Someone wrote in my honesty box (ha) that I play too much and that I need to be a little more serious. I replied that maybe you should write what you have to say on my wall and not in an honesty box. The person replies back and says that I shouldn't have an honesty box if I don't want people to comment it is optional. See I didn't go off on the person because it maybe someone I'm close too, but then my closets friends wouldn't do some mess like that...wait a minute no you'll be surprised what those closets to you will do and say.


Well let me take this time to explain why I "play so much". There is a darkness within me that really wants to reveal itself at all times. (And let's not be to "perfect" and pretend that we don't all have a darkness within us). There is something in me that wants to consume who I am. A miserable piece of me that I have worked years of prayer, LAUGHTER, being around friends and loved ones, and just fear of truly hurting myself or others. This is something that only years of abuse, pain, heartbreak, disrespect, anger, sin, and the devil can create within you. This darkness will have you hating the ones you love and having the desire to harm yourself. You want to just to hurt people with your words and your actions. You want to hurt them before they have the chance to hurt you. This darkness wants to make people feel the same way you feel on the inside empty, unloved, and full of hatred. This darkness wants you to always play the victim and to keep you in a cocoon of depression and self-destruction. To loathe life with all your being and to crush the hopes of everyone around you; just as people spend their lives trying to crush yours.

So I have a Love for God, I believe in Jesus Christ and a higher power to save me from the darkness within. I pray and I show love to people even when they hurt me, or disrespect me, or don't treat me the way I treat them. Most of all I spend my time laughing...I have perfected the art of laughing and I'm even able to laugh at myself. I play around and I joke...but please don't get that confused with me being unable to be serious...(Check my resume or ask people that truly know me, I can be serious when I want or need to be). I used to tell myself that I need to calm down and stop laughing/playing so much, but then I think that I could be doing worse with myself i.e. drinking excessively, cutting myself, drinking bleach, having lots of unprotected sex, trying to find new ways to kill myself, abusing women, beating the hell out of disrespectful siblings, cussing folks out that always have something to say about me, living life so recklessly...But since everyone else in the world can choose their own way of coping with things despite what people think...I think laughing and playing is the lesser of the evils. So I continue to laugh and play when I want and how I want. I will laugh right in your face if I need too.
I'm fighting the urge to hate a few people right now...
HA

I honestly used to hate when people would say this statement "Friends are for a season". I thought that this was one of the worst things that a person could say about their friend or friends. I felt like it was just an excuse for people to use when they do not want to deal with conflict or when they feel like their friends aren't making them feel the way they want to feel. I thought it was a cop-out move or sucka move to end friendships and do your own thing.
At this very moment, this very second, this very season (ha); I'm may have crossed over to the wrong side of the tracks and learning that maybe just maybe, as much as I don't want to say it, but maybe some friends are just for a season.


I'm starting to truly believe that maybe the way that I think is wrong...I have this notion that the people you really call friend, that have been with you through the good and the bad, those friends last forever. And if you've ever called me your friend you know that I'm dedicated...I may slip every now and then, but for the most part I'm there for you. I believe you don't call everyone your friend, but for those that you do, you love them with all you have, you love the good and bad about them, and you don't throw them away or let the friendship die.
Yeah I think inside this crazy head of mine, my way of thinking is totally off about friends. Maybe the other side of that track is very true. Maybe you're supposed to make friends, milk them for as much time and energy as you can, learn what you're supposed to learn about them, and then we they can no longer offer you anything else, or they begin to annoy you; you let them go when the seasons change. Move on and find another friend.

I promise you the way I feel right now I'm starting to lean towards the opposite side of the track. Like maybe I have been wrong for the way I feel about friendship in general. Hell the way I feel about relationships period. Should you give your best and everything you have just to be let go with the seasons? Should you care if your friends disrespect you and do wrong by you; should you care when you're not going to be friends much longer anyway?

I don't want to think this way...I love all my real friends, but maybe I'm wrong for thinking that friendships last forever.


Or maybe we all just need to be careful who we call our friends?????!!!!!

New York was very interesting. I love travelling to New York, especially with good friends and enjoying the sites.

The trip began with a bus trip from the Chocolate City to the Big Apple. Nothing really funny happened on the bus...my last bus trip was to Ohio and a big fat prostitute sat across from my friend and was trying to rub his leg while he slept. On that same bus trip a drunk man pissed on himself and was trying to fight the bus driver...so as I said didn't have anything to laugh at really on this bus trip.

My friends and I ended up staying in a nice apartment near Times Square. We could walk right into the action at anytime. My boy really picked out a nice place and it made us feel like we were living in New York lol.

Eating was our favorite pass time...I mean I ate a chili dog with ketchup, mustard, and sauerkraut, and a bacon cheeseburger with fries on the way up. Then when we got to New York we moved into our house, and began exploring. I can't remember what we ate first, but I do know by the end of the day we had pizza. I had two huge slices of pizza that I couldn't finish; one was pepperoni and the other was pepperoni and bacon. I was full. We enjoyed the rest of the night. The next day I ate breakfast at this diner...eggs scrambled hard with cheese, a side of bacon, a huge side of potatoes, and three huge pancakes. Then we went in this huge candy store that had retro candy (if that's what you call it lol), a chocolate fountain I wanted to swim in, and everyone pigged out on candy. Then we tried to go to the Statue of Liberty, but you have to get there early in the morning so no Green Lady :(

OK so the trip was filled with food, fun, shopping, and a lot of walking. The best part...well almost best part was Karaoke!!!! That was so fun!

