in the middle of a movie I broke out into tears. what grown man do you know just cries in the movies. the darkness was comfortable, the movie was good, but I was so overwhelmed with everything; tired from a stressful work week, light in the car blew out again, feeling miserable about my failed relationship once again; all this and I let loose in the middle of the movie. My friend who was sitting next to me was sleep, also exhausted from work, she didn't see the painful tears burning my face with each streak. I cried for my pain to stay within me, to comfort me in a sense. I didn't want to cry, but rather hold on to the pain to provide numbness that this wasn't real. i don't want this. i don't want to be sad all over again and yet here i am. how many times must you move on?

then after this emotional breakdown, someone has the nerve to ask me when will i ever get married. I didn't have an answer, except maybe never. relationships don't work for me; at least not the traditional ones i've tried to mimic.

i smiled as she told me i was attractive, but i've learned that maybe it might not be for me to be married.

i don't want any of this.

all i wanted was you.

I love you and God how I wish that was enough! I wish that my love could move you, could make you stay, could make you love me back no matter what. A fairytale huh? Love is just a word, but is it action? Does it require sacrifice? I will give you everything if you just stay and love me.

I love you and God how I wish that it was enough for you to stay.

Psalm 9: 1-2, “I will praise you, O LORD, with all my heart; I will tell of all your wonders. I will be glad and rejoice in you; I will sing praise to your name, O Most High.”

It has been a long time Lord that I’ve actually been lost in your Glory. God you are so very amazing and I don’t think I even grasp the magnitude of how amazing it is to actually be invited to worship in your presence. I don’t think my corrupted finite mind can even fathom how astounding it is to be able to speak your infinite Name to give you glory. It is almost unattainable to think that this corruptible body is meant to give you praise.

Lord I want to get lost in your Glory. I want to get so lost in praising you that I forget that everyone else even exists for the moment that I’m praising you. This existence can’t compare to the praise and worship that I owe you, so I know I have to praise you beyond the place of worship; I have to get lost in your Glory.

Lord cut out all the distraction; TV, work, life, love, being in love, broken heart, emotions; religious, mundane, worship services done out of requirement; Lord cut the distractions and help me get lost in your glory. Lord forgive me of my sins so that I may enter the Holy of Holies, Lord through the blood of Jesus Christ, hide my transgressions with His blood so I may worship You. I want to worship you.
Help me to know what it truly means to worship you in spirit and in truth.

Do you want to get lost in His Glory?

From Alfred Lord Tennyson's poem In Memoriam:27, 1850:

I hold it true, whate'er befall;
I feel it, when I sorrow most;
'Tis better to have loved and lost
Than never to have loved at all.

The poem above is really neat and kind of catchy, but I have to say that I strongly disagree with this statement. You’re not talking to someone who hasn’t experienced this perpetual quagmire; I’m the actual embodiment of this statement, but I don’t know if I think it is better to have loved and lost. I mean I guess having your heart ripped out into a thousand pieces, investing time, fights, arguments, date planning, stressing about looks, changing who you are, all in the name of love; yeah

I guess having these experiences are so much better than not loving at all. Well I’ve sorrowed most my dear Lord Tennyson; even now my heart is a moment away from exploding from the incredulous attitude love displays towards me. A woman who can fully love me and honestly love me is almost laughable. To be perfectly honest I sometimes struggle with the fact that my own mother and sister fully love me. I never knew it to be possible to be loved by a woman; not the way that I love them. I’m not saying that my mother or my sister don’t love me, but sometimes I feel that I love all by myself and when it comes to being romantically in love with a woman; laughable, yeah I’m in love, but clearly she’s in love with the moment rather than the man.

So why in the hell do I keep going back? Why do I keep yielding to love? Why do I fall in love over and over again to continue to be disappointed? It has happened all my life. And for the people that always come out their face and say well I’ve never seen you with a girlfriend; I’m here to tell you one, to mind your business and stay out my personal life, two; I would bring them around, but they don’t last that long, and three; I only introduce the women in my life to the people that truly matter. So one or two things will happen; either you don’t matter to me and won’t get the privilege of meeting the women I get into a relationship with, or I’ve just haven’t got to a point to introduce them to you, because I’m not sure it’s going to last.

