She is right there! She is right there! But I can't make a move! Biology is not creating chemistry. Psychological resistance is stronger than anything! She is amazing, has a smile out of this world, smart, funny, supportive, and kind. She is right there (wife material, proverbs 31 woman indeed, transparent, honest, wonderful) but it ain't clicking.

Is there no sexual connection, should that even be an option for a Christian man looking for a wife? What the hell could it be. I can't move my heart or my mind. It frustrates the hell out of me. Here is Ruth looking for her Boaz, but working in the fields without active searching. What the hell? It perplexes me, vexed spirit I have in my, confused and in a daze. I can't understand it...she is so close I can almost taste her, or think I can, or wish I could, or even dream, but no!

Am I so tainted by sex and lust and falling in love, I'm unable to be sensitive to the right one. What if my Eve is right before me; no apple or pomegranate, or grape, or forbidden fruit, but I don't want her? I can't take it! It pisses me off to know end. What the hell do you want? I want to break into a million pieces. Right in front of me, so amazing, but no biological chemistry is not ticking tocking clock is running away from me.

I wish on the star, third wish, genie lamp, anything that will grant my wish I wish tonight. I wish it was her.

Real talk

I really am a sucker for romance. I do believe in love and finding your mate and becoming soul mates. I believe in all the power of love making between lovers, the institution and the power of marriage, and the romantic power of beautiful music two lovers will make together. I believe in love and being in love, but I don't know if I want it again.

I will never stop fighting to find my wife, a wife, "the so called one", but I don't want to keep going through the same process. I'm a man who is honest and true; in touch with my emotions, and aware of my desire to share my life and my bed with one woman. I'm so transparent in my need and desire for a woman, but I seem to only find myself rejected and alone. Am I uncomfortable in singleness, no, but I'm honest enough to say that I want to be married and committed.

I guess for me I'm not looking forward to starting over, but I'm not looking forward to living single forever. So I will take the risk, but this time around I'm making it clear that if she's not talking the language I want to hear I'm out. No more trying to convince or persuade. I can't fall back into the same cycle again.

I don't want to be in love again, but I do.

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