Entry 14

I John 1:7-10-

7But if we walk in the light, as he is in the light, we have fellowship one with another, and the blood of Jesus Christ his Son cleanseth us from all sin.

8If we say that we have no sin, we deceive ourselves, and the truth is not in us.

9If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins, and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.

10If we say that we have not sinned, we make him a liar, and his word is not in us.

So unofficially it will be three years tonight at 12 am since I haven't had sex. I don't remember the official date or time. Anyway I say that it is three years unofficial because I hadn't decided not to have sex; instead it just hadn't happened.

Officially I've been celibate for 5 months. I have now also come to the conclusion that oral sex (giving or receiving) , masturbation, and pornography are all forms of sexual gratification that I must also give up. This last sentence has probably been one of the hardest things I've ever had to write. I'm the type of person who doesn't care what people think about me, but I also don't want my truth and honesty to become a stumbling block for me i.e. jobs, awards, potential wife, friendships, becoming the next president, etc. In other words I don't want me talking about this openly and people try to use it against me, but to be honest my walk with Christ and saving someone else's life has to come before all of that. And the truth is no one wants someone who is fake, a hypocrite, afraid of what people may think, etc. trying to tell them how to live right if they can't be honest, or can't live right themselves. Hopefully what I write won't come back to bite me, but if it changes someone's life or leads them to Christ then I will take those wounds.

So 5 months and I haven't made all the right choices. I was really close to turning my back on this celibacy thing; especially since me getting married anytime soon doesn't look possible lol. I've come to realize that marriage and sex aren't trends that should be taken lightly or entered into lightly. I've also learned that I have some serious issues that I need to work on. Sex, masturbation, pornography, my flesh, and my lust for beautiful women and their bodies has really affected my spiritual life. So I know that me giving up sex until I'm married was a great decision for me. Although I'm afraid that I maybe single for the rest of my life seeing as no woman has been truly worthy enough to deserve all I have to give or maybe I've just been looking in the wrong places; honestly I don't know what it is, but I do hope that the right one comes along down the line, because me being celibate for the rest of my life is not something I look forward to.

So here's to a year of full and complete celibacy. Please those of you who know how to pray please keep me in your prayers and please those of you who know how to be a positive encouragement; please encourage me to walk uprightly.

God I pray that whomever reads this will get to know you. If they already know you I pray that they would get closer to you. If they have fallen like I have, Lord I pray that they will confess their sins to you and accept the forgiveness you offer. Father in the name of Jesus I pray for the Christians who are not perfect and want to live for you, that you would give them the courage to do so, and that we all will go out of our way; to extreme lengths and measures, to show the world that you are a kind, loving, and compassionate God/Savior, and that you are willing to forgive them. Lord Jesus you were willing to forgive the young man who is typing these words, so I know if you can forgive me of all my evil, God that you are willing to forgive them. In Jesus name I pray Amen.

John 3:16- For God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in him should not perish, but have everlasting life.

I John 4:10- Herein is love, not that we loved God, but that he loved us, and sent his Son to be the propitiation for our sins.

Happy New Year To All

So I've decided to end this year by ending all of my main posts i.e. So..., Joe's Celibacy Journal, and Dating PTSD. A lot has happened this year; many things have happened, some of it good, some of it bad, but all in all I'm ready to end this year and go into the new one right (God willing).

The best things about this year has been:

• My father saying that after 5 years of being unhappy this year he could finally say he's happy. My father means a lot to me and to hear him say he's happy really made me feel great.
• Getting a chance to finally talk to my sister/best friend and apologizing to her if she felt like I abandoned her. We had a very long talk and it was filled with sadness, happiness, and forgiveness. I love you SCW (I love all my siblings, but her and I have been through a lot together).
• My best-friends/adopted brother and sister (The Princes) on getting married and becoming homeowners. They are my encouragement and my closets friends.
• I'm one step closer to finishing school. 2009 will be the year of graduation.
• My mother and I have gotten a lot closer this year and I missed all her hugs and craziness.
• I was a cast member in this awesome play called Love Forgotten and the play changed my life.

