The Darkness Within

Someone wrote in my honesty box (ha) that I play too much and that I need to be a little more serious. I replied that maybe you should write what you have to say on my wall and not in an honesty box. The person replies back and says that I shouldn't have an honesty box if I don't want people to comment it is optional. See I didn't go off on the person because it maybe someone I'm close too, but then my closets friends wouldn't do some mess like that...wait a minute no you'll be surprised what those closets to you will do and say.


Well let me take this time to explain why I "play so much". There is a darkness within me that really wants to reveal itself at all times. (And let's not be to "perfect" and pretend that we don't all have a darkness within us). There is something in me that wants to consume who I am. A miserable piece of me that I have worked years of prayer, LAUGHTER, being around friends and loved ones, and just fear of truly hurting myself or others. This is something that only years of abuse, pain, heartbreak, disrespect, anger, sin, and the devil can create within you. This darkness will have you hating the ones you love and having the desire to harm yourself. You want to just to hurt people with your words and your actions. You want to hurt them before they have the chance to hurt you. This darkness wants to make people feel the same way you feel on the inside empty, unloved, and full of hatred. This darkness wants you to always play the victim and to keep you in a cocoon of depression and self-destruction. To loathe life with all your being and to crush the hopes of everyone around you; just as people spend their lives trying to crush yours.

So I have a Love for God, I believe in Jesus Christ and a higher power to save me from the darkness within. I pray and I show love to people even when they hurt me, or disrespect me, or don't treat me the way I treat them. Most of all I spend my time laughing...I have perfected the art of laughing and I'm even able to laugh at myself. I play around and I joke...but please don't get that confused with me being unable to be serious...(Check my resume or ask people that truly know me, I can be serious when I want or need to be). I used to tell myself that I need to calm down and stop laughing/playing so much, but then I think that I could be doing worse with myself i.e. drinking excessively, cutting myself, drinking bleach, having lots of unprotected sex, trying to find new ways to kill myself, abusing women, beating the hell out of disrespectful siblings, cussing folks out that always have something to say about me, living life so recklessly...But since everyone else in the world can choose their own way of coping with things despite what people think...I think laughing and playing is the lesser of the evils. So I continue to laugh and play when I want and how I want. I will laugh right in your face if I need too.
I'm fighting the urge to hate a few people right now...
HA