So I've been truly trying to escape this growing insanity in my mind. The insanity that is trying to consume me and over power me to no end. Sometimes I sit and wonder if I will make it. It's like my mind is trying to devour me completely and nothing I can do or say will help me escape. I sometimes have to pray that God will help quiet the noise. I sometimes can't even focus on one thought because hundreds are being filter through my mind all at once.
This morning it was so bad I had to cry angry tears to get a moments rest. I sit here and type this and feel like I want to explode.
Thought 1: Lord I pray that you would forgive...Thought 2 says while I was trying to complete thought 1: Dang I wonder how that woman looks naked...Thought 3 while Thought 2 is still inquiring about the woman's nakedness: I want to hurt her sometimes all I need for them to all just shut the hell up....Me: Focus Joey focus...Thought 1: Lord I pray you would please forgive me of my thoughts and my lying tongue...Thought 4: I don't feel like going to work today...Thought 5:You're going to be single forever...Thought 6: Look at your family all torn apart I wonder....Thought 6: F*&^% them all stupid *^&*%*...Thought 1: Lord please deliver me, please save my family, please bless my friends, please bind my flesh...Thought 7: Sex is so amazing...Me: Focus please stop all the noise.
Seriously I can't even describe how this truly played out in my mind. There were no pauses, no breaks, all of that above happened all at once. I couldn't focus. I only found some peace through getting on the bus and reading my Bible this morning. I'm just so tired. I only truly find peace when I laugh and when I laugh loud. I find peace when I'm reading a good novel or writing. I find peace when I listen to music or enjoying the company of good friends. I find peace when I'm consumed by a good book. I'm just so tired of all the noise, all the fighting, the sin, the cycle, the pain, the hurt, the joy, the repeating, and yet I find peace in it all at times.
Today was a good day. Today I found a nice book to read by Alice Walker. Possessing the Secret of Joy. Tonight I was inspired to write. Tonight I've been missing someone. Tonight I will hang up my clothes and shower. Tomorrow God willing I will wake up and go to work. Hopefully the noise will be calm. The storm of my mind won't rage and the anguish in my heart won't thrive.
Tomorrow I will laugh...
Tomorrow I will smile...
Tomorrow...
So...
So...
Joseph is a Licensed Graduate Social Worker in the Washington, DC area. Joseph is the author of the forthcoming book “Love Me Right or Not at All”, A Quick Guide to Loving Yourself and Others the Healthy Way. This book seeks to assist everyone who reads it to love with balance and give love to the right people. Joseph is striving to become an expert in the practice of relationship empowerment. He strives to build healthy, powerful, and well-balanced relationships in the lives of everyone who seeks after the knowledge, values, and skills Joseph has honed over the last ten years. Joseph is an aspiring Marriage and Family Therapist, but to also travel around the nation and hopefully the world, to spread the message that relationships can be simple, yet amazing if you put in the work. Relationships are vital to the human experience and often shape our mindsets, our personalities, and our environments. Knowing this, Joseph works to encourage not only those who believe in his skills, but also works passionately to build his knowledge and skills in the area of relationships to present the best of who he is both personally and professionally.
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