There are two things we need to do in our efforts to becoming healthier people who have healthier relationships, "Stop putting our negative feelings, thoughts, and ideas on other people. Stop allowing people to place their negative thoughts, feelings, or ideas on us."

The statement above came to me when I was thinking back on how I was so negative about my marriage because I was feeling so bad about myself. Things were going really bad at my previous job, I was stressed out about income, and being a new father; I just couldn't come out of the funk I was in. I was projecting these feelings on my family and others, and all that did was make me feel empty.

Emptiness is a terrible feeling or emotional state to be in or at least it was for me. To feel like nothing no one could do or say would make you feel better or move to a better state of mind was a horrible place to be. I was completely empty and dark inside and I will discuss more in another post as to where this emptiness came from. I knew that I was being negative and I knew I was not being fair to my family and loved ones.

I define Displaced Emptiness as taking out your feelings of emptiness or feelings of disappointment on other people, especially those closets to you. It is the act of blaming people for your troubled feelings or inadequacies. Projection and Displacement are two different defense mechanisms; the picture above is actually a visual example of projection, but I liked it because it showed how blaming or taking things out on your loved ones gets you both in a tangled mess.

It is not fair to your friends, family, children, significant other, or spouse for you to take your feelings of emptiness out on them. To isolate yourself away from the people you love without any explanation or to completely disappear emotionally and refuse to do anything to fix it.

I'm not here to be hard on anyone because I had to be set free from this as well and here are some steps to get through this:

1. Acknowledge that you're feeling empty, incomplete, or disappointed. No one can help you if you are not first honest with yourself with what is going on. It would be especially good if you let the people you have been taking stuff out on know what is going on as well. It will be important for them to know why you have been acting the way you have. The truth shall set you free.

2. Ask for forgiveness to those you may have blamed or isolated from your life because you felt empty or incomplete. Forgiveness is removing the desire and expectation for the person or persons who wronged you to pay for what they did. Forgiveness is releasing yourself from being controlled by the hurt or anger you feel for the person or the wrong they did towards you. Forgiveness is the unconditional release of the person who wronged you. This is what God does for us! Forgiveness is self-freedom. So apologize and let it go; ask them to let it go too.

3. Seek help and embrace change. This is a very important step after you acknowledge the emptiness and ask for forgiveness. Once you have let go of the weights of blame, guilt, shame, and unforgiveness; you'll be able to take the biggest action step of getting help. There is nothing wrong with seeking help whether it be from a therapist, spiritual advisor, or a good friend who will keep it real with you. Don't sit in the feelings of emptiness any longer. Emptiness is often accompanied or followed by feelings of depression, which can then lead to deeper and more dangerous issues if left unchecked. Once you begin to get the help and start changing you have to embrace and own it. Don't get stuck in where you were, but begin to move to a better place.

I hope this helps someone. These steps definitely helped me.

Everyone has their own ideas on what it takes to have a great relationship. So I just want to quickly share my ideas on what I believe are the necessary ingredients to a strong relationship.

Here we go:

1. Human Connection! View and treat the person you are dating or in a relationship with as a human being and not a god/superhero. You are setting a person up for failure when you forget that they are an infallible being just like you. Having a human to human connection makes room for people to be imperfect and opens the door to compassion and understanding.

2. Open Communication! Open and effective communication means that both persons are developing strong listening skills, improving their nonverbal communication skills, they both have an understanding of how to manage stress, and they can keep their emotions in check or express them in a healthy way. Open communication involves honesty and understanding. It isn't just about saying a bunch of stuff, but the quality of what is said, heard, and understood.

3. Working Chemistry! Everyone has this false belief that chemistry is just something that you and the other person will have. I believe that there is natural physical chemistry or attraction, but then just like you have to know and try the formulas in real chemistry, that is the same type of work you have to do in building and maintaining the chemistry in your relationships.

4. Fun! We put too much pressure on ourselves when we are in relationships and we focus too much on "making it work" that we lose focus on having fun. We have to do the work to keep the relationship going, but that doesn't mean it has to be absent of fun. Be spontaneous sometimes! Be creative! Laugh as much as you can with one another! Most of all be PRESENT!

This list could go on and on, but I just wanted to give you something simple and quick to think about!

Here's to strong relationships!

Sex can be very exciting and fun. Sex can also be very awkward and confusing. Sex can sometimes just be downright upsetting or even traumatic. No matter what you think about sex or whatever rules you have concerning it, I believe that everyone has had the desire to have a great sexual experience at least once in their lives.

