Everyone who has been in a relationship and it ended has faced some hurt. It is very important that we learn to recognize when we are hurt, how we were hurt, what we must learn from the hurt, and when to let the hurt go. A site called cancersurviors.org discusses letting go from a grief and loss perspective, but one particular point I want to look at is this, "It’s important to understand where these feelings come from and realize that there is nothing we can do to change the past. And, there is nothing we can do to change others either. What we can do is to change ourselves and the way we think about our past, others in our life, and our futures," This is truly important when you are making the decision to get into a new relationship, that you have dealt with any unresolved issues from your past relationships. You should not start a new relationship with someone else if you have not let go of the hurt from your previous relationship. If you still have unresolved issues from someone in your past or your ex, if you are still broken or hurt from what someone else did to you, then you need to deal with it before moving on to the next one.

If you have already entered into a new relationship and haven't let go or you think you have let go; hopefully you have realized that the new person you are with can't pay for the hurt your ex has caused you. It is also very unwise for you to look at this new relationship the same as your old one. If you approach your new relationship the same way you approached your old one, then more and likely you're going to get the same results and that's hurt. You also shouldn't get into another relationship if you are planning to hurt the new person in your life the same way you were hurt by your ex. It isn't fair to your new relationship or the person you are now with if you are planning on being completely closed off, if you're not willing to give them a chance to care for your heart, and if you're unwilling to give them the same care/love/time that they are giving to you, because you feel that they will hurt you the same way the last one hurt you. If you haven't dealt with the issues and the hurt, you will be forever guarded and forever the person who hurts others.

Finally you have to learn to seek God before entering into something new. Well actually I have it backwards; you should seek God and ask for his help before doing the first two steps. You must give it to Him and let Him help you make a plan on what your next step should be concerning dating/relationships. Some of us keep getting into poisonous, hurtful, abusive, and dangerous relationships because we don't seek God. We seek the opinions of everyone else, but we don't seek God's permission, promise, purpose, or plan. It is no wonder that you haven't healed from your past hurt and why you are beginning a new cycle of hurt. Seek God first and let Him heal you. Don't depend on just time to heal you, because time only passes and makes the hurt turn into bitterness. Instead ask God to heal you, change your focus from your hurt to your healing, and let go.

Quick List:

Acknowledge the hurt and acknowledge that you have to let it go.
Go the process of letting go before getting into a new relationship.
Don't start a new relationship without letting go of a past one.
Never make someone pay for the mistakes of others.
Learn from your heart and run away from the same patterns that put your heart in harms way.
Protect your heart, but don't close yourself so tightly that you can't let real love and care in.
Seek God for healing and don't waste time thinking that time will just heal you.

Dating PTSD we can overcome it...

He wishes that you only knew how he truly felt,
Yet your door is continually closed to him.
He thirsts for you, but you give him no drink.
He hungers for your happiness, but you feed him none.
Woman he seeks to know you on a level no man has reached,
To behold your beauty in ways no other man has seen.
But Woman you close you heart to his feelings and you
Destroy his compliments as venom from the viper.
Have you no compassion? Do you not know how to love?
Do you not care? Are you not beautiful? Are you not worthy to
Love a Man? Woman you don't realize that with your hurt heart
and broken spirit, that you push him to the side. You protect yourself
And won't let him in, but you guard yourself, block him out, and chip away
A portion of his heart towards you. His heart is broken, but yet he glues it for you.
His heart is torn, and yet he mends it for you. Woman man desires to make you happy,
And yet he fails. He wants to make you a queen and yet you shut him out.
Closed mind and hurtful words only break him down and corrupt him.
Don't chip away at his heart slowly. Don't break him and woman don't tear his heart
Apart.

How many of us men have said that we want a good woman? How many women have said that they want a good man? I know that I have said this 100 times and I also know that I have let go, bypassed, or messed over good women. I also know that I have been messed over many times as well. I began thinking about the whole notion of what a good man or what a good woman looks like, acts like, feel likes, and I began to wonder if it is a natural occurrence or if it is just a set of standards and expectations men and women set for the people they want to date. In other words I wonder if there are just good men and women out there to date, be in relationships with, or love; or if we have these expectations we place on people and if they reach them, then and only then can they be "labeled" a good man or woman.

