And no I'm not talking about the cyclical process of the rotation of the Earth around the Sun; nor am I referring to the cycle that women come on every month for 3 to 7 days, and I'm not talking about the cycle of teenage pregnancy, cycle of poverty, and I'm not talking about the cycle of abuse that may manifest itself in those who have been abused; no I'm talking about the cycle of slight depression or frustration that I often experience.
Sometimes I feel so lost and I often beat myself up because I'm not as successful as I planned on being or hoped to be. I don't do it often, but sometimes I end up comparing myself to the success of others or the triumphs. I fight so hard not to do this though because I know it won't do me any good, but then something is said to me or I'm criticised and I end up right back in the same cycle. It seems that sometimes no matter how hard I've been working or how much I've tried to stay on my grind; people find some way to make me feel like I should be doing more; and I take it and truly beat myself up over it.
I can't blame people for my self-loathing attitude or blame them for thinking me a failure. I don't think I'm a failure, but I'm always saying to myself that I need to do more. But the truth is I'm tired. I'm not saying I want to be stuck in one place, but right now I just want to take a break. I've been grinding strong for years and trying so hard to not be the nothing nigga (excuse me) people have said I would be, or another statistic, a baby daddy, or just like my daddy, or whatever else people have tried to place on me.
I will go strong for days, months, years even; to prove to myself and to the world that I can make something of myself, but then someone says one thing and it sets me on my path of over criticising myself and living in self-fulfilling prophecies and I am tired. I will make something of myself and I won't be trapped in the box that people have tried to put me in. I will be successful and I won't keep walking in this cycle. I have the power already within me and I can do anything I set my mind to do. I just wish people had a little empathy and could look at things from my perspective. But why expect anything from people except to expect to be disappointed by them. It is what it is, but the cycle will one day end. For now I have to bleed and hope for menopause.
j/k
joe4christ.blogspot.com
Cycle
Joseph is a Licensed Graduate Social Worker in the Washington, DC area. Joseph is the author of the forthcoming book “Love Me Right or Not at All”, A Quick Guide to Loving Yourself and Others the Healthy Way. This book seeks to assist everyone who reads it to love with balance and give love to the right people. Joseph is striving to become an expert in the practice of relationship empowerment. He strives to build healthy, powerful, and well-balanced relationships in the lives of everyone who seeks after the knowledge, values, and skills Joseph has honed over the last ten years. Joseph is an aspiring Marriage and Family Therapist, but to also travel around the nation and hopefully the world, to spread the message that relationships can be simple, yet amazing if you put in the work. Relationships are vital to the human experience and often shape our mindsets, our personalities, and our environments. Knowing this, Joseph works to encourage not only those who believe in his skills, but also works passionately to build his knowledge and skills in the area of relationships to present the best of who he is both personally and professionally.
1 comments:
You're so far from being a failure! But I understand and def been where you are. Looking around you and being concerned with the whispers around you will always exhaust you. The only one whose opinion matters is God's.
"The fear of human opinion disables; trusting in God protects you from that."
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