I truly think that we have squandered such an amazing gift; through over commercializing sex, perverting sex, and taking the fun out of sex through selfish gain or rigid thinking. Whatever the case may be, I want to give you 10 steps on how to possibly have the best sex of your life.

Step 1: Let Go of Guilt and Shame

Letting go of guilt and shame is the first step and probably the most important step to reaching the great sex mark. I am a Christian, so I definitely believe in sex in marriage. I did not always follow this discipline to be very honest and I have held on to a lot of guilt and shame. For a lot of Christians this guilt and shame has spilled over into their marriages and has hindered their ability to fully enjoy and embrace the sexual experience between the two that have now become one. We have to change our mindset about sex and sexuality and not always place it in good vs. bad category. Guilt and shame are weights that should be cast off.

I want to note that I am referring to healthy sexual exploration between two consenting adults; these two adults have agreed to have sex with one another. Now you can decide whether you'll wait until you are married, but I think if the sex being had between two adults, consenting adults, adults that understand and comprehend the consequences in engaging in sex; that they can only fully enjoy it if it is absent of guilt and shame. Guilt and shame prevents us from being able to have healthy communication concerning our sexual needs and desires, and fully embracing the sexual fulfillment of our partner or significant other.

Step 2: Embrace that Sex is a Beautiful Gift

Sex is a gift! There is no other way to describe such a powerful activity that often seems to transcend the natural and spiritual realms simultaneously; the gift that often leaves us wanting more. Our perception of a gift often plays a major role on how we will treat that gift. If you view your gift as something you will treasure and love; you will cherish that gift and you will use that gift to the best of your ability. You will discover new ways to explore your gift, use that gift, and enjoy every aspect of that gift. So let us look at sex as a beautiful gift and treat it as such.

Step 3: Be Open about Your Wants and Needs with Your Partner

If you can reach step one and embrace step two, step three will begin to be a breeze to you. This step right here is why so many people struggle with truly enjoying sex to the fullest extent. Your significant other, spouse, or partner should really be able to talk to you and share openly what they want from and get out of the sexual experience with you. Even if you're not willing to make all of their sexual fantasies come true, they should at least be able to talk to you about them. The other thing that couples should be open about are what they like and dislike in bed without fear.

Step 4: Learn Your Own Body and Desires

I won't go into too much detail about this step, but I will say this. If you hate your own body, the way you look, or you feel so ashamed about sex and even feel ashamed about enjoying the sexual experience; how do you expect someone else to be able to explore your body and desires? I'm not saying that you have to go around sneaking off to touch your "naughty bits" (LOL), but I am saying that you should know what works for you and what doesn't. Study you!

Step 5: Treasure Your Partner's Body and Pleasure

One of the many keys to having an amazing sexual experience with your partner is letting go of being selfish or just using their body as a way to just "get yours." Instead if you treasure your partner's body and attend to their pleasure; just as much as they should attend to your pleasure, things should be great for you both.  Remember how we view something dictates how we will well or unwell we will treat something. How do you treat your partner's body?

Step 6: Be Patient and Kind

You can't possibly believe that someone will embrace the sexual experience fully if they always feel pressured by you?! Pressured to have sex with you, pressured to please you, pressured to try new things, or pressured to climax; how do you expect them to enjoy themselves or even enjoy having sex with you. Patience and Kindness goes a long way even during sex and the time building up to the sexual encounter.

Step 7: Avoid Selfishness

Um this is self-explanatory!

Step 8: Try Something New

I think being open to stepping outside of the norm is the only way you'll fully embrace the sexual experience with your partner. However, I again think that both people have to be comfortable, consent, and have rules that govern trying something new or exploring something new. Trying something new should not invoke feelings of guilt or shame, or make you fear getting arrested. Trying something new should be fun.

Step 9: Discover New Foreplay Ideas 

Foreplay is so very important in the pregame round of having some of the best sex of your life. So try some blindfolding touch play, try body painting, or try a sexy board game that gets you in the mood. Remember on average it takes 7 minutes for a man to reach orgasm and 20 minutes for a woman to reach orgasm. So some foreplay can't hurt. Just know who needs the extra attention and who may a little attention. Don't want things to end early for some or never end for someone else.

Step 10: Have Fun

Sex is supposed to be fun! Not a chore or something to do just because you can do it. It should be fun and exciting. So have fun and enjoy each other, enjoy the guilt and shame free sex, embrace the beautiful gift, be open with your partner; have fun learning about you, treasure your partner, be patient and kind; have fun avoiding selfishness, trying something new, discover new four play ideas together, and enjoy.