So Journal...

Things have been pretty crazy these last couple of weeks. Issues with family, relationship ups and relationship downs, a huge issue with my place of employment which has had me stressed, feelings of helplessness concerning being unable to help my friends in need, wedding planning stress, and the list just goes on and on. I have been trying to hold it all together but I have not been as successful in doing so.

I really just want things to be perfect. I know that it is totally impossible for things to be perfect, but that is what I have been dreaming of. Journal, I don't want to fail and lately I have been feeling like a failure. I think apart of it has been the overwhelming stress that life seems to be throwing at me, but I also believe that it has been because I have lost focus on WHO is important. I have lost focus on God.

So Journal here I am after 6 months of being in isolation, God revealed to me clearly that I had to put Him first and love Him with everything I have. I come out of that experience and back into the world as I know it with a new lease on life; like I always do however I become comfortable in my own pig pin, and I get wrapped up in the endless void of worry and frustration. God is just waiting for me to give Him my full and undivided attention; waiting for me to cast my cares up Him, and stop waiting for things to just be better. He is waiting for me to truly trust Him to see me through and not just falsely hoping for a change with my fingers crossed.

There is hope though! And today I feel so much better. I had some good old fashion conversation, I did some forgiving, I asked for lots of forgiveness, and I just stopped worrying. I prayed and I let God have all my cares. And I feel much better.

I can't worry about everything and I can't let life beat me up. Jesus came that I might have life and have it more abundantly. We have to choose how to live abundantly and not just think the abundant life is given.

So...

My Brothers,

Will we ever be able to fully understand women? Will we ever understand the women we love, the ones we call family, the women we call our boo, will we ever ever ever understand them? I find myself wondering this because I constantly find myself lost and confused when it comes to grasping the complexities of the woman and her emotional well-being. I have no idea how to navigate this perplexing pathway of plundering perils, but I know I better learn and I mean learn FAST.

Every time I think I get close to figuring these fascinating and beautiful creatures out, I find myself right back at start and I can't pass go and I can't collect two hundred dollars. They are often on two ends of the spectrum, really happy and pleasant or truly pissed off and disgusted with us men. Who will help me overcome this injustice? Who has an accurate barometer that can measure the mood and the will of these women.

I need some help my brothers because again I'm drowning over here.

I wish I could understand or see the motives and intention of the people around me. To be honest even some of the intentions and motives of some of the people I call friend. I don't know where this sudden influx of paranoia stems, but I can't shake the feeling of individuals smiling in my face, but dogging me all at the same time. How would I react if I knew how people really felt about me?

I know that you can't make people love you or treat you the way you treat them, but I can wish can't I? I really feel like some thing is coming, but I can't put my finger on it.

I wish we could all just get a long. I wish we can all just be real. And I wish that we would all just get along.

I'm really truly happy that I am going to be marrying my best friend and the love of my life. I honestly can't thank God enough for sending me such an incredibly beautiful woman in my life, a woman who loves me for me, and who is also very much in love with me.

She loves me with all my flaws. She doesn't hide me from those close to her and she embraces me even to the people that don't matter.

However,

The closer that I get to the point of being married the more afraid I become. It isn't that I am getting cold feet, but rather it is the feeling of failure that scares me the most. I thought I had moments of being alone before; the alone I felt then compares nothing to the alone I feel now. It really appears that I have no one EARTHLY to turn to to talk about this overwhelming anxiety I feel. I hear only that things are going to be ok or "God has prepared you for this moment," or it's just natural.

None of these things are a comfort for me and I honestly would rather have someone jam a stick in my ear and burst my ear drum or be confined in a room full of sneezing, smelly, homeless people than for one more person to tell me I'm going to be ok.

I didn't realize the responsibility and the mantle I would have to carry. I understand now why Paul said in the Bible that when you become a man you must speak and act like one and put away childish things. A child can't walk in this responsibility and be sane.

I just wish other married men or some man in general that understands this fear of not being able to care for you family, or fear of failing them on a spiritual level, fear of failing them on a financial level; someone just open up and be real with me. I trust God and I know he will prepare me, but for someone to be transparent with me and show some darn empathy would be mighty helpful.

I am Sick of all these self-righteous idiots running around quoting scriptures and flaunting religion like it is a sexy masturbatory aide. I need some real Christian men to just talk to me about this transition from singleness to marriage; discuss in detail their fears, and stop letting me drown in this ocean.

I know I'm not going to fail and with Christ nothing is impossible. Please don't lecture me I have had enough professors. I just need someone to talk real with me and be transparent.

The Closer I get to you the more I see my flaws. The good thing about all this though is that I'm learning that I need Christ more and more.

Love is definitely so different to me now that I know what it truly is. I'm still not ready to reveal my thoughts on being in love just yet, but I do believe that I'm in love for real now.

I want to tell you so much about it, but I have t get back to work.

I just fell Asleep and what woke me up was the worst funk in the world.

I really angry someone has offended my nose in such away and leave me afraid.

No seriously I feel weak because the smell has singed my nose hairs.

Great now I can see who the funk bandit is.

I knew that it could be bad, but I never imagined that I would rather be squished by a 400 pound woman jumping off of a high dive. It is so stressful, well that was until my future and I decided to seek assistance and a whole team of professionals to help us get this done. I have peace of mind, but the money continues to drain away because a wedding is not without cost.