Now some of the worse things that have happened this year:

I fell in love with this young lady. I let her beauty and her kindness get into my very soul. I was so entranced by her that I didn't read the signs clearly, I knew there may have been an attraction, but I also knew that it wasn't going to go any further than that. I tortured myself though; I mean you don't find a chocolate, fine, sexy, bright, caring, long hair, sexy in heels, sexy in a black dress, sexy smile, smart, funny, kind, sexy, cute, make you want to drink her bath water kind of woman everyday, but with all this I didn't see that she didn't view me as the man she wanted in her life. Did I mention that she is beautiful in every way? Yeah I also went into a relationship with another girl (a really good friend of mine; who happens to be very beautiful and sexy as well), but I entered into a relationship with her, with this other girl on my heart and my mind, not to mention I spent years and months earlier pining for this light skinned young lady, while at the same time trying to be her friend.

Once again I fell into what I felt was unrequited love and this other young lady had no idea how I felt, but one day she called and told me that she did share the same feelings. I thought it was a dream come true and since my chocolate wonder woman wasn't giving me the time or day; I decided to get into a relationship with my beautiful, sexy, and quite opinionated friend. Let's just say it was bad timing and me being a stupid head. I shouldn't have entered into a relationship with anyone when I had feelings for someone else. Come on jwriter that's Dating 101. jwriter you have also been a victim of this kind of relationship so why would you do that to anyone else. Anyway we ended it and I tried to go on this dating/flirty/confident binge. Let's just say that exploded in my face. I was stood up for many of those dates, didn't have the funds for them, and when I finally emailed the chocolate drop so much she finally sent me one saying she didn't feel I was the man for her. CRUSHED!!! Thus a few new post of Dating PTSD and SO... entered into my blog.

Oh I forgot to mention that some women that were interested in me stopped when I announced that I was choosing celibacy. (If you haven't read my celibacy journal you'll learn that for two years I was celibate, not by choice though, but now I'm celibate by choice).

I lost a person I thought was a really good friend and I have no idea why.

I have no money as all of it is going into school and traveling back and forth to school/internship.

I lost my car. This is a source of real sadness. I had her since I was 14 and she was good to me.

I talked to a girl last night. I told her why I've been so distant, that I needed time to get over her. The feelings I've repressed for two months came rushing back, but I have gotten so good at lying to myself and others I made it seem that I was OK. Since I want to be open and honest on my blog I have to say that I'm not over it. The wound is still fresh.

I think I blew my chance with another fine, tall, sexy young woman; who is just as wild as I can be when it comes to having fun. Just running my mouth about how broke I am and how I don't have much time to go out to dinner; instead of just scraping some money, borrowing the car from good ole Dad (who by the way wants me to date and enjoy my 20's lol) and taking her out. Nope blew it. I talk to much and tend to over think things.

I've sinned so much this year I really think that I might need to spend the entire New Year asking God for forgiveness. I mean my life as a Christian has really taken a turn for the worse. Not the life everyone sees, but the one only God and myself know about. I'm not proud about it at all. I hoping if Jesus does come back today, tomorrow, or next week that He would except me, because I know he hasn't been proud of my actions. The good thing about Christ though is that He isn't judgmental or unforgiving as some of us Christians make Him out to be. I should have been dead along time ago and yet He has blessed me to see another year. God I want to do right in 2009 and really make a commitment to you, my celibacy, and my prayer life.

I've been having sex dreams about one of my exes and it has brought back some feelings that I really need to go away. We have both moved on and it really isn't any need to relive that, but I'm starting to really miss our relationship and at one point I thought she was the one I would marry. (I told you that I tend to over think things).

Well I think that is all of my business that I'm willing to put out there. I think for the most part I'm going to try and just focus on building a better relationship with God, finishing school, work on my blog, and study for my licensing exam. I think I need to take a break from trying to find a woman and just focus on those things. (If something happens it happens).

Thanks for reading so...

As I was in a restless daze at 4 am this morning, I turned on my Ipod; listened to some scriptures, music, and then realized that I never gave any definitions on what dating ptsd was. I'm sure I did in an earlier post, but I'll do it here for those of you are asking why I do these post. First I will give a general definition of the word dating and break down what PTSD stands for. After that I will explain why I've put these two terms together; though I'm sure most of you have already figured it out.