Do we have the wisdom and knowledge to place judgment on whether a person is a "good" person or not? Do we have the emotional fortitude to determine that we have obtained a good woman or a good man? Do we have the ability to care for, love, respect, and appreciate a good woman or man once we obtained them? Here are my thoughts:

First we have to understand that only God gives us a good thing. So if you're out there dating randomly, having friends with benefits, manipulating your way to get your "good" man or woman, or if you trying to "make" someone your "good" thing, than you are setting yourself up for failure. If you want your good gift then I believe you have to seek God first. The Bible says in James 1:17 that Every good gift and every perfect gift is from above, and cometh down from the Father of lights, with whom is no variableness, neither shadow of turning." So if you haven't sought God first and you're determined to do it your own way, you are either not going to have a good thing or you're going to corrupt or destroy what very well could have been your "good gift."

Secondly you have to understand that you won't receive "good" if you don't deposit any good. Here's what I mean, how can we expect to receive a good man or woman, if we are not putting out anything good. You want someone with a positive attitude, but your attitude is nasty. You want someone to please you in every way, but you are selfish. You want someone to respect you, but you don't respect anyone. You want someone to not control you, but you control others. You want someone to be honest with you and yet you lie. You want someone to save their body for you, but you give yours away like a leaky faucet. You get what I'm saying right? The Bible says in Galatians 6:7- "Be not deceived; God is not mocked: for whatsoever a man soweth, that shall he also reap." So if you sow destruction, you will reap destruction. If you so goodness, you will reap goodness.

Finally if you want a good man or a good woman, you have to prepare yourself for them to come into your life. I'm especially talking to my single brothers and sisters who want to be married. We have to really walk in the role that God has laid out for us. If you are a Christian man or woman than your first role as a single is to SERVE GOD WITH EVERYTHING YOU HAVE. If you are not doing that then you are not ready for your good thing. Men we have to be in a position to honor and cherish our good thing. We have to have a JOB and we have to be ON OUR OWN. Men we have to learn to be a provider and a protector. We have to learn how to love and be understanding. We have to learn how to lead and to rule, without breeding contempt. Women you have to be in a position of waiting. To wait is not to sit around and do nothing, but you have to be working for the Lord, building up your family, preparing yourself to be a nurturer, understanding the power of kindness, have understanding, compassion, and be what I have termed as being a "a ride or die chick." People the only way you can get your good man or good woman is to be in ORDER! And believe me this is not just a message to you, this is a message to me as well.

Dating PTSD we can overcome it...

So journal this has been a crazy beginning to the New Year, but I'm realizing that a lot of it has been the consequences of my actions. I want to be hurt and I want to be sad, but I can't bring myself to do so. I deserve every hardship that comes my way, because I continually turn my back on God. I ignore Him, I mistreat Him, and I turn my back on Him. He warns me of danger, but I'm one of those people who wants things to go his way, no matter what the consequences are. I wanted so much to be different this year, but I also prayed that God would reveal and remove the things in my life that wasn't good for me. I also needed to really do the hard thing in life and begin to change. I have spent my whole life trying to mask a hidden life of complete sadness, hurt, and anger in the form of goofiness, loud laughter, and aggressive speech/thoughts. Honestly though journal it has done nothing but put the sadness in a small corner and made people not really take me seriously. I don't know if people have ever experienced not being taken seriously, but it is a very difficult thing, especially when the people you care about don't take you serious. I feel like such a failure and that I have given up so much of my life for people who don't care, but I gradually give God my life with restrictions.

I just want the thoughts to quiet and I want peace. I truly want to begin to trust God and to serve Him with all I have. I am so tired of being sad, disappointed, and let down. But journal I wish I could explain how much I needed to feel loved and appreciated. How much I want to have a family of my own. I wish I could explain how much I want to be in love and to have someone be just as equally in love with me. Journal I just need you to understand I have been willing to be mistreated and broken in order to have what I see other people have. I have realized that I have lost my mind though. I have realized that I have to move away from all of that and I have to begin to rebuild my life and my relationship with God.

