Dear Journal,

So I'm truly just in an incredible place of sadness and confusion. It is unbelievable where I am right now and that the second that I feel like I am making progress I find myself going twelve steps back. I appreciate that God is (or I hope that He is) exposing me to my Ugly Truth- showing me the things that I need to change and get rid of and these things are so hard for me to see. It hurts to see myself so EXPOSED! I feel so vulnerable and I don't like what I see.

My biggest reaction is to completely shut off because I want to be seen in a certain light and it KILLS me when I learn that people view me differently. I can't move or shake the feeling of wanting to run away. It kills me to know that my actions have in fact caused someone to be irreversibly hurt and even HATE me. That kills me and although I subconsciously "accept" that my apology won't fix it, but it kills me consciously and in my heart; to my very core. It hurts even more when I have to see that person every day.

I'm in a bad place and I don't know how to get out of it journal.

So...

Kubler-Ross describes the stages of grief and loss as: Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, Acceptance. These stages appear to be linear, but I also believe that people can pass back and forth between these stages. I also believe that people can become stagnate in one of these stages before moving forward or going backwards. The hardest stage however to reach or to remain within to me is ACCEPTANCE.

The hardest thing for me to do is to move towards acceptance; especially if I believe that my character or my integrity is being "attacked." I struggle with being told something I didn't want to hear about myself and I experience an introspective loss so to speak and I have to go through these stages of grief. I often times get stuck in a place of anger and express it very defensively.

It is so hard for me to reach acceptance because of the pain I have to endure introspectively to get to a place of acceptance that I need to change something of me.

A lot of times I struggle accepting that I need to change because of the battle I have fought to destroy my insecurities for many years and to build up the idea that this is me and you have to accept it. Don't get me wrong; I don't fight change and I accept that I need to change, but it is the process of changing who I believe I am is what it hard.

I know that you need to change and that without change you don't grow, but does the process have to be so difficult?

Accepting the difficult process that comes with change will be the most difficult thing to accept.

No one told me that relationships were truly a lot of work. I don't mean just the "commercialized" or "romanticized" versions of the work that comes with relationships, but the truly down and dirty work that comes with two people coming together and trying to make a relationship work.

Day in and day out I find myself successfully content, but morbidly depressed that there is more work to being in a relationship than just a few romantic dates, sending flowers, remembering birthdays, and being a great kisser. I feel like I have been duped and bamboozled by the painful realization that relationships actually seem to take energy mind, body, and soul; this is critically draining and it feels as if at times I don't have the fortitude to endure what is required of me.

Performance pressure?

Performance anxiety?

Those are definitely no longer terms just associated with men being unable to get an erection or prevent premature ejaculation. I'm not saying that I want to give up on being in a relationship or being in love, but I definitely will say that I need to find a happy medium and unfortunately I'm trying to stay away from the booze.

Maybe this should have been a Dating PTSD post, but then again I'm just talking.

I thank God for my friends. I don't think my friends realize the magnitude of their hospitality or their subtle kindness. They may think that it is just watching tv or some shows, but it is so much more. I don't think I thank God enough for my friends. I just thank Him because they have been really great to me and I just get a piece of mind. And God only knows how much I need a peace of mind.

I thank You LORD for how wonderful you are to me.

Thank You Lord for my friends.

Cheating is never an easy thing to deal with and being in a relationship is already difficult; learning a person, staying motivated to be romantic and caring; sharing families, building dreams together, and bad breath; all of these things make a relationship tough. Out of no where you add cheating to the equation and you have Armageddon.

The thing that angers me the most about cheaters are their excuses:

"I didn't mean too,"

"I love you but you haven't been there for me,"

"It was an accident,"

"Life has just been hard and they were there for me,"

All of these are just the stupidest things you can hear, but I'm not here to talk about the excuses or the cheaters; it is time to talk about how to overcome.

Quick list to deal with or overcome being cheated on:

1. Don't blame yourself.

2. Refrain from trying to rationalize the cheating.

3. Wait until you're ready to hear the truth before asking the offender what happened.

4. Please don't think getting revenge will help you get over the hurt of being cheated on.

5. If you're going to forgive please forgive and don't keep bringing it back up.

6. If you know you'll be unable to forgive please don't hold on to the relationship.

7. Avoid trying to confront the cheaters in anger but confront them when you're able to handle it adult like and openly express your feelings.

8. Take some time to heal, even if you decide to stay don't put on a front, don't put on face, don't be in denial, take some time to heal.

9. Go back to loving you and understanding how you can be a better person and how you can move forward.

10. Pray and truly ask God to help you heal and learn to trust again.

I know that it may take a lot more than these steps to truly heal and be free from the pain of cheating, but don't let it stop you from living or turn you into something you're not.

Dating PTSD we can overcome it...

I'm going to be writing a lot on acceptance soon, but I wanted to touch on a little of what I talked about in my post on cheating. Like I stated we know that the person is a cheater or going to hurt us, but we choose not to accept it. We only come to terms with the reality of the situation AFTER reality HITS us hard. We have to start looking at acceptance in its face and running when it says to run.

I don't know if I'm making much sense because I've just really encountered acceptance in a whole new light. We think accepting people for who they are gives the green light for them to treat us any kind of way. And people who expect or DEMAND to be accepted for who they are thinks that they have the right to screw people over. We have to do better people. Snapped is a real show and women are not the only ones SNAPPING.