Dating: to go out socially on dates: She dated a lot during high school. To make a date with; go out on dates with someone. (Dictionary.com)

PTSD: PTSD stands for Posttraumatic Stress Disorder. The DSM-IV (Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders Fourth Edition) lists PTSD as an anxiety disorder that is characterized by the re-experiencing of an extremely traumatic event accompanied by symptoms of increased arousal and by avoidance of stimuli associated with the trauma.

I do not take lightly people who are dealing with real PTSD and I also realize that dating isn't a "development of characteristic symptoms following exposure to an extreme traumatic stressor involving personal experience of an event that involves actual or threatened death or serious injury," (DSM-IV, p.463), but I do know that dating can either be a wonderful experience(s) or it can be a nightmare. (The nightmare can bring what I like to call Dating PTSD or the possible avoidance or anxiety in terms of Dating/Relationships).

I decided to do Dating PTSD from my own experiences and the experiences others have shared with me. I'm not an expert, and mostly the stuff I write within these posts are my opinion. I normally (when giving advice) try not to base stuff off opinion, but facts. I realize though that in the world of dating there is more opinion than actual facts. I honestly don't think there are experts on how a person can effectively navigate the dating scene, but I do believe that some people give some really great advice. I'm hoping that I can become one of those people who gives good advice on dating and that I actually get out there again as well. Yeah if you haven't read the past posts I've had some Dating PTSD.

I'm hoping in the New Year that I can really improve my blogging skills, get some more people reading and commenting; especially commenting (smile), but most of all that the stuff I blog about is helpful to someone.

Happy New Year

References

DSM-IV-TR 4th Edition, 2000, American Psychiatric Association

Today I ate some SOS, watched Blood and Chocolate, got my haircut, and washed clothes. Tonight I will be going to this bar called the Fish Market for a friend's party. I'm excited about hanging out. What shall I do tomorrow? I don't even know.

I have often been told that I look better with a haircut. I myself believe I look great either way, with a curly bush and a face full of hair, or with a nice hair cut and a clean shave. Today I got my haircut and I have to say the look is totally different. It just amazes me that within 15 to 20 minutes of sitting down in the barber's chair how different I look once the clippers where shut off. I came home and looked in the mirror; I began to wonder how great it would be if I could make changes in my life as quickly as I changed the style of my hair. I want to make so many changes, but as they say change takes time. I just really want to be a different person, a different man, a better Christian, or even just a better man. I guess it can happen if I really want it to, but these changes will take time and commitment.

How I Wish Change Was Like A Haircut!!!!

Entry 13-


Wikipedia defines sex as being: a process of combining and mixing genetic traits, often resulting in the specialization of organisms into male and female types (or sexes). Ok so this is not what I've been fighting against or thinking about constantly. So I looked up sexual intercourse. Wikipedia defines sexual intercourse in its biological sense, is the act in which the male reproductive organ (in humans and other higher animals) enters the female reproductive tract, called copulation or coitus in other reference. Furthermore Wikipedia gives some functions that sex serves beyond reproduction. Wikipedia states that Sex as exercise burns calories to produce health benefits. Sex relieves stress, boosts the immune system with higher levels of immunoglobulin A, improves cardiovascular health, increases self-esteem, improves intimacy, reduces pain by production of the hormone oxytocin, reduces the risk of prostate cancer, strengthens pelvic muscles, and promotes good sleep. In addition, sex improves the sense of smell and urinary bladder control. However, sexual behavior can be a disease vector. Safe sex is a relevant harm reduction philosophy.


Wow with all these great benefits why is sex so bad? Why am I staying away from these great benefits, besides the obvious risk factors of disease, unwanted pregnancy, and emotional/spiritual scarring that may occur. Why have I decided to wait? Is it because God thinks sex is bad. No God doesn't think sex is bad, He created it and He also said that He would bless it. So that means He will take something good and make it even better??? Wow! But he asks that we wait until we are married before diving into this wonderful gift. This is so you won't have to deal with the disease, the emotional and spiritual scarring, and the suffering that comes along with having sex outside of marriage. *(I do understand that married people deal with the negatives as well, but it maybe because those individuals aren't following the plan God has for those who are married). He desires that you get married and you can freely enjoy the gift of sexual intercourse with your husband or your wife; also you can enjoy the benefits outlined above.