Honestly though I'm just ready to marry the love of my life and love her for the rest of my life.

I should really be working right at this moment, especially since I have a mountain of paperwork due. I have in fact been working, out in the field, knocking on doors, fighting bugs, heat, and whatever; trying to change lives and hopefully the world. I honestly however would prefer to be at home asleep. I would rather be sleeping and not looking at a notebook full of progress notes that need to be done or thinking about my busy schedule.

Well Blogger tricked me and had me thinking I had four hundred post, but actually they were also counting my drafts!!! I'm so angry so the next few post will be kind of random and maybe fluff just so I can get back to 400 because it is such a better number.

So like I told you my favorite blog readers my friend Krys who has a relationship blog called KrysInTheCity, has responded to my last post. Please enjoy and be looking out for more:

"All you need is love," says the famous John Lennon. William Shakespeare claims, "The course of true love never did run smooth". Then you have an anonymous person that declares, "Love is EVOL (evil)". What do I make of this you ask? That everybody has different opinions of love- what it means, how it looks, what it feels like, where it comes from, and so on.


Do we really know how to love? Unless you were raised by a pack of senseless wolves, I think that everybody has the capability to love and feel loved. Granted the person raised by wolves would define love as sniffing one's rear, love is love and its all the same! Are there some out there that misconstrue love with lust, or confuse love with social status? Of course. But there is a percentage out there that are wholeheartedly capable of giving genuine love. There is an even smaller percetage that actually live out those romance novels. I hate them. Just joking!

Are we capable of loving sacrificially? This question truly stuck out like a sore thumb for me! When one truly falls in love, things get out of order. In other words, priorities change; some for the better and some for the worse. Some people completely push their friends and family out of the picture when that special one comes along and it causes major damage. Is it possible to maintain a healthy balance between sacrificial love and other loved ones JSpot? What are your thoughts?

This blog post is dedicated and goes out to the awesome blogger: Krys. I can't wait to read your response to this. Don't hide your wonderful talent from the world any longer! We need more beautiful writing/writers in this world; even if it is just a blog.

Do we really know how to love Krys? I have learned over the last several years of failed relationship after failed relationship that either I have not even approached the shore of what romance novels; with their hot and steamy sex scenes, crazy romantic climaxes, and powerful endings, what love is and that quite possibly I have been just living in the sea of fake love while real love remains an unreachable island. I ask this question because maybe these relationships failed because I gave up on them, I didn't truly love them, or I was completely ignorant to how I was supposed to love them. What do you think? LOL!

Love never fails and it "endures all things," right? I'm perplexed at the notion that I could have been spared all the pain and sorrow of failed relationships, unwilling friend requests that lead to unhealthy romances, church-intimate relationships that blow up in your face, text messaged break-ups that leave you confused; a broken heart, lots of baggage, painful heart attacks, drowning in my tears; the darn list goes on and on, but I could have avoided all this crap if I just didn't use the fated words "I love you," said Joey as he signed away his sanity to yet another failed relationship all in the name of what I thought was LOVE?

True love is sacrificial and unconditional. Are we capable of loving another person this way? Krys are we able to be romantically involved with someone and love them unconditionally and sacrificially? If we use the words I love you, which by the way are MORE powerful than "I'm in love with you," can we truly love someone this way? Possibly I think we are on some large microscopic level only able to love lustfully and superficially. I want to believe that we are capable of such love on our own but the truth is...

We are unable to love a man or a woman this way without some help. Who can help us? God is actually the only one who can help us love another person, shoot to love people unconditionally. We have to make the choice Krys to love someone sacrificially. I've been enlightened and to be honest once you discover this level of love and you understand what love is, then you don't ACCEPT anything and you LOVE with every thing you HAVE and this time Krys this time we don't LOSE.

No more text or email break ups for me.

Krys what do you think?

So it has been like forever since I have posted on my blog and to tell you the truth I haven't had the time to sit down and write. So much has been going on, this may just be a long post, but on the other hand I don't even know if I have the energy to write. First and foremost I am getting married and I am no longer on the journey of dating; this was not particularly an easy process, but I'm not going to talk about the past at this moment in blog. I will however be talking about my beautiful future wife. She is utterly amazing and honestly an unexpected treasure in my life. On one side family I am so very happy to be at this place, to be loved, to be in love (I have an interesting take on what being in love in means, but once again another blog.), she makes me very happy, I'm getting married, I'm steps away from being able to be a provider, a life long friend, life long lover, and walk in the garden of God's amazing gift of marriage and of course the guilt free.

The interesting thing of all this besides the planning, the honeymoon, and just our marriage has been a welcomed challenge and a gift, but the thing that has been the most awe inspiring thing is that she has made it possible for me to see how someone can love you and your imperfections. I didn't know preparing to become a husband would make clear the imperfections that envelope me, I can see them very clear now, and I also understand on some level what it means to love your wife life Christ loves the church. God loves me as I am and loves me unconditionally; it appears even before she said yes that she loves me and all my flaws.

This new view and this new perspective on my life romantic and otherwise; I'm learning that I am afraid, unprepared, and utterly begging God to see that I have to rely on HIM because I am so very afraid of failing HIM, failing her, and failing my new family. So with that being said I have also had a number of promotions at my job, and now I'm also on a whole new team

So did I mention I'm getting MARRIED!!!!!

So...