I have no idea why I wrote that last paragraph. Anyway, I just want to say that I don’t have a problem with love, loving a woman, or being in love with a woman; I just have a problem with a woman who loves me back. That will give me their all as I give them my all. They don’t risk it all for me, love me with minimal expectations for themselves and only give me the minimal; burned out women who have put all that blind devotion into a negative man, they don’t have enough to love a good man the right way; they are in love with someone else, still dating an ex behind my back, I’m just a sexual fling, I’m there youthful dessert, personal savior, trial experiment, placeholder, comma, semi-colon, but never ever their ending to the sentence. I’m to be used and abused. I know no other role to play. Cursed I told you cursed to forever be alone and watch those around me find love. Is it such a miserable existence though?

But you were different…

jwriter

visit me at joe4christ.blogspot.com

No more relationships!!!

No more heartache!!!

No more emotions!

No more falling in love!

No more risks!!!

No more tears!

You were the first person who showed me they love me before they ever said it. It meant so much to me because I knew it was real.

As much as I want to hate you I love you. I love you more then I was ever able to say out loud. As much as I wish I could never have loved you the way that I do I can't. I love you so much that it hurts to say it, to feel it, to mean it, to write it, to type it, to know it, to have it beat in my heart, to bleed in my veins. Why, why, why did we have to be? As much as I want to hate you I can't because I love you.

I love you so much. I love you so much. I love you.

Why people? Why do we wait until we are hurting to want to talk to God and to listen to Him? I'm so guilty of this even right at this moment. If we just stop and do things God's way we can avoid a lot of pain. (Now I didn't say we wouldn't have pain, I just said we would avoid a lot of pain, or some of the extra pain we bring on ourselves.) We keep trying to rush God to find us happiness, make us rich, famous, beautiful; no we try to do it on our own, make our own love, create our own destiny, but we don't want to wait on God.

It isn't until we are at our point of anguish, despair, hurt, pain, confusion, sorrow, praying for death to find us that we truly realize that we should have given it to God from the beginning.

Now God you have my attention. It's a shame that I couldn't hear you until I was at the threshold of the pain I'm now feeling.

Great

joe4christ.blogspot.com

So here I am journal right back where I started. I knew that taking a risk would lead me back to this point, but I felt that it was worth it; that "WE" were worth it. They tell you not to give up on love or to not fall into the trap of cynicism, but the truth is you can't help it. You keep investing all this time into loving someone or being in love and you get nothing out of it, but heartache and lessons learned. I'm sick of learning lessons and I'm sick of being wrong.

So...

I Never

Sometimes I think I’m cursed. No really I do. I’ve never been too successful in the relationship department. I think I’m a pretty decent guy and I treat women with respect, but I just can’t catch a break and most times I end up having to start all over again. Please tell me I jwriter am the only person in the world that hates starting over again. I can tell you right now that it isn’t fun at all. Shoot and all the emotional investment you put into a person is starting to get taxing. I honestly have to ask myself when I will get a return on my investment. Or why did I make her just right for the next man? (Ok, so the last statement was probably a little grandiose, but readers I do feel like I just made it easy for the next one).

Sometimes I just feel like…should I say this out loud? Well I don’t really care I’m blogging and I can say what I want. Sometimes I just feel like I was meant to be single and please don’t think I am being self-absorbed or melancholic; I may feel this way, but God willing this isn’t the destiny for my life. I’ve seen a few of my close family members have failure, after failure, after failure when it comes to relationships; and honestly my track record has not been that good either. No I don’t cheat or beat on women or nothing like that. And no I’m not perfect either, I definitely have my faults, but I can’t pinpoint what it is.

Listen, I’m not hating on my friends who have been in relationships for years or are now happily married, but come on. And I certainly understand the sayings that everything that glitters isn’t gold, or the grass is always greener on the other side, but don’t tell me that everything about being married is a bad idea or you’re so unhappy, or you wish you were still single, or all the other make me feel better sayings you think will help. I know that marriage takes works, relationships aren’t always easy/fun, “you just don’t know what we go through or went through to get here,” yeah I know all that to be true, but at the base of it all you have someone to wake up next or to hold at night. Shoot I don’t do a lot of complaining on this subject, but it get lonely sometimes.