So what is this journal entry all about. Well this is the battle that I'm constantly fighting with. It seems that I can't stop dreaming about sex, thinking about sex, wanting sex, and craving it. The battle has become increasingly difficult readers. Apart of it is that I'm just determined to do things my way, but shoot my mind is constantly clouded with thoughts of holding a beautiful woman in my arms and we enjoying ourselves to every carnal pleasure imaginable (with limits of course). But I know this isn't what God has planned for me and of course I also know that feeling guilty is not something I enjoy.


Sometimes I feel that maybe I shouldn't have announced that I was officially going to be celibate. The battle wasn't this hard when I was celibate-but-not-on-purpose lol, but I guess there is a huge difference between a dry spell (not getting any cause your game is whack lol) and making a decision to honor God's request/desire to wait until I'm married until having sex. Some people (even Christian individuals) have looked at me like I was crazy for deciding to be celibate and I'm like dang family can I get some support lol. (Not everybody though my closest friends have been a huge encouragement to me). I just need to stop playing around with this and truly spend time in prayer, reading my Word, and being careful what I put into my mind (Californication, The L Word, The Tudors, Crash (TV series), and stay away from late night cable (Real Sex and Zane Sex Chronicles). Yeah it's that serious.


1 Corinthians 6:15-20 (King James Version)


15Know ye not that your bodies are the members of Christ? shall I then take the members of Christ, and make them the members of an harlot? God forbid.


16What? know ye not that he which is joined to an harlot is one body? for two, saith he, shall be one flesh.

17But he that is joined unto the Lord is one spirit.


18Flee fornication. Every sin that a man doeth is without the body; but he that committeth fornication sinneth against his own body.

19What? know ye not that your body is the temple of the Holy Ghost which is in you, which ye have of God, and ye are not your own?


20For ye are bought with a price: therefore glorify God in your body, and in your spirit, which are God's.


Hebrews 13:4 (King James Version)

4Marriage is honourable in all, and the bed undefiled: but whoremongers and adulterers God will judge.

Ephesians 5:30-32 (King James Version)

30For we are members of his body, of his flesh, and of his bones.

31For this cause shall a man leave his father and mother, and shall be joined unto his wife, and they two shall be one flesh.


32This is a great mystery: but I speak concerning Christ and the church.


I must fight! I must run!!! I must remain celibate!!!

I John 1:9- If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins, and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.


I want to walk in real repentance. I truly want to receive the free gift of forgiveness that God is willing to give to us. I don't understand how He is able to forgive me, how he is able to look past all the wrong that I've done, but He freely gives forgiveness to me. Ladies and Gentlemen I went to church today and I really was down; especially knowing the things I've done in secret, but the message that my pastor preached today really spoke into my life. Well it started when the people began to worship God through their hurt. Right after altar call people just started to praise God, I wanted to sit down and not even open my mouth, but to hear the sincere praise and worship from the people of God moved me to begin to confess to God, to open my mouth, to just worship Him. I felt so free. I know that I'm prone to fall, but this time around I'm hoping that I won't fall so freely. I'm hoping that this time around I will flee from temptation, I would read and study the Word, and I would begin to pray. I'm so amazed that Christ would love me enough to give his life for me; no he gave his life to the entire world, and the most powerful part about it is that he gave it for free. Furthermore he doesn't force himself on anyone, you choose Christ, you choose to live forever, you choose the Son of God, or you don't. I pray that people would choose Him and that the Christians around the world would begin to present the true loving Christ. The compassionate Christ, the forgiving Christ, the saving Christ, the kind Christ, the Christ that speaks to the Father on our behalf, and the Jesus Christ that told us to love your neighbor as you love yourself.

The forgiveness that I need is the one that comes from above... Forgive me Lord Jesus for all my sins. Whether sins of thought, word, or deed; Father God the Forgiveness I need is the forgiveness that comes from You.

II Peter 3:9-10: The Lord is not slack concerning his promise, as some men count slackness, but is longsuffering to us-ward, not willing that any should perish, but that all should come to repentance. (10)- But the day of the Lord will come as a thief in the night: in the which the heavens shall pass away with a great noise, and the elements shall melt with fervent heat, the earth also and the works that are therein shall be burned up.

