So...

So I’m lying here unsure of what I’m feeling. An all familiar depression has taken a hold of me; it’s situational of course, but it is still a difficult mood to experience. It feels like I’m being drained of every ounce of happiness I possess. I feel like I’m slowly being drained of the light that normally keeps me going. I cried so many tears in just this one day alone, starting with my drive to church this morning, during altar call, and on my way home. As I type these words hoping for some sort of comfort, I can feel the salty pools of liquid forming in my eyes. I so want to be over this, but somehow I find myself unable to get pass the empty black hole that seems to consume me even now. I think of leaving this world and try to overcome those thoughts with thoughts of success, thoughts of happiness, and thoughts of love. Love, yeah this is the very thing that most of the time brings me to this point.

So journal I promised myself that I wouldn’t ever go back to the depressed state that I was in during the year 2005, but I do from time to time get into a mood that is written all over my face. All I want to do is get in bed, cry, and just be able to sleep. This is a persistent pattern for me when things just seem to overwhelm me or I wish that the things around me would just go well. I know that this isn’t a reality and I normally handle things a little bit better that this, but journal I’m starting to think that maybe I need more than just the current coping skills that I have at my disposal. People don’t understand that sometimes I just feel so worthless and I get lost in thoughts of self-hate and begin to break my own self down. Don’t get me wrong I don’t like being this way, and for most of my days I love who I am and all of that, but those days when I’m overwhelmed, I feel disliked, I feel like the ones I love are ignoring me, and I feel defeated; the depression is able to cast it’s dark spell over me and it’s witchcraft has trapped me within it seemingly impervious wrought iron gates.

I just hate feeling this way and it seems as though the only way to escape myself is to cry. The tears help to ease the pain. It is hard when you don’t have anyone to listen to you. That one notion seems to be a pervasive theme in my life. I have plenty of people to talk to, but I can’t identify one “earthly” person that will listen. A person that will see beyond who I am, who they want me to be, or what they think I should do; they instead listen to what I’m feeling and reflect on my perspective. I’m surrounded by so much love and people who say they care, but I find myself so alone. I’m not blaming anyone for my feelings, but at the same time we sometimes are so selfish that we are unable to see how alienated someone feels around us. I find myself so envious, so jealous, wanting people to care for me, and wanting them to care for me the way I care for them. I’m unable to escape it sometimes; waves of despair, loneliness, and sadness overwhelm me and I find myself trapped in the bottomless pit of my heart.

I don’t want to be in this place for ever. So I hope after getting some much needed rest and some much needed blogging I will feel better.

So…