I really can’t stand you married people who take your marriage for granted. Yes I said it you self-indulgent, selfish, undeserving so and so’s. Always complaining, always saying how you wish you were still single, blah, blah, blah, and never satisfied. You make my stomach cringe and you just are never satisfied. If you can get past the superficial wall of narcissism and get over the pretentious attitude you have about your marriage, maybe you can enjoy it. Some of us are waiting in line to be happily married and you waste yours on adulterous living or complaining all the time. You ungrateful swine, you really disgust me. LOL I sound so bitter LOL…I’m really not, but I do hate seeing marriages end and divorce is so ugly.

I pray that my family and I aren’t cursed with the curse of continued fail relationships and one day I will find the one who will bring me one of my hearts desires. Like I said starting over sucks!

(From inside the head of jwriter aka Joe Snider. Visit my blog, join, subscribe, email, comment, and help me become famous at joe4christ.blogspot.com)

It is a true and amazing ability that you can still give to others despite your own pain and sorrow.

You are amazing to me when you can be a blessing to others, knowing full well that you are in need yourself.

You don’t ask for anything in return and you’re not even going to pat yourself on the back.

You give humbly and you love unconditionally.

A few words to say thank you.

Wow

I have to shake my head at your foolishness. Don’t be with me and you know you can’t be faithful. You know damn well that you lie next to me, but you’re thinking of someone else. I have to laugh to keep from crying. You hold me and yet you wish you were holding them. I might not smell them on you, but I feel it when you kissed me. You’re dreaming of them right now, but you’re with me. You cheat on me in your fantasies, you don’t even think about the way I feel.

Stop

You know you want someone else, but you continue to be with me. With my friend though? You thought I wouldn’t find out you’ve been seeing your ex the whole time. You come home not wanting to hold me or be intimate, because you’ve found your enjoyment with someone else. You flaunt your flirtations in my face. You dangle my feelings for you on a hook. You lead me on making me feel like you’re feeling me, but all the while you’ve just been feeling the attention I give you, because the person you want won’t give you any attention. That’s messed up that you would play me like that.

Stop

Don’t say you love me when you know you don’t. Don’t invest so much time into this relationship when you know it’s going to end. Why are we together if all you’re ever going to do is cheat on me? Why are we together if you know you don’t want to marry me or you can’t marry me? Oh I’m good enough to sleep with or have sex with, to live up in my house, but I’m not good enough for you to marry. I’m good enough to have children with, but you can’t be faithful to me. Oh you have crossed the line bringing me a sexually transmitted disease. Oh snap you bought another child home that isn’t mine?

Stop

With the I love you’s or the baby I’m sorry, because I don’t want to hear it anymore. I don’t want to hear you can change. We exchanged vows, you told me you would never hurt me, you said you cared for me. Oh now you feel bad because I’m hurt, now you feel remorseful because I found out. You were all in on it too. Everyone knew except me and you played me like a fool. I was your security, your source of income, your source of strength. I was also your slave and I can’t blame this all on you because I knew it. I knew what was going on, but I didn’t want to face the truth.

Stop

I thought I would feel better if I did the same thing to you, but I don’t. I gave you a chance to be honest, but you couldn’t be honest. What?? You had a whole other family on the side? You have children that I don’t know about? You loved them and gave them a family; the one thing you couldn’t give me?

Stop just please stop.

Are you in a relationship and you just feel like you were trapped into it? Do you ever feel like you were bamboozled, tricked, and manipulated by the person you are in a relationship with? Do you feel stuck or feel like there is no way out? If you have this feeling then maybe it is time for an evaluation of your relationship.
First you have to ask yourself why you feel this way. What has sparked this sudden quagmire? Is it unhappiness with the relationship? Could it be that you are unsure of what you’re feeling? Is it just a phase? Or do you genuinely feel like you were manipulated into being in a relationship with this person?

