S0 when will it be my turn?

I just want my turn, but I guess I have to wait.

But how long is the waiting journal???

How long???

I have to keep praying and waiting, but it is getting difficult.

I will wait

I will wait

I will wait.

This was truly random lol, but it wasn't.

So...
Have you've ever liked, had feelings, or loved someone so bad that it felt like you would explode if you didn't tell them or show them how you felt. I mean you sit and you think about them all day. You want them to be happy, you wish for their happiness, and you hope that you make them happy. You do everything you can to be around them, and I'm not talking about that stalker/annoying kind of trying to be around a person, but a genuine desire to want to be around them and spend quality time with them. You have some serious feelings for this person and you would do anything for them if you could. This isn't a joke for you and you hope deep down that they feel the same way too. I mean you're reading this and probably thinking about them RIGHT NOW!!!

But you either feel or know that they don't feel the same way about you. It really pains you that they don't feel the same way about you. I have felt this many times in my life and it is never an easy thing to accept or to realize. They may very well like you, but they don't quite like you the way you like them. It would be ten times easy for them to walk away from what you share then it would ever be for you. I guess the expression "Unrequited Love" doesn't fit for the scenario I'm describing here, but this is so extreme the very expression is very appropriate I feel. And you can't understand why you stay or you try to make their "LUST" for you appear as the love you want them to have for you. Lust can never be love! So back to the question at hand; why do you stay; when you know that at any moment this person can get sick of being with you or sick of you caring for them the way you do.

Why do you continue to torture yourself? Or is it torture? And have you ever asked them why they don't feel the same way or asked them why they stay when they don't feel the same???

Go find the love that will love you the same or maybe they love you the same, but just can't show it!
A broken heart broken into pieces. Dinner only fill the wounds momentarily, leaving traces of broken evidence and lost connections. Being thankful for the times you share, being grateful of togetherness while we can bare it. Love while you can the loved ones who love you. Appreciate family and the things you share. Stop letting the small things and unforgiveness break you from loving; loving your family while they're still there.

Thanksgiving Day, yes the food, the laughter, the football games, the family; an all around exciting time. I myself used to truly be in love with the holidays and the fanfare that came with it. Two years I even did the homemade macaroni and cheese. But for the last five years the holidays have not been my favorite times of the year. It happens like a flash and I can go from my normal laughable self, into this heartbroken man who only wants to be to himself. I've learned to wear an amazingly incredible mask, that bares a smile that keeps the questions at bay, but on the inside lies hurt that goes unspoken and a desire for the days when the holidays our home was filled with family, laughter, and the smell of food that would be eaten for days. (Well the good food is still being cooked). Although healing has begun in us all in some way, shape, or form; the pain of memories are still haunting me every Thanksgiving and Christmas. I wonder how everyone else feels; as they cook alone in the kitchen, sitting at home alone with no dinner or family at all, spending time with others, out of town, or places unknown, or sitting in a room praying that this kind of sadness never is inflicted on anyone else.

Then I realize that someone has lost their mother or their father, but haven't. I realized that some one's child never got a chance to experience the holidays with their parents like I have. I realized that many people are living out on the streets and has lost all connection with their family, so although I'm sad; I still have a reason to be thankful. And every year that's the thing that God has been trying to get me to understand and the fact that I'm still alive; that I know I'm not easily broken. I believe we all have to just learn to be thankful. And I'm thankful for my family present and absent. I'm thankful for the love that I share for my family and the memories I hold so dear.

I pray that as you read this if you're spending time with your family that you're thankful. If you are with your family and maybe you have a grudge with someone your eating dinner with, let it go. Enjoy your family and every precious moment you have with them. Tomorrow is not promised to you or to your family so spend that time with them in love and not in hate. I may never fully recover from the hurt I feel or the cloud of depression that hovers over me during the holidays, but please know that I'm thankful and thankful to God for my life, family, friends, and church family. I'm going to fight hard when I start a family to instill a spirit of thanksgiving and love into them and teach them to value the time we spend together.

Remember to just learn to be thankful on this Thanksgiving Day. Happy Thanksgiving.
So journal you are my 100th post in 2009! I can't believe that I have posted this many post in 2009. Honestly it should have been way more than 100, but I have been busy. I mean I have graduated from school, started working at a job I love, but keeps me very busy, and just all around tired of staring at a computer screen. I just hope that I can get better at writing though. My goal is to write a few books in my lifetime; writing some more plays and possibly getting them on tour, and maybe even following the advice of my really good friend and finish writing the book I started a few months back. I guess it isn't as easy to just write something and you're not really a writer just because you say you are. I don't care how the world defines me, I just know that I like to put my thoughts down on paper, and I hope someone who reads it can get something from it.

