So this past week was very difficult for me. I had to face a lot of different challenges; financial setbacks that were TOTALLY out of my control, situational depressive feelings, overcoming fears of failing, and the struggle with being a responsible adult. 

     However, my biggest challenge came on Friday where professionally I just felt like a complete failure. This is very rare for me, because I really believe in the work that I do and I believe in myself. It was difficult though to come to the conclusion that both clinically and spiritually there was nothing I could do for my client. I can't disclose what happened, but as a community social worker I just felt very defeated in trying to keep the ethical balance of my client's right to self-determination and ensuring my client's safety. To see the amount of suffering that my client was pushing down internally, while visibly seeing the horrible conditions that I could not physically change; all of these things just lumped up in my throat as I fought to remain professional, empathetic, and rely on my active listening/attending skills as my client expressed his resilience that seemed very puzzling to me. 

     I drove home in silence and tried to let my spiritual music play and center me. It was a very difficult thing to handle to feel like all of my efforts didn't help change my client's situation. We ended the session/visit both agreeing at least on the surface that we have done our best. I wanted to punch a wall, cry out in frustration, and question everything; but instead I put on my social worker face and decided that once the client was safe and had supports in place we would approach it from another angle next time and try for a stronger outcome that fit the client's goals and not my own. 

     I can't tell you how numb I was by the time I was able to attempt to engage my family and be present with them. I wasn't present, but I did my best to mask the darkness that had enveloped me as I reflected on the tough week and the future challenges. I tried looking on the bright side and even realizing that someone else was having a worse day than I was. 

Then I realized it was OK to acknowledge my feelings and work through them. 

So after I got my family to bed and into rest, I stayed up watching Grey's Anatomy and Scandal. 

So... 

      Loneliness can be a very powerful emotional state or series of negative thoughts that often leave people feeling like no one cares about them or that they will never recover from the way they feel. Even more powerful than experiencing loneliness, is experiencing that loneliness while being in a relationship. Feelings of loneliness in a relationship is often associated with being unhappy with the relationship, regret, fears connected to the relationship, and even being unhappy with ourselves. Whatever the cause for these feelings of loneliness, it is a struggle for many to admit these feelings. They struggle with keeping these feelings hidden while trying to hold the relationship together. 

     How do we overcome the feelings of loneliness we often face in our relationships? How do we communicate that we feel very empty or unhappy concerning our relationships; this unhappiness that causes us to feel very lonely when we have someone sleeping right next to us? How do we battle these feelings in a positive way and empower our relationships to get better? I want to offer three ways to battle those feelings. 

      First I want to suggest that you ACKNOWLEDGE the feelings of loneliness. Do the work that is needed to come to terms that you are actually feeling very lonely and evaluate where you feel these feelings stem from. Don't run away from the feelings, but work to try and understand why you feel the way you do and what you need to do next to work on you. Seek help if you are unable to reach beyond the surface of the feelings of loneliness. You know you are digging deeper if you're not spending all your time blaming others for why you feel lonely, but you are looking at YOU and where they stem from innately. 

       Next you want to COMMUNICATE to your significant other what you have been facing, but in a non-aggressive and positive way. This can be done by presenting your feelings in a non-threatening and non-blaming way. Communication is very important because no one can read your mind or have the power of empathy; to feel exactly what you are feeling. Even if you have been distant, moody, or stand-offish, no one will be able to tell exactly what you are facing unless you tell them. Blaming only opens the door for the other person to become defensive, when really the goal is to bring them into what you have discovered about yourself FIRST and how it is affecting the relationship. If they see that level of self-disclosure it may open the door for them to communicate with you. You may even discover that this person may have the same lonely feelings as you. 

     Finally or at least finally for this blog post, you want to CHALLENGE those feelings of loneliness by addressing the cause of the problem. If you're unhappy about the relationship, see if it is possible for you to change your perspective and position on the relationship. Try to start over, go out on dates to learn more about your significant other, learn new things about them, learn new things about yourself. If you feel you're unable to change those unhappy feelings on your own, seek help from a relationships expert or couples counselor. Don't be afraid to do the work or even come to a mutual and respectful agreement that the relationship may not be right for the both of you. Either way don't be afraid to challenge negative thoughts and try to work on it. Don't sit in your loneliness and blame others for not trying to work on it. 

 

 

     Depression is a very ugly and exhausting battle that most people try to ignore or paint as this beautiful little word call "sadness." People think, "Oh let me give this little sad bird some attention and then they will feel better." Others say, "Get over it! Life isn't that bad." No one ever listens to or pays attention to what the depressed person is saying or better yet what they aren't saying. This is why depression is such an ugly battle.