Accept the fact that we have to do better.

jspotwriter

I actually tweeted "I had the best night of my life and sex was not involved." That tells you one of two things, either I've had a large reduction in the hormone testosterone hence now I'm an emasculated eunuch, or I've just been so caught up in sin the one night where I don't find myself in trouble and full of guilt and shame I have to equate to how amazing sex is!?!?!

I'm hopelessly lost or just need to truly go to bed. Listen I'm trying to get back on the right path and leave the horizontal mamba alone; until I can find a wife, marry her, and have what I like to call the "guilt free." That's sex with no guilt and shame after you've had the most amazing Orga...wait there may be young people reading this and I did put in the blog address “4christ” (smh). Forgive me, but I am being honest and to one day be MARRIED and have MIND BLOWING MARITAL SEX and NO GUILT is definitely my dream come true (no pun intended). I tell you this it would have been a great close to one enjoyable night though! Ah the simple things in life.

jspotwriter
follow me on twitter @jspotwriter

I have to become a better Christian. I'm not a conventional Christian and when it comes to standards of Christian Living I definitely may need to take Christianity 101 again. I hate to give myself labels, but I'm not what you call someone who has been giving this the one two fight!
Don't get me wrong or rather don't mistake me as a self-loathing backsliding Christian; think of me rather as a realist at heart and someone who at times truly strives for what is right, but gets weary in well doing. I have a new outlook on my faith and my DUTIES as a Christian. It has more to do with LOVE and HELPING others than it did when I was title hungry and attention grabbing. I really want to be Christ-like and not church like. I want to feed the hungry, clothe the naked, visit the sick, love my neighbor, forgive, have mercy on people, love my enemies, turn the other cheek, Spread the Gospel, Preach the Gospel, and live right. I want to give God praise and SHOUT to the highest mountain how Great HE is.

I just want to be a human about it this time and not some pretentious robot stuck on how much I gave to the church and spending empty time inside church walls, getting the Word and not doing anything with it.

I want my desires to be for Christ and not for the falsehood that somehow keeping busy will save me from my sins. Christ is the only one who can save you and I've learned if you're not doing anything with your faith and beliefs you're just wasting valuable time.

jspotwriter

I'm not a writer and I laugh when I tell myself I am. I am good with words and I can be creative at times, but I don't think I'm a writer. I want to be though. I want to be good at it too. This world has got to browse my blog, pick up my books, read my letters, and believe in me; this is something that I can't let go of. I'm a liar and like I said every now and then I get good at slightly manipulating people that I can be nothing short of amazing. (I’m just kidding people I’m not a 100 percent liar and I hate manipulation.)

The truth is I'm just tired of people making judgments of me. Taking me as their own person joke; they HATE themselves, but instead of HATING themselves they misdirect it towards me. People you have got to stop this misguided and inappropriate hatred for yourselves. And please stop directing that self-loathing towards me. We are our own worst enemies, but you all take DISPLACEMENT to a whole other level.

All I'm asking is that you let up a little bit and be supportive of me. Tell your friends that there is someone out there just trying to be a writer and trying even harder to become a great one. Give me a chance people. Communicate with me and stop with the displacement OK?! Instead show me some love even if it is just sending me a prayer or a well wish now and then.
It wouldn't hurt to follow me or telling your friends to do the same.
Thanks,

jspotwriter

You knew yes you always knew they were a cheater. Hell every single one of us knew that they would cheat on us or better yet they would break our heart. What, did we forget that human beings have the propensity and the audacity to treat one another like the scum of the earth? I'm not angry or bitter; I'm presenting another point of view so to speak or if you will. We knew they would hurt us, but we chose to stay because of some sick, moral, and idealistic viewpoint that we could save them, we could change them, and that with enough love and support we could make them love us.

Clearly we were wrong. Like I said we knew from the start, but it is some unconscious motivation that attracts us to things that hurt. I have no idea why or maybe I just don't want to be caught in a void less black hole of self-pity. So I say we take the bullet and we pick up the pieces of our fragile hearts and say yes I knew what you were; I knew what you were and I took the risk to love you. At the end of the day I knew what you were capable of and I convinced myself that I could be the one to stop you in your tracks. I was the game changer and you were going to turn in your card.

No even though we knew they still made a choice. Free will extends to your pants my friends or skirts, or whatever the hell you were wearing the day you decided to cheat. Maybe you didn't cheat, but you held on to me until you were finished; my heart still broke either way.

We knew and we loved it.

jspotwriter

Cast your cares upon me because I care for you! Thank you Lord Jesus for caring for me!

Trying not to become addicted to the grief but I find myself nearly inconsolable! Then I think of Jesus and His promise!

Lord God in our darkest hour we must give you praise!

Trying to blink and look past the blindness tears form in my eyes! I wonder if I cried enough tears that would be payment enough to bring you back to me!

Rest in Peace my Grandmother and now Rest in Peace my Godmother! Both of you have been such vital forces in my life and have blessed me!

You never miss a good thing until it is gone! You never knew how much you loved someone until they don't love you anymore!

You never know how precious a life is until it is gone! You never know how fragile a heart is until it is broken! You never know what you have til it is gone!