So I'm hoping that things work out journal. I can't go into details even with you, but I am truly hoping and praying that the flow and the dance keeps on the right path. I can't help but smile. I know that everything isn't going to be perfect and for the first time in life journal I don't expect them too. It's funny when you stop expecting things to go the way the world makes it seem that things should go, the very things go much better than what you would have expected them to go. I know journal that that made no sense, but we'll understand it better by and by (corny I know).

So there are some very exciting things happening my fellow bloggers and I hope that while your sitting at your computer screen and reading this, that things are going well for you, and that your family is well. I have family and friends who God has blessed me with that really makes this life worth living. I pray to God that everyone you love is safe and protected.

Thanks for reading and commenting.

So...
I was just thinking this morning that for most humans, being in a relationship with someone is very very important to them. I mean I have to admit that even I have been known to have a very strong desire to want to be in a relationship with a beautiful, smart, amazing, sexy, wonderful, encouraging, spontaneous, ambitious, feisty, stubborn, sometimes mean, wonderful smile having, goofy, Christ-filled, independent, my best friend type of woman. Yeah I am guilty of being in the category of relationship/companionship type of person. We put so much energy into maintaining a relationship with someone who will hurt us or let us down in someway, but for some of us we don't put that much energy into the relationship we have with God.

Imagine how much better our lives would be, if we were as devoted to our relationship with God; just like we are devoted to our relationships with one another. I mean and God never fails us or let's us down, so why don't we give Him as much love, devotion, and time as we do our women or your men? I believe that our relationships with our friends, boyfriends, girlfriends, wives, or husbands; would be so much better if we focused on making the best out of our relationship with Christ.

I believe that if we spent more time telling God how much we love Him, our significant other would trust us when we tell them we love them. If we spent quality time with God on purpose, I believe the quality time we spend with the love of our lives would be spectacular. I believe that if we spent more time listening and communicating with Christ, that we would not encounter so many communicating errors with the humans we are giving our hearts to.

I have a feeling that break-ups and divorces would diminish if we just seek a healthy relationship with the one who designed man and woman in the first place. He's the author of relationship, relationships, and even "relations"; so why wouldn't He know a thing or two about having a successful relationship? Why wouldn't He help us overcome heartbreak, relational drama, abuse, fear, guarded hearts, and everything else negative that comes with dating and relationships?

I'm just saying maybe it's time to stop counting on magazines, MTV, Cosmo, and the Internet for your love advice and maybe just have a better relationship with the Almighty.

Relationship Talk huh?
The question: Is a man intimidated by a strong independent woman? The answers are endless, but I believe that it isn’t intimidation; it is role confusion. The role confusion begins in the home. God designed the home (home meaning family) to have a man and a woman. God designed it this way so that there would be a balance. The children learn or model behaviors from both parents. The son learns from the father how to be a provider, how to love a woman, how to give, how to protect, how to use his hands to work for his family. The son learns from the mother how to accept a woman’s love, how to endure through hard times, and how to accept his role as a man in the life of a woman and family. The daughter learns from the father how a man should treat a woman, how to accept a man providing for her without feeling like she’s being controlled, how to protect herself from what this world is going to bring to her way. The daughter learns from the mother how to nurture her family, how to love a man, how to make a man feel needed, how to be independent, but not superior or not make a man feel inferior to her; and how to hold the family together when hard times come.

So when God’s design for balance in the home is missing, then we find ourselves at this question.

I can go on and on, about where the root of the problem lies, but to begin to fix the problem we have to learn how to communicate effectively. It is a myth that women know how to communicate and men don’t. There are men and women, who are great communicators, and there are men and women who need to learn how to communicate.

There must be a balance to everything and I'm all for women being independent and successful, shoot for me that’s attractive. My problem comes when you hold stuff over people's head or make a person feel inferior. Ladies don't become empowered and then turn around and take power from the men you are dating. If you can't be a loving, caring, woman who is successful, but can still uplift your man; then you really don't need to be dating and should stay single.
All I want to do is see you both smile. I want to romance you both, communicate with you both, like you both, love you both, be in love with you both, and hold you both. I want to make you both happy, to please you both, to serve you both, to honor you both, to cherish you both, to adore both of you, to praise you, and to seek the happiness of both of you. I want to treasure you both and to truly have you feel the same way I feel for both of you.

I fall short all the time and I hurt you both. I make you both angry, I seek the forgiveness of you both, I fall short of both of your expectations. I hurt because I hurt you both. I want both, but I can't have both the way I have been going about trying to be with the both of you. One has to become my first and if I make the first my priority the second one will be provided for. Everything will fall into place and things will be better.

I'm torn between you both.

Torn heart, torn pages, torn feelings, torn between the two.

Torn.

I don't want to be, but I want you both. I need you both.