So I am determined to change and I am determined to be a better man. I am determined to be a Godly man who lives holy.

So...

Now in this New Year I need you to go back and read all my post on Dating PTSD. You can read them on joe4christ.blogspot.com. In the meantime I need to speak to this spreading disease called OBSESSION!!! Listen I understand when you are dating someone or in a relationship, you can become deeply infatuated with a person, fall in love with them, they rock your world and all that, but you can’t let the person consume you, your life, and you especially can’t consume them. There has to be a balance in everything that we do in life, but especially when it concerns relationships. We set ourselves up for failure when we make the person we are dating the driving force in our lives. When we become obsessed with a person, we set ourselves up to be devastated when they are no longer in our lives. Obsession is a no no people and I need us to truly understand that when we get to this point, it is time for us to back up, reevaluate, and slow down.

The first thing you have to know when you’re obsessed is that you won’t see it!!! Come on I know we all know the difference of being infatuated or always thinking about the person and obsession. Obsession happens when you can’t function unless you are with the person, you know what they are doing at all times, you call them over a thousand times and you know each time they didn’t answer, none of your conversations are without them being in them, you will just about kill yourself physically, spiritually, and emotionally if you are not wrapped up in their world. You are also obsessed if you find yourself knowing more about the person’s life than they do. You are stalking them on their phone, on facebook, myspace, and email. You are unable to trust them or to focus on trusting your relationship because you are so obsessed with them that you’re afraid of losing them. You know you are obsessed when you can’t allow the person to have any kind of space. Space is important to a healthy relationship (Pause) Not the space where it gives people an excuse to find someone else or to play around, but space that allows them to be to themselves with no strings attached. (Play) Obsession is not fun for you or the one you are with. No one wants to be smothered and no one wants to feel lonely while with someone, so there has to be a balance.

You have to understand where your obsessive tendencies stem from. Whether it is failed past relationships or abandonment issues, you have to get to a point of healing, and you have to begin to heal yourself. Listen if you don’t overcome this form of Dating PTSD you will find yourself alone. I believe everyone wants attention and everyone wants to be loved, but no one wants to be consumed. Well let me speak for me. I want to be loved, cared for, appreciated, and I want to do the same for the woman for me, but I never want someone to smother me or not give me some breathing room. And yes I want someone dedicated to me and devoted, but I don’t want someone who puts me on a pedestal and when I fail them in someway, they are destroyed. Please don’t continue to make a person your world or put people on a pedestal. Humans will fail you, but God will never fail you.

Dating PTSD….You can overcome it.

So here we are in the New Year and journal I'm still doing the same thing I did in 2009. I truly want 2010 to be a different year and I don't want to be so consumed by my flesh and fleshly desires. I fell hard in 2009 and I'm still trying to recover. The one thing I do know is that I don't want to hide behind a wall of shame this year and I don't want to be away from God anymore. It is a hard thing to be honest with what you are and come to the realization that you can't do a darn thing to change it, except to give your life and will completely over to God. I have been fighting it though, because I've been to punk like to let God take full control and to trust Him to do what is best for me. I have been so consumed with not being what everyone thinks I am or thinks I will become, that I lost focused on what God wants for me. I also realized that I'm greedy and very selfish. I can't believe that I was hiding behind my salvation and living my life like I didn't know God at all. It is hard to believe I know, wait no it isn't, because I never make myself out to be perfect. I'm not perfect and I am no where near it, but I was telling my friend tonight that my heart wants to follow God, my body on the other hand wants pleasure, wants selfishness, laziness, and to be loved; my mind well most times I don't know where my mind is. I hope that I can do things differently in 2010. I have to do things differently in 2010 or I will die.

So... I took a shower as soon as I got home from work and it wasn't as hot as I would have liked it to be. I was bathing in the lukewarm water and was just thinking about my life right now. Besides the breakdown of my spiritual life, I'm happy with how things are going, and I hope they get better. I mean let me tell you that I'm not proud that I'm not living my life fully for God (you can't be lukewarm), but I am grateful for his tender mercies and the fact that I wake up and have a chance to try again. I just hope that I get to keep who has slowly become apart of my heart!

