So... I can't even deny it any longer, I'm really hurting over this thing journal. The difference now is that I'm not letting the hurt consume my entire life. Not only I'm I not letting it consume my life, I'm not walking around like my life is all good and trying to keep a smile on my face.

Journal this time things were different for me. I just don't know what to do with these feelings anymore and to be honest I don't want them to go away. I honestly journal, I don't want this to be, I don't want closure and I don't want to move on, but I know I have too.


This is hard for me and I am so lost, but I am learning. I'm sorrowful and I'm learning.


My heart is opened and I can't close it!!!


So... I love you!

I was once in love with a woman that only loved me for what I can do for her. She loved me until she got the one she wanted. I couldn't be mad at her though because the truth is I was using her to escape the pain I was feeling. To numb my pain with what she could offer lustfully and through a strained and painful relationship. Her love and her body was my medication for extreme depression and hatred.

I was in love with a married women. Though we were never intimate or sexually intimate I was in love with the idea of being in love with her. I was lesd to believe the marriage never was real and that it dissolved, but I knew deep down something was amiss. I wanted to be loved by someone and why not the person I was crushing on for so long. But the guilt and shame I felt and the reminder that so many people have been hurt because of adulterous relationships; this relationship was killing me and I resolved to end it, but couldn't because I was in love with the idea of someone being in love with me and wanting to marry me. It ended of course when I found out the marriage was in fact real, but man did it hurt. I'm so ashamed of this and it kills me even to this day. I hate myself deeply for this for loving another man's wife. I know God has forgiven me, but the darkness still burns and it is forever etched within my heart. The hurt is still fresh.

I was in love and I loved a woman who couldn't truly be with me. I loved her so much I was willing to forsake all others and give my life, my mind, body, and soul to her. To devote my all. She was to be my second whole and I hers. To be my help mate and the lover I craved endlessly. I was in love with being in love, especially being in love with her. I wanted her to be my Eve and I wanted to create a Garden of Eden with her. The tears burn as they stain my face and bleed from my eyes. I still love her, but I had to let her go or she had to let me go. The lines are so blurry. I still love her, but...

I was in love with the lust of this world and it nearly destroyed who I am and what I have the potential of becoming.

Love hurts and Hurt Loved.

So...I've been afraid to blog or to even journal lately because I have been so depressed. Yeah I stand in the wake of another break up, but this time was different. This time I knew it was coming and I knew there was nothing I could do about it. I can finally say that I almost made it two years with someone, but once again it is with deepest regret that I say we didn't make it. Mostly journal because I don't know how to keep my mouth shut or how to back down. And when you have two people with the same personality or determination to be on top; maybe as a relationship pastor said two stubborn people can't make it. Two people who want to be in control or be the dominate personality can't make it; they clash. I don't think it was fully that reason, but rather my purpose to only know happiness in a relationship for a short while. Or maybe it was fate's way of giving me what I wished for and letting me know that's it. (Be careful what you ask for). I asked for a relationship that could last a year or more and that's what I got.

Journal I've said this before, but I think I have a new resolve. I don't know if I believe in any other type of relationship except for friendships and marriage. The in between for me just brings too many unknowns and too many heartbreaks. This was different than all the others because it wasn't for cheating or because we were unhappy with each other, but it was because...well I really don't know and honestly I don't care anymore. Dating relationships are for the birds and birds don't even date they choose lifelong partners. Someone said that maybe I was just meant to be single and to bring joy and happiness to the relationships of others. I sort of feel that maybe they were right. I'm just done with them for now, but I know every now and then I want to hold a woman in my arms.

Journal I can't describe how hard it is to watch the woman you love or the women you once loved move on to someone else. To see the laugh that you made them do some other man is doing that now. It is hard when it is right in your face and you see it. Bastards lied when they said things get better with time, but the truth is you just get better at ignoring the pain until it is repressed so far and deep in your mind you for get about it. Time is a cruel slave master that will hold you down and beat the life out of you.

Love and being In Love is just as cruel.

So...I'm approaching this game a new way.

So...I won't be the same or fall for the same traps.

So...relationships are for the birds. Birdies have fun.

So... sometimes I feel like I'm not cared or truly loved. I know journal it sounds so stupid to say out loud; I mean all the loved ones I have, all the people that love me, that show me love, or who say they love me; why in the world do I feel like I'm unloved? I don't know, but I do. I just feel so empty sometimes. I know a huge part of that is my disconnect from God. I've disconnected myself from Him and not the other way around. I have no idea how to pull myself out of these feelings, they just go away, but I truly hate when they do come around.

So...Journal there are honestly times when I'm absolutely in love with being in love and then there are other times when I wish I had more control over these feelings. I mean honest I wish I could cut these feelings off and on. Especially days when I'm hurt or angry and I don't want to think of this person. But I do. "she" invades my thoughts and as angry as I am at her at times I still feel the pull to want to hold her, to kiss her, to make her smile, to hear her laugh, and to feel the connection that we have; despite our need to deny it or to hide it. I really am in love and I hate it sometimes journal because I feel so helpless and captivated by it all at the same time. What am I supposed to do?

So...today I watched a group of married people just talking and laughing...journal I don't think they realize how happy they looked. It is truly something too this "companionship thing" As much as people want to always say. "It ain't easy being married," "Or you don't know what we go through," besides all of that, why can't people just understand that there is something special about being with someone, loving someone, and they love you back; and one of the most important things about marriage: Guilt Free SEX!!!! There are benefits to that phrase that are both good for the physical, emotional, and mental being. Believe me I enjoyed watching them happy, but a very small part of me had a hint of envy...this is my journal so I can be honest. I wasn't just envious for myself, but I was envious for that married couple that isn't as happy and it isn't for there lack of trying.

So...I will be working on my walk with God journal and I will be trying to REPENT from my evil ways. Help me Lord to turn from my wicked ways and return to you and your laws. "I'm a stranger in this Earth hide not your commandments from me."