Sometimes I just feel like I don't deserve to even be alive. (Don't get me wrong I'm not suicidal or anything), but I often wonder why God values my life (me with all my imperfections, sinful thoughts, sinful actions, and all the times I've hurt Him), I wonder why He valued me enough to die on the cross for my sins. He knew and knows all the times I will hurt Him and break his heart, but yet He keeps me alive, He wakes me up everyday, He blesses me with friends and loved ones that I don't deserve, and He has kept me all these years. I'm so unworthy of His love.
Everyone has this perception of me, that I'm going to be some great person or a great man, but the truth is deep down; I'm a sinner pure and simple, no doubt about it. I count myself as an honest, transparent person, but at the same time I lie to myself and I wear a mask. I've been unhappy with myself for a long time, unhappy about my family situation, unhappy that I'm so envious of others, envious of the world, envious of evildoers, and so consumed what everyone else is doing that I completely turn my back on God and the standards that He has set for me.
There is a darkness in my mind, a black hole that I try to keep locked away, but it is slowly consuming me and I'm afraid that I don't want to stop it. Sometimes I get so tired of doing things the right way that I'm willing to compromise my integrity and my life. I get so tired of trying to live up to the standards, the thoughts, the wishes, and every prophecy that people place on me, that I rather do the opposite of what they think of me; what they want from me.
This is the part of me I try to keep hidden behind a laugh, a shout, keeping myself surrounded by positive people, consuming myself in work, keeping busy, being there for my friends, but the truth is that it only places a bandage on the deep, crimson, festering, putrid, and decaying wound that is slowly giving birth to a dark being that I'm afraid of. I'm afraid of it, but I tired of trying to contain it.
Hopefully while your reading this you're not thinking I'm crazy, but that you would be empathic and see that you too have a dark void you're constantly fighting to contain or keep hidden. (See look at me even on my own blog I'm concerned what people think about me).
I'm trying to learn to love myself even more than I do, to truly walk with God, to truly live up to His standards and not parade myself around as though I am, to truly learn to Live for Him, and Follow His commands, to walk in purpose, and to love my enemies. I wish I could be like some who sin and fall short and it doesn't phase them, it isn't on their mind, or eats at their conscience; unfortunately for me it kills me and eats me alive and I walk around feeling like I'm not only a disappointment to God, but a disappointment to everyone that looks up to me. The more I think the worse I become.
The darkness........
What's Going On In My Head???
Joseph is a Licensed Graduate Social Worker in the Washington, DC area. Joseph is the author of the forthcoming book “Love Me Right or Not at All”, A Quick Guide to Loving Yourself and Others the Healthy Way. This book seeks to assist everyone who reads it to love with balance and give love to the right people. Joseph is striving to become an expert in the practice of relationship empowerment. He strives to build healthy, powerful, and well-balanced relationships in the lives of everyone who seeks after the knowledge, values, and skills Joseph has honed over the last ten years. Joseph is an aspiring Marriage and Family Therapist, but to also travel around the nation and hopefully the world, to spread the message that relationships can be simple, yet amazing if you put in the work. Relationships are vital to the human experience and often shape our mindsets, our personalities, and our environments. Knowing this, Joseph works to encourage not only those who believe in his skills, but also works passionately to build his knowledge and skills in the area of relationships to present the best of who he is both personally and professionally.
1 comments:
I think that society has a lot to do wtih it. Videos, tv, everything appeals to our sexuality. It makes you think about sex when you're trying not to. I know personally, once I got to college sex almost took over so to speak. It was everywhere I turned and since everyone else was doing it, I wanted to try too. Curiosity killed the cat so to speak. Now as the years went on for me it just kind of became a norm. Even though I knew it was wrong, I enjoyed it so I continued to be sexually active really with out any convictions. Once I started to feel convicted about it, THAT'S when it really got powerful. It was almost like I just couldn't stop. I know spiritually there was a war going on but also, I made the mistake of moving too fast too soon. In saying that, I don't know if this is wrong or right but I don't regret not waiting until marriage. I do regret allowing sex to overpower to the point that God literally had to send a massive storm (not a disease) for me to get somewhere and "sat down". Even being in a christian relationship, it was EXTREMELY difficult. As I write this, I think another reason that sex is so powerful to me is because I grew up in a very sexual family. My parents have a very healthy sex life(don't ask how I know), my grandfather used to talk about the importance of sex in marriage ALL the time so I always knew that I had to prepare myself as a wife, I just got a little too much practice before I got married. I will say now though that my husband NEVER has to worry about me being "too tired" or having a "headache" because I do understand that now that we are married, it is a special connection that only he and I can share. I think that under the right circumstances the power of sex can be very beneficial. Hope I answered the question correctly.
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