I'm not being one hundred percent open about the "fun times" in New York so here is the side part about it that I didn't really care for...unfortunately my mind plays these parts of the trip with lots of profanity and anger so I must write it in gibberish...just keep in mind it is filled with lots and lots of anger and profane language...do not read forward if you are a judgmental and devout religious person who would be appalled that a Christian was angry and cussing: "You *^()*^(*^(*&^(* I know you're not *&(%^$&$&*%^$*%^$*%^#$*&^$*&^$*^, what gave you the reason (*^)(*^)(*^(*&%*&^$&^%#&%^$#$$#%$#!@, stop all the ^%(*&%*&$^*^%#^%$^%$&%@&%#*^%$, that is some *(^*&*(^(*&%&*&, and furthermore *&%*(&%(*&%(&%(&%)*(&)(*)(&(*^*&$*^$.

So that's all I hope you enjoyed this public service announcement.

P.S. I would do it all over again!!!!

I'm on my way to NYC!!!! Food, Fun, and endless walking...YAY. I'm very excited for this adventure because I will be with friends and we're going to have a great time. We're staying in Manhattan, going to celebrate my friend's birthday and all and all we're going to maximize the entire weekend.

Honestly I wish I could navigate like a true New Yorker, but I'll settle for a person who has been there numerous times.


NYC HERE I COME!!!!

So...

I now hold a Master's degree and I have accomplished what many said I would not be able to do. I'm very proud of myself for not quitting or giving up, but now I'm stuck at the crossroad of finding a great job or wasting away behind the degree that promised me a future. OK I'm being dramatic, but honestly this is annoying. The applications, the interviews, but most of all the being broke. All of these things suck. But I'm thankful to God that he helped me get through this trying year and that both my parents got to see me walk across the stage; along with a very special Elder from my church who is very close to my heart, three of my best friends in the world, my siblings, and an interest.

It has also been a crazy few weeks...things are going well with the interest...she is amazing, but some old doors have been trying to re-open themselves...and believe me my blog readers I'm not one of those men that wait for old doors to re-open, nor am I one of those men who take advantage of vulnerable women or open opportunities, instead I bluntly, yet kindly, have told them that the opportunity has passed and I have an interest. (BUT WOMEN TODAY CAN BE VERY PERSISTENT, ESPECIALLY WHEN THEY WANT WHAT THEY SEEMINGLY CAN'T HAVE). Let's hope that they get the message and back off.

Speaking of dating/relationships I have recently been trying this new approach...put everything out on the table...that's right hold nothing back...show her the true me (if that's even humanly possible for us to do. I believe the human personality is about 20 to 30 layers of different characteristics, abilities, facial expressions, dialects, ways of responding, etc and that no matter how much we say we're real, honest, and "this is who I am" that for real we all suffer from DID (dissociative identity disorder or multiple personality disorder) and we can turn it on and off depending on the situation and the people around us. I say all that because I often wonder if it is truly possible for us to be completely who we are without fear of judgment, ridicule, or isolation; even around the people who are either just like you or whom you trust, or do we still have some degree of who we really are hidden away?!?! Just ponder that before continuing.

But my interest is seeing me in a way I've never shown to a woman I like or a woman I am dating. My interest is seeing my good and bad side, my sarcastic, blunt, and somewhat hurtful way of speaking, my attitude, my vulnerable side, my romantic nature, my love for music, poetry, books, debates, my hidden thoughts; basically everything about me that I normally hide. Shoot I think I'm crazy for being this open, for being this transparent, and for not hiding anything. I'm literally an open book and I can of go overboard sometimes with saying what's on my mind...blunt is an understatement, but this is the new approach I said I would take and this would prove whether or not a person really likes me for me or just their version of me that they like. (Joke: Honestly at this juncture of my life I'll be whatever the hell you want me to be LOL)

That was a joke.....

Also I'm wondering people how long does it take to truly understand that everything you may do or say in a relationship maybe a lie to get what you want? Do we ever really tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth? I don't know what the answer is for everyone else, but for the first time in my life...aside from a few small white lies (if there is a such thing as a small white lie) I have been completely, no holds barred, honest. And it scares the HELL out of me. Sorry I know I'm a Christian, but honestly it is scary. (I wanted to say something other than hell HONESTLY I DID). I don't know if she believes the things I say, but I'm telling the Internet world and everyone that reads this that I have never been this honest in my life!!!!!!! I haven't even been completely honest with God and HE KNOWS EVERYTHING ABOUT ME!!!! LOL!!!

I'm not even completely honest with myself...

So...

Just wanted to announce that I am officially done with GRADUATE SCHOOL!!! I have my Master's Degree and I am done with papers, homework, and registration for school!!!! No more school and now I can focus on a career.

GRADUATION


DONE