Secondly you have to sit down and talk to the person about your feelings. Caution: You might not want to tell the person that you feel like they trapped you, but maybe after some careful, self-evaluation, you can honestly tell them what you are truly feeling. Being honest with what you’re feeling may help you to overcome this feeling and possibly salvage your relationship, or reveal to you and your significant other what you may need to do about your relationship. Don’t hold things end or you may end up sabotaging the relationship and the person’s feelings.

Thirdly, you should try to avoid PAEB or passive-aggressive emotional breakdown. In other words, don’t try to inadvertently or in a round-about way get the other person to end the relationship. You shut off your emotional attachment to the person or become distant and then blame them. You purposely start arguments, nag about the smallest things, break communication, stop intimacy, treat them bad, blame them for the relationship trouble, or cause confusion; all in the name of trying to break them down emotionally so that they will break up with you and you won’t have to deal with your feelings.

Finally if you can’t get past feeling trapped or you truly feel that you were trapped into the relationship; seek counseling, guidance, and instruction from God, from a trustworthy pastor or minister, a relationship counselor, or some form of therapist that may help you gain insight.
I can’t imagine that feeling like someone has trapped you is a good feeling, but not saying or doing anything about your feelings, or trying to get the person to quit isn’t an effective way to cope.

Relationship Talks

jwriter

joe4christ.blogspot.com

Please don’t lie and make me think you want to be with me. It really is simple, you want to be with me then your actions and your words will prove it, and if you don’t then don’t be. Don’t draw me on a string or feed me the emotional bull crap; the things you think I want to hear; only to have me left wondering whether you truly care. You can keep the words, you can keep the gifts; you can keep it all to yourself. I don’t have the time or the energy for you to waste it with empty promises, broken records, and the same old songs.

Don’t do me any favors ok. You are not the gift of the Holy Spirit, nor eternal blessings from on high. We have a great time and yes you make me happy, but some days the things you say don’t line up with how you act, how you treat me, the inflection in your voice; you don’t look at me the same, we argue over little things more, you don’t touch me, you don’t hold me; the temperature is hot, but lately you’ve been cold; you are so distance, and I’m tired of being present and feeling all alone.

Don’t stay because of the children.

Don’t stay because you’re afraid I won’t find anyone else.

Don’t stay with me to protect me from being hurt.

Don’t pretend to care, knowing your heart or your lust lies with someone else.

I rather you hurt me now before more time is wasted. You know you don’t want to be with me anymore so why do you stay? Why do you endure? Why do you torture yourself knowing you don’t want to be with me? Why do you continue to say yes when really you’re screaming no? Just say what you mean and do what you feel.

Please don’t do me any favors. Keep your lies to yourself you emotionless, narcissistic, arrogant, selfish, self-indulgent, plagiaristic, sociopathic, incredulous, opportunistic, and lying sack of manipulation.

Just do what you say and say what you mean.

If you don’t want to be with me then leave.

One Day Soon Someone Will Be in Love with Me.

I won't have to guess how she feels because she will show it and won't hide it.

My heart won't hurt and my tears won't shed, because I will have her heart and

She will have mine.

One Day Soon I Declare it Woman YOU will be in LOVE with ME.

Soon I hope.

Soon....

Layers

I have walked through many lives,
some of them my own,
and I am not who I was,
though some principle of being
abides, from which I struggle
not to stray.-
A sample of a poem by Stanley Kunitz called Layers

The weight of the world sometimes feels like it rests on my shoulders. The continually need to block off the emotional heaviness of others, as I try to break through the layers of blockage that has them depressed or suppressed. I’m perpetually overwhelmed by my need to comfort others, while trying to elevate my own self-esteem, and to tear down any dimensional rift that may cause me to retreat into desirable isolation. I came home today and I thought about layers.

As I thought about layers, I breathed a heavy sigh of relief, and I started to remove layers of clothing. Starting with my shirt, I lifted it over my head and found a layer of protection has left me. I could breathe a little easier. I took of my pants and they fell to the floor. I felt the coolness of freedom and as that layer of clothing no longer clung to me I inhaled freedom. The layers started to consume me and call me back to the pains of today, but I didn’t stop. I took off my shoes and my socks; feet free, free to dance, free to prance, free to breathe. I took a breath and I was beginning to feel lighter. I rushed to my closet and I grabbed the clippers; I ran to the dresser and I grabbed my facial cleansers. I ran to the bathroom and I prepared to remove more layers. I came home today and I thought about layers.