Just wanted to share the types people I've dated. Going to try and keep this as anonymous as I can lol. These are real cases and real women in whom I've dated, talked to, or was in a relationship limbo with.

The Double dipper: This one I've known for a long time. We were a couple back in the day, but it didn't work out. Anyway she called me after a few years and told me how unhappy she was we didn't work out and that she would love for us to become an item again. Now I was extremely desperate to be in a relationship; as well as at the time to get some action (pre-celibacy decision). Well of course we talked about getting back together and it sounded like she was more mature. Guys and girls it sounded as if she was ready for a serious relationship until she said this: "jwriter I want to be clear that I'm in an open relationship and I want to know if you would be my other boyfriend as well," Of course I stared at the phone in disbelief. Did she honestly think I was willing to be in a relationship with her, while she dated someone else? This last statement is what made me hang up on her immediately: "At least this time around I wouldn't be doing things behind your back," Of course I didn't entertain this and realized she hadn't matured, but instead her game just evolved.

The Damsel In Distress: Of course if you haven't learned this about me I'm a magnet for women who seem to be having troubles or relationship issues. This one I met in college. No one knew about her, because I didn't talk much about her. I always get these women who start to like me after I stay up late nights talking to them, comforting them, praying for them, helping them financially, holding their hands through the hard times. A Superman so to speak. Well this one only wanted to be with me if I continued to be Superman, unfortunately I was unable to save her due to my own need to be saved. Needless to say after a few dates which ended in arguments of why I've changed; with me saying I haven't changed you just don't need to be saved by me anymore, she dumped me for the dark knight real fast lol.

Multiple- Emotionally-Unavailable- Woman: Oh this is not just one woman alone, but a mutant who has the ability to not only clone themselves, but also to make these clones come in different shapes and sizes. These women are almost everything I'm looking for in a woman: Smart, funny, confident, loves God, and is very interested in me. I think I hear you asking yourself, "Ok so what's the problem," I'll tell you they are in a emotional relationship with someone else or I'm the PLACEHOLDER. I try my very best not to curse, but these women are @%!&@&^**&^@ in my life and I wish they would stop the madness and not waste my time.

I LOVE SEX TOO MUCH: This girl I'm not really mad at so much, but it just disturbed me kind of that we stop dating because I decided to not be sexually active anymore. (Note her and I never had sex, but I guess she kept it in the back of her mind) Anyway things were going great with her. I love conversation (She could hold one), I love to laugh (she did too), I love watching movies and relaxing (she was the queen), and we hung out like crazy. Here's when things went down hill. I told her that I was considering celibacy. She immediately said that as much as she liked me she didn't think she could be in a relationship with no intimacy. We argued back in forth about what intimacy really was (me saying that sexual intercourse and intimacy are not the same or in other words you can have one without the other), (she on the other hand felt that they are and that a relationship can't stand when sex is not in the equation). She further proved that she wasn't "right" for me because she said she didn't think I would be able to maintain my celibacy. I'm hoping to prove her wrong. I really thought that this was going to be the relationship for me, but I was wrong.

bigBUTeasyonethe eyes: As the name suggest she was a big girl, but she was beautiful. She was nice, kind, and we really enjoyed each others company. The problem was she didn't have a lot of confidence and I spent a lot of time trying to get her to stop putting herself down. She also was unable to come to grips with the fact that I really liked her. Of course I'm not telling the whole truth, but for the sake of anonymity I can't reveal the deeper reasons why I didn't pursue this; although I will say that her lack of confidence really was a turn off.


Friendzoner: This is the one I think I could have had a great relationship, but unfortunately she entered the realm of permanent friend. I was into her and she was into me, but we decided to be friends first. Good choice, but we turned the chemistry button off and nothing was flowing. She became a true friend and I couldn't turn the chemistry back on. I can't talk about this one for two long because I kind of regret my decision. I could be happy right now, but I didn't take a risk, I punked out, and I let a good one become a friendzoner. I turned into the very person I dislike, "You're a great woman and all, but I think we are better off as friends," Stupid stupid jwriter.