 

     The first image is what we all like to think depression looks like. To be honest some times it does look just like that. On the outside looking in though, you won't really see the person suffering with depression looking like picture one, but they will describe feeling that way; alone, hopeless, and often times sad.

 

     The second image is often how some people dealing with depression express themselves. Anger seems to be the only emotion that doesn't suffocate them. It is the only raw emotion that makes them "feel" something or rather "feel alive." So they lash out or they "snap at others" because it may seem like that is the only way to get someone to hear you. Think about it, most people do not want to be around people who are dealing with depression because they describe feeling drained, or frustrated because they can't "fix" the person who is facing depression. Wouldn't you lash out if no one really listened to you?

 

   The last image although a bit comical is what I believe the true face of depression looks like. We all fear being labeled or shamed into believing something is wrong with us. So to avoid the dirty looks or the judgment, we put on a smile or we get one drawn on. On the inside however, we are empty, unmotivated, alone, hopeless, sad, angry, and detached from things that once made us feel happy or we derived pleasure from it. There are a lot of people walking around looking like the third image, but feeling like the first picture.

 

    I want to encourage anyone that may have painted on a smile to seek help. Do not be ashamed to seek help. There is strength in getting help for depression. There is no shame. If you're not feeling motivated to get help, call someone you can trust to help you. Talk to someone and don't feel like you have to do it alone.

 

   "The best way to eat the giant elephant in the room is one bite at a time."-Someone important said this and they were right.

 

 

"Every man has his secret sorrows which the world knows not; and often times we call a man cold when he is only sad."  ― Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

 

 

I didn't want to wake up. I was having a much better time asleep. And that's really sad. It was almost like a reverse nightmare, like when you wake up from a nightmare you're so relieved. I woke up into a nightmare.”   ― Ned Vizzini, It's Kind of a Funny Story 

       There is nothing like a good friend, except maybe a great friend, or a best friend. Whatever category you place your friend in, it is an amazing feeling to have friends. I can attest to this because I have been blessed with some really great friends in my life. One of the things that I have learned about having friends is that you have to cherish them and the time you get to spend with your friends. Besides your co-workers, most of us spend more time with our friends than we do with our immediate family. I guess that is why our parents spent a good amount of time telling us to "choose our friends wisely" and to "be careful who we call our friends."

      I have also learned that you have to be intentional with your friends. You can not say that you're someone's friend and not show yourself to be a friend or be friendly. Being unable to keep your word is a good way to lose your friendships. In general being dishonest and untrustworthy are sure fire ways to lose relationships with anyone. Treat people how you want to be treated is definitely one of the top rules of friendships. How do you define your friendships? How do you treat your friends?

    The thing about friendships is knowing your friends. Simply knowing them and loving them for who they are and who they are to you. Most of us spend too much time wondering how our friends interact and treat other people; most of us miss out on how good our friends are to us because we are too focused on other people. I am guilty of being jealous of my friends' friends, but when you think about it, don't you want your friends to be loved by others instead of hated? We can't waste time worrying whether or not our friends love and care about us. If we have to wonder then it may be time to evaluate the friendship. I say let us focus on building and maintaining the friendship. Let us make time for our friends. Take every chance we get and love on our friends like there is no tomorrow.

"A man that has friends must show himself friendly: and there is a friend that sticks closer than a brother."- Proverbs 18:24



There are a lot of things in relationships that we have to just stop doing. I am going to list a few from my perspective and I want you to see if you find this helpful. Also if you want to comment please feel free to add to this list!

1. Please stop being with someone who clearly has no real interest in being with you.
2. Stop making a big deal out of every single thing that is done in your relationship.
3. Please stop lying to your significant other. Just stop lying period.
4. Stop holding back your true feelings and emotions just so the person won't leave you. If you can't be honest about what you are feeling or what you want from the relationship; get out of it.
5. Stop pretending like you love the things your significant other loves. Just be upfront about what you like and don't like. Work on finding things you both enjoy doing and do them.
6. Stop cheating! We live in a different day and time. You can honestly just be single and play the field without committing and lying to people. (Please practice safe sex).
7. Please stop practicing unsafe sex. The amount of contraceptives out here is outstanding. PROTECT YOURSELF and OTHERS!
8. STOP faking!
9. STOP faking orgasms! (WHO DOES THIS HELP PEOPLE??!!)
10. Stop having bad and disappointing sex. Truly discover the purpose of sex and the proper place for it. And then ENJOY IT!
11. Stop being evil!
12. Stop looking evil!
13. Stop dishes out hurtful comments.
14. Stop giving the cold shoulder.
15. Stop trying to kiss people with bad breath!
16. Stop being so judgmental.
17. Stop being so defensive.
18. Stop saying you want someone to tell you when you're wrong and then get mad when they tell you.
19. Stop refusing to apologize.
20. Please stop being unwilling to forgive others.
21. Stop ignoring text messages or phone calls and then act like you never got them.
22. Stop being a know it all!
23. STOP making promises you have no intention of keeping.
24. Stop talking all the time and start listening.
25. Stop being selfish.
26. Stop holding other people back because you are miserable.



