Man I almost don't know what to write as I sit down in front of my computer. I took this week off from life period and I've just watched tv, played some video games, and chilled. Something I really haven't been able to do in about five months.
At the same time I've been living inside my mind and honestly my fellow bloggers, it is very dark in there. I'm troubled, but I can't seem to put my finger on what I'm troubled about. Yes I do, I'm just afraid to say it out loud because I sound weak. I'm all about trying to truly become this honest and open person I've always proclaimed to be, so here I go. Just to be clear this blog is for people to read and comment, but for real this is my therapy, and this is the place where I'm not control by social constructs and the societal gender role of a male not being able to show emotions.
My physical life sucks. What I mean by physical life is not sexual, but more of the in the flesh perspective. I really don't have the money to do what I want to do, I can't hang out like I want, my car was totalled, and I pray that after I graduate from school that the things I want in life come to me real fast. I need a peace of mind literally and I know for sure that money doesn't buy you happiness or at least eternal happiness, but I hope it does bring me some peace of mind.
My spiritual life is confused. I can't even begin to explain the turmoil that I'm facing, and a lot of it is what I've caused. I've been so caught up on the things of this earth, I've forgotten about the relationship I have with Christ. I've been in this spiritual depression for years now, and honestly I don't know how to get out of it. I'm miserable and it has nothing to do with God, or Christ, or my Church, but everything to do with me. I want it all and I want it all now. And honestly the problem I'm facing is that I don't want to give up anything in order to gain all the blessings Christ has promised to me. I want to continue to live like I want and also be blessed by God. I know this is not healthy, nor is it a reality, but this is what I'm facing.
Dating life- I don't have one. Mostly I don't have the time, nor the money to cultivate a dating lifestyle as much as I want one. I chose school over making good money and dating. Again a complaint that hopefully will end once school ends. Now if this complaint continues pass then it is all my fault for not having one. Also I can't find a woman on my level... I'll explain in detail on another post, but it has been difficult finding someone who is honest with themselves on whether or not they are attracted to me and everything that is me. They try it out, but for the most part they only see me as a friend, want me to be their male girlfriend LOL, say that I'm a nice guy and they don't want to ruin me (which I appreciate, but at the same time dag good guys need love too, ruin me I can handle it lol), or they change on me once we start dating. I don't know, maybe I need to find a new venue on where I meet women lol, but again as much as people don't want to admit it money makes the world go round. Shoot maybe the source of my problem is that I keep telling people I'm in grad school and they equate that to having no money LMBO. Maybe that is why I don't have a dating life. Maybe I need to shut my mouth about being in school and not really having the time to work as much as I would like too. LOL.
So their is my complaint list that I've finally got out in the open. Sounds kind of stupid when I put it down on paper lol, but it is what it is and I hope that I can get through this. So I can have the will to move on.
Read on readers...
The Will
Joseph is a Licensed Graduate Social Worker in the Washington, DC area. Joseph is the author of the forthcoming book “Love Me Right or Not at All”, A Quick Guide to Loving Yourself and Others the Healthy Way. This book seeks to assist everyone who reads it to love with balance and give love to the right people. Joseph is striving to become an expert in the practice of relationship empowerment. He strives to build healthy, powerful, and well-balanced relationships in the lives of everyone who seeks after the knowledge, values, and skills Joseph has honed over the last ten years. Joseph is an aspiring Marriage and Family Therapist, but to also travel around the nation and hopefully the world, to spread the message that relationships can be simple, yet amazing if you put in the work. Relationships are vital to the human experience and often shape our mindsets, our personalities, and our environments. Knowing this, Joseph works to encourage not only those who believe in his skills, but also works passionately to build his knowledge and skills in the area of relationships to present the best of who he is both personally and professionally.
4 comments:
Hang in there. I know exactly how you feel when it comes to the financial and spiritual side. But as far as the dating side, I will say that it certainly doesnt have to be a rush, especially since you're trying to accomplish a goal that millions of people in this world will never get a chance to do. Bottom line, the money shouldn't matter. God will send the right one your way and she will love you for YOU. When Danny and I first started "dating" he basically didnt have a job. He couldn't take me out or support me like he wanted. But I loved him for him. Some people ARE meant to be friends and the relationship will happen on God's time. Take this extra time though for some self-evaluation and as God what you can do to start preparing for that woman that He has for you.
Again Angela thanks for the encouragement. I hear what you're saying and I know that it is all truth.
As far as the money honestly deep down I know even when I start working and getting money I know I will still say man I need some more money lol.
As far as the one for me honestly I'm not even looking for the "ONE" right now anymore because I want to live on my own for awhile. I know my plans aren't God's plan so if he decides to change it I will follow him, but I do want to date and meet great women and actually get a chance to find and the key word is find the right one. Again thanks for the encouragement and keep on reading and keep on blogging.
I don't feel it's my place to give you advice, just because while reading this post I felt like I was intruding (even though I'm obviously not).
All I can tell you is to be strong in what you already know. & continue asking yourself questions to get the answers as to why you're so depressed, confused & struggling. (I say this because this has always helped me.)
:]
Hey Jwriter,
Wow. I must say I am impressed. People usually say "I'm going through and reading all the archives" I rarely take them seriously.
But wow, you really mean it. I can't believe it! It's really flattering.
In any case to answer one of your questions, I am actually a proud atheist. I know your blog is much different in that respect, but I hope you continue reading! I really appreciate the feedback.
Best,
So@24
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