The Great Teaser: There are a few of these that I've dated, but one in particular I feel gets a kick of dangling the prospect of a relationship over my head. Again there are a few of these I've dated, but this one has some kind of hold over me and deep down I'm loving it. On the surface it pisses me off, but deep down I get a sick thrill out of it. I want to be with her so bad, but I know she is no good for me; especially since she knows how I feel. Dang I want to use a lot of profane language on this one. LOL

I'm actually getting depressed reading this so I will stop here. I'm not dating anyone right now, but I'm going to get back out there soon. I will write more about my experiences, but tell me what you think so far.

Read, Comment, Discuss.

This is a comment I left on this really cool blogger's post called: "The Call Out", the blog is really good. Anyway here is the comment I left:


Dang man I ask my self the same question. Why am I not the guy? I'm always told I'm everything they want in another man in a round about way... If I go to school to get my PhD. my thesis will be about the "dog gene" the gene that some men are born with, to have no good qualities at all, but yet they get all the women. Shoot they may have great qualities but like being players and dogs. Then there's me and maybe a percentage of other guys who have the propensity be dogs/players, but honestly they weren't born with the "dog gene" and are just good guys. Or maybe I'm delusional and I just might not be as attractive as I think I am. (This is going on my blog as a post lol)

Man I almost don't know what to write as I sit down in front of my computer. I took this week off from life period and I've just watched tv, played some video games, and chilled. Something I really haven't been able to do in about five months.

At the same time I've been living inside my mind and honestly my fellow bloggers, it is very dark in there. I'm troubled, but I can't seem to put my finger on what I'm troubled about. Yes I do, I'm just afraid to say it out loud because I sound weak. I'm all about trying to truly become this honest and open person I've always proclaimed to be, so here I go. Just to be clear this blog is for people to read and comment, but for real this is my therapy, and this is the place where I'm not control by social constructs and the societal gender role of a male not being able to show emotions.

My physical life sucks. What I mean by physical life is not sexual, but more of the in the flesh perspective. I really don't have the money to do what I want to do, I can't hang out like I want, my car was totalled, and I pray that after I graduate from school that the things I want in life come to me real fast. I need a peace of mind literally and I know for sure that money doesn't buy you happiness or at least eternal happiness, but I hope it does bring me some peace of mind.

My spiritual life is confused. I can't even begin to explain the turmoil that I'm facing, and a lot of it is what I've caused. I've been so caught up on the things of this earth, I've forgotten about the relationship I have with Christ. I've been in this spiritual depression for years now, and honestly I don't know how to get out of it. I'm miserable and it has nothing to do with God, or Christ, or my Church, but everything to do with me. I want it all and I want it all now. And honestly the problem I'm facing is that I don't want to give up anything in order to gain all the blessings Christ has promised to me. I want to continue to live like I want and also be blessed by God. I know this is not healthy, nor is it a reality, but this is what I'm facing.

Dating life- I don't have one. Mostly I don't have the time, nor the money to cultivate a dating lifestyle as much as I want one. I chose school over making good money and dating. Again a complaint that hopefully will end once school ends. Now if this complaint continues pass then it is all my fault for not having one. Also I can't find a woman on my level... I'll explain in detail on another post, but it has been difficult finding someone who is honest with themselves on whether or not they are attracted to me and everything that is me. They try it out, but for the most part they only see me as a friend, want me to be their male girlfriend LOL, say that I'm a nice guy and they don't want to ruin me (which I appreciate, but at the same time dag good guys need love too, ruin me I can handle it lol), or they change on me once we start dating. I don't know, maybe I need to find a new venue on where I meet women lol, but again as much as people don't want to admit it money makes the world go round. Shoot maybe the source of my problem is that I keep telling people I'm in grad school and they equate that to having no money LMBO. Maybe that is why I don't have a dating life. Maybe I need to shut my mouth about being in school and not really having the time to work as much as I would like too. LOL.

So their is my complaint list that I've finally got out in the open. Sounds kind of stupid when I put it down on paper lol, but it is what it is and I hope that I can get through this. So I can have the will to move on.

Read on readers...

I wonder my faithful readers if you've ever heard of the unconscious mind? Have you heard the theory that the unconscious mind is what motivates all of our actions or in other words every action has an unconscious motive behind it?

I'll give you an example of what I'm talking about. Imagine a man who is unhappy with his marriage because his wife talks down to him. He is hurt because she talks down to him, but on an unconscious level he stays with her because he unconsciously is attracted to women who put him down. Does this sound crazy or is this quite possible? I think it maybe, but honestly I'm not certain. I do know that I have a theory; not of my mind having unconscious motives, but my heart.