These past few months have been a struggle for me. The nature of what I have been feeling has not only been unrelenting, but also unavoidable. I have tried my very best to pinpoint why I have been feeling so empty, so hurt, and so sad. I have tried and I have failed in trying to target the source of my growing sadness. I'm not at the point of complaining because I know there are other people out there dealing with much worse. I know there are people literally out there fighting for their lives and have less to fight with than I do, but even trying to remain positive has proven difficult.

To be honest, I just feel like a complete failure. A series of no's and rejection have piled on top of me like a ton of bricks. Although I am no stranger to rejection, the last few of been quite hard for me to process. To constantly feel like your best isn't good enough or despite your best efforts, you still didn't reach the mark. I know that this intense wallowing in self-pity will pass for me, but for right now it is unyielding in reminding me of how low I feel I am.

The image above captures how I feel internally on a daily basis.

I don't actually look that way when I'm with my children or at work. I keep a bright and often infectious smile on my face. I enter a room with a booming laugh and work hard to try to make everyone else laugh, but on the inside I feel just like the man in the picture feels.

However, I know that I will overcome this feeling. I know that I can make it through.

Depression is a real thing. It isn't something that just goes away. There is often what is called situational depression, which I know it is this time in my recent fight with the "D" word, but most times depression just surfaces and anchors itself even to the strongest of people. Depression can even be very debilitating if left unchecked.

There are ways to overcome depression.

First sometimes it is just important that we recognize that we are not alone. We should attempt to understand that a lot of people deal with depression or sadness. This is called "normalizing." Often times we stay in depressed state or mood because we feel like we are by ourselves.

Next we should try to find someone we can trust and talk to them. Again removing the desire to isolate and trying to connect to someone else can be really helpful in overcoming depressive symptoms or feelings. When we are depressed we feel disconnected from the world and others. Isolation may seem like a good idea and some alone time could be helpful, but to completely close yourself off and marinate in depressed feelings often is less helpful and contributes to the depressed feelings.

We should also try to challenge negative self-talk and negative thinking patterns that often grip us tightly and keep the feelings of sadness alive and strong. We can do that by thinking positive, focusing on the things that are going right for us, focusing on our strengths, surrounding ourselves around positive people, and refuse to be perfectionist. That last point is a big one for me. We have to be ok with being imperfect and human. We make mistakes and everything won't always go our way.

It is important to get enough sleep, eat well, and even exercise. Three things that I need to work on.

Finally I know a lot of people are against therapy or medication, but I believe it is so important to consider those things, especially when our self-help skills aren't helping.

I hope after reading this that you found this helpful. Don't deal with depression and sadness alone. We don't have to be the man in the picture.

Three Steps to a Restored Relationship:

Repent: From any wrong doing that may have contributed to the destruction of the relationship.

Reset: Start with a clean slate, set new goals, and strive for positive outcomes.

Renew: Renew all the positive things and promises in your relationship. Seek to strengthen the things that are limits and reinforce the strong bonds that you share within the relationship.

For those who are trying to navigate Dating:

Three things to keep in perspective while Dating:

1. Set reasonable expectations and don't compromise. You can readjust or redevelop expectations, but don't compromise them. The second you compromise just to keep from being alone, you have set yourself up to be disappointed.

2. Remember no one owes you anything! Stop going into dating relationships believing that someone is supposed to love you, or fall for you this way, or do for you that way. Dating and learning someone is a process and it is different for everyone. No one can be what your last person was to you and they shouldn't ever have to pay for the mistakes of others. You are how you think and feel. You behave based on the perception you have.

3. Have Fun!!! I say this over and over again to people I work with who are trying to navigate relationships. We enter dating relationships and we jump right into "playing marriage" When Dating, you should really enjoy the freedom that comes with dating. Embrace not having to plan your future, manage finances together, and truly enjoy getting to know each other. It is in fun that people are less superficial and more truthful. You can learn a lot about a person who is not trying to "Show you the best version of them."

#Dating #relationships #reasonableexpectations