Torn
Sometimes you just need a timeout right? Is it possible in a relationship to need a break? I don't know the meaning of this and honestly never understood the notion. I do understand that people may need some space, but a break is something I don't get. Is taking a "break" a trail separation? Do you both say hey let's see what it would be like to break up and after a while if it is too hard to be apart we can get back together, but if the freedom is good we can still get back together; with the intention to one day breakup for real. I can't say that this is something that sounds interesting to me or something I do, but it is something that comes up in dating, it is something that can cause dating PTSD, full of painful flashbacks and re-experiencing the "break", and so I needed to blog about it.

I guess the most important step is to always be honest and upfront about what you're feeling. You have to be honest about your expectations, your desires, your goals, and your concerns. Even if you feel that it will hurt the person you're dating, you should really work on communicating what you're feeling. The person you are dating is not a mind reader and so you have to tell them when you're feeling overwhelmed or feeling like you need a break. The second thing I would say is to become a good listener if you're not one already. You have to listen and not just waiting to build your argument or state your case without ever listening.

Finally you have to understand that you can't play around with people's heart or emotions. If you know you're not serious about the relationship or you know that you are not intending to go far with the person you're dating, don't take breaks as an excuse to escape facing reality or being upfront with the person. Don't take breaks to try and punish the person you're dating to do what you want them to do, or to teach them a lesson. If you honestly need a break state why, come to an agreement with the person you're dating, especially if you want to get back together. Ask for space rather than saying taking a break and detail what taking a break means.

Dating PTSD we can overcome it...
Alone a word that causes you to feel alone just by saying it, writing it, spelling it, you feel so alone. I love alone, I like alone, I breathe alone, I smile alone, I do relationship alone, I fight alone, I cry alone, I smile alone, I endure alone, I suffer alone, I hurt alone, I dance alone, I taste alone, I sacrifice alone, and I know alone. I know that I'm not alone. I know that I have someone who is with me and I'm never alone. My struggle is not alone and I do not struggle alone, but yet alone is where I stand. Human connection, love connection, dating connection, financial connection, phone connection, connection connection alone. Alone is where I want to be. Alone is what I want to avoid. Alone a void alone avoid. Alone seems so comforting and yet the discomfort being along brings makes me uncomfortable.

I want to know that I'm not in this alone, but alone is what it looks like. I think and I smile. I'm angry and yet I think. I talk, eat, sleep, breathe, think, move, shake, dance, jump, run, hope, skip and feel, but here it is the verdict is I feel like I'm in this alone. Alone and loving it, no alone and not feeling it. To wake angry or to wake alone? To alone to alone too alone two alone. The two of you alone the alone you is too alone. Alone and alone never alone always alone.

Some say lonely is where you could be, but you are never alone. Is it better to be lonely than to be alone? Alone and your right there! Alone and you seek to be all on your own. To be alone is your desire, but saying I want to be. To be with is to exist and to be alone is to be nonexistent?

Alone or just wrongfully lonely???

Alone...
So it has been so long since I have blogged. I'm surprised blogger world that they haven't deleted my blog and made room for someone else. I honestly can say that I have been truly busy, but honestly not doing anything. I mean just working and trying to improve as an employee, but that has been my only goal. I have so much to blog about and so much to get done, but honestly I don't want to be on a computer, I don't want to write, I don't want to type, think, or post. So why am I doing it now? I don't have a clue why. I just felt like I needed to really journal though. It has been a long time since I felt the need to really write randomly to relieve the stress I feel. I'm so hurt and confused; hurting is an understatement and the funny thing is the bulk of this hurt is caused by the things I have brought on myself.

I have turned away from God and lost my way. Yeah I've been going to church and I've been helping others, but my relationship; the approach, the romance, and the relationship with God has been so absence, He could truly say that he has been in this relationship all by Himself. I love God blogger family and I believe with all my heart that Jesus Christ died for my sins, but I have been so distant from God that He must be singing Jill Scott's "I'm Lonely Whenever Your Around" and wishing that I would just spend some time talking to Him. I want to spend time with you God, but I can't find the motivation. I have to keep telling myself that I know I love God, but I'm so lazy. That's the root of the entire problem; no blogging, no prayer, no reading the Word, no Studying the Word, no taking the time out to fall in love with Christ; simply because I'm lazy.

My heart is betraying me and it doesn't care. Doesn't it understand that I have to protect myself. Doesn't it understand that although my exterior is tough and confident, it is still mended only by the scotch tape of denial and inwardly repressed anger. But it laughs at my attempts to ignore what I'm feeling what I'm feeling and deep down I'm loving it. I just wish the heart was logical and protected itself just a little better. I guess the heart wants what the heart wants.

So even after just a little bit of journal writingI'm feeling a little bit better. I know that I need to start being more consistent with prayer and spending time with God. I know I need to spread the word of God to everyone out there. And I know that I have to get jwriter together.

So...