For some reason, whether it is just bad choices, bad luck, or an unconscious motive; I seem to always fall for or choose women who are either unavailable on a commitment level, emotional level, or even a level that is remotely comprehensible. I don't know, but it is my theory that my heart unconsciously melts when a woman that is unattainable crosses my path. And when she does she becomes the center of my attention, even after I find out she may still be in love with her ex, she only likes me one-fourth as much as I may like her, or I'm only friend material, but she doesn't know how to tell me. After all this blogspot, I still get head over hills for them, and I purpose in my heart to make up for whatever I'm lacking or what their ex's may have lacked thereof, but the truth is their heart wants what their heart wants; I on the other hand end up having to move on or wallow in self pity.

Maybe my unconscious heart was created for when I was young and felt that my mother's love was somewhat unavailable to me. Now don't get me wrong my mother loved me and still does; I love my mother with all my heart, but when I was younger I did feel...well that's the past. Wherever this unconscious motive of the cardiovascular type came from, I will say that it needs to pass and I need to get my life together. Cause a broken heart is no fun.

A Poem

A Broken Heart.
It Happens by bigerdan

I've never felt so numb before
I guess I've had enough
It could be a shock as well to realize how shallow our love is..
My love is fading,
I can't feel anything anymore
No, I don't hate him
Deep inside i know i still care..
The special feeling fades
As he revealed his true colors to me
I didn't know how unimportant I am to him,
until that day
I've never felt so embarrassed and little in my whole life
I don't know if there's still a chance for us,
only time will tell
And you know to my surprise, in just one day,
it happens...
just like that...
My love just fades away...

I haven't done a So post in a while.

I've just been wondering why am I unable to look into myself pass the superficial borders of my mind and heart. I've stated in the previous post that I'm having some self-concept issues, but for some reason I'm unable to look deep within myself and question it. My defenses are up against myself and I run from trying to dig deeper. Maybe I'm afraid of what I might find, that I might not like what I find. I love myself there is no doubt about it, but there is something deeper going on. I know it is, but like this post I'm going in circles. It is so easy for us as human beings to look at other people problems, give advice, think what they need to do, and sometimes even pass judgment, but it isn't always easy for us to look inwardly and question our own self.

A lot of us have so much sadness within ourselves, but we won't deal with it.

Many of us have so much anger on the inside, but we won't deal with it.

Many of us have so much hurt that is built up in our hearts and minds, but we won't deal with it.

Many of us have so much Darkness that has enveloped our very core, but we won't deal with it.

Some of us are so comfortable in self-loathing that dealing with it would strip us of who we are or at least think we are; for that I say deal with it.

I don't know what it is with me (that's a lie), but I know that I have to deal with it. The first step is admiting that there is something wrong. I've done just that with this post.

Thanks for reading... so

Entry 12

In the last two weeks I'm beginning to lose my grip on remaining celibate from everything. No I haven't sinned and had sex, I'm still determined to not have sex again until I'm married, but I'm not working to build my defenses against the temptations my mind, body, and the devil are building against me. A huge part of it is my past and how I allowed sex and sexual gratification to rule over me. Another part is my laziness, or my overall need not to do any work, but to just watch tv, play video games, and hang out with my friends. I read my Bible, but I don't study it. I pray but only in the morning and before bed. (fasting is a whole other story)! I know that I can't win this fight against my flesh if I don't build these defenses.

I've also discovered that I had to check my motives behind this decision. It was a cry for attention (not just from God who can see through my bull) but attention from people, acceptance, a need to escape the fact that I really don't have a high self-concept that I put off. To announce that I'm celibate to the online world (was one way to expose myself and put the sin of committing fornication and watching pornography), but honestly it was for me to have people focus their attention on something -Great- I was doing and for me not to look at the hurt I was feeling. For me to escape my loneliness and frustration of not having successful relationships or dating interactions (Dating PTSD LOL).

In light of my recent mistakes and falling I know that I have to get the right motives for my decision to become celibate, get right with God, repent, and work on re-building my self-concept.
Celibacy is not a burden, but the right decision.