So let stop writing before I bare my soul completely on this blog post. I have to save some for next time.

So...

Can you really turn a hoe into a housewife? Well to be fair let's make this statement apply to both male and female--Can you really turn a hoe into a lifelong companion? The answer is no, unless the person in question wants to change their life and change their ways, then it maybe possible for the person to become a lifelong companion. To be clear though, you can't turn a person who is unwilling to change who they are into something new. (The keyword in that sentence is YOU). We have to stop assuming God's role and try to change people ourselves. God is the only one who can change people and it is only after they ALLOW Him to change them.

I also really just put hoe in the sentence to catch your eyes and get you to read this, but at the same time and for some people, hoe is the appropriate word. I'm really speaking to my single brother's and sister's who are dating, shacking, co-habitating, or are in some type of serious relationship, but you both are talking about marriage. I'm talking to those individuals who know they are not ready for marriage, they feel pressured into being married, or they want to be married because it "sounds good." So if you feel any of these things and/or you also happen to be prone to wanting to have sex with more than one person for the rest of your life, you should probably not get married or approaching the subject of marriage at all. I mean if you have the normal marriage jitters; OK fine I'm not talking to you, but if you know you still want to party recklessly, you don't have time for commitment, or if marriage is just an excuse to cover up your "player" ways, you may not want to take the vows or make so serious of a commitment.

Marriage wasn't designed to END!!! This is not my opinion, but it was God's original design for marriage. He even went so far to say in Mark 10:6-12-- "But from the beginning of the creation God made them male and female. For this cause shall a man leave his father and mother, and cleave to his wife; And they twain shall be one flesh: so then they are no more twain, but one flesh. What therefore God hath joined together, let not man put asunder. And in the house his disciples asked him again of the same matter. And he saith unto them, Whosoever shall put away his wife, and marry another, committeth adultery against her. And if a woman shall put away her husband, and be married to another, she committeth adultery." So if God said it, then it isn't just my opinion. Now my opinion is that marriage shouldn't be entered into if divorce is an option for you. I also feel you shouldn't enter into marriage if you're not willing to respect your husband or your wife. You shouldn't get married if you are selfish and you enjoy being selfish. If you want to sleep with other people, flirt endlessly, and live your life like the serial bed breaker or make claims for mattress insurance; you maybe shouldn't get married. I can go on and on, but the truth of the matter is, no one should be coerced into marriage, forced into marriage, should marry for fame or fortune; say no to marriage if you're not sure you want the person for a lifetime or could be committed to them forever, say no to marriage if you want to come and go as you please, say no to marriage if you know their is no real love between the two of you (I know some people will argue feelings will come, but you know the difference between being in love with someone and just tolerating them so you won't be alone. If you feel this way don't get married please), say no to marriage if you just want to be married because all the people around you are married, say no to marriage if you can't commit to God and your future spouse.

So whether you want to be a doorknob for the rest of your life, or you want to be forever a bachelor, or maybe you realize that the one you're with isn't the one you want to be with; I just need you to realize that YOU SHOULDN'T GET MARRIED. I mean you will be saving the world from another broken marriage, unhappy spouse, or divorced destroyed children. It is OK to say no if you know you don't want to commit yourself mind, body, and soul. Don't get caught in the hype, be honest, and don't get married if you still want to be a HOE.

1 Corinthians 7:33- "But he that is married careth for the things that are of the world, how he may please his wife."

Marriage Talks

Marriage is a gift from God and a gift of lifelong companionship, friendship, and love between a man and a woman. Marriage is holy and as my Pastor says, "Marriage is still right." I'm single (no secret there), but I'm a firm believer in the sacredness, holiness, and sanctity of marriage. I'm single, but I respect marriage, I advocate for marriage, and I encourage those who are married and "respect" their marriages. I think that if every single person respected marriage and every married person respected their own marriage, marriages would last longer and more people would be getting married under God's plan for marriage.

I say all this to say that I'm writing about marriage simply from a objective point-of-view, seeing as I'm not married, but I do have a strong desire to build marriages, and hopefully in the future I will be working as a marriage & family therapist. Anyway I have some good ideas I want to share and hopefully all of you out there will enjoy it.