I washed the layers of oil and dirt off my face. My pores opened up and they began to sing of all the dirt and smog that has asphyxiated me all day. I scrubbed at the layer of blemishes that poisoned my face and bruised my esteem, I laughed and I let that layer go. I shaved my face and as the layers of hair fell to the sink I felt different. The layers were nothing to me, but forgotten hurt and pain. The hair on my face soaked up the tears; to love and to lose, to love and to never gain, to love and be loved back. I wanted a layer of love to surround me. I went home today and I thought about layers.

I removed the last bit of clothing and I was layer free and exposed. I turned on my music and the shower. I begin to let the steam of the water hit my bare skin and I felt free. I washed and I thought about the layers of sin that has consumed my flesh. Oh how I wish you could wash the layers of sin off as you cleanse the layers of dirt and dead skin off of you. I was grateful that God can see past the layer of flesh and sin and He sees me for who I am. He loves me because I am covered in layers of his son’s love and forgiveness.

I went home and I thought about layers.

God Is Always Enough

Hear my prayer, O LORD, and give ear unto my cry; hold not thy peace at my tears: for I am a stranger with thee, and a sojourner, as all my fathers were. Psalm 39:12

Help me, O LORD my God: O save me according to thy mercy. Psalm 109:26

But thou, O LORD, art a shield for me; my glory, and the lifter up of mine head. Psalm 3:3

Have you ever felt like God wasn’t enough? In the midst of life most challenging circumstances; death, sickness, broken relationships, disaster, confusion, endless pain, circumstance after circumstance, after circumstance, after circumstance, after circumstance; it just seems like the anguish won’t stop and the tears just won’t stop falling. I know I can’t be the only person who has felt like God wasn’t enough. If I am the only one then I will encourage myself. THE LORD IS ENOUGH!

It is never easy to get over hurt and pain, and the funny thing is God is the only one in this world who allows you the sufficient amount of time to feel sadness. He is truly empathic, and then sees you through. The Lord understands your pain. The Bible says in Hebrews 4:15, “For we have not an high priest which cannot be touched with the feeling of our infirmities; but was in all points tempted like as we are, yet without sin.” The Lord has felt all our infirmities; including death, but He never turned his back on God (sinned), He never denounced that God was able to deliver Him (sinned); the Lord did not sin in any way shape or form. THE LORD IS ENOUGH!

This world is not short on sorrow or pain. Even as I type the tears form in my eyes for those I love. The things I’ve endured in my life can’t compare to the sadness I feel for those I love who are going through. I wish so badly that I can take away their pain, but even I have recognized that God is the only one who can heal all our pain. God never promised that we wouldn’t have pain, but He promised us a lighter load and rest. Mark 11:29- Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart: and ye shall find rest unto your souls. Isaiah 53:5- But he was wounded for our transgressions, he was bruised for our iniquities: the chastisement of our peace was upon him; and with his stripes we are healed. THE LORD IS ENOUGH!

The Lord loves us. I know that some may question whether or not He loves us in the midst of death, murder, and the evil that seems to rule this world, but I URGE you to believe that the Lord loves US. I can’t explain how the Lord works, but HIS WILL is perfect. I know that maybe these words may not bring you the comfort you need, but put your trust in God! GOD IS MORE THAN ENOUGH!

jwriter

joe4christ.blogspot.com

“I never had a chance to grieve before everyone told me to let it go. I wish I could get over it just like that, but it isn’t that easy,” – A man who lost his mother at a young age.

“Before I could even stop having the nightmares of what he did to me to escape my mind, I had to overcome the nightmares of the people who kept telling me it happened such a long time ago,”- A young woman who was raped by a family member.

“No one knows the abuse I’ve endured at the hands of my sister, but I will have to soon be free from it I guess. Everyone tells me I should,”- A woman who has spent years trying to overcome the abuse of a presently abusive sibling.

(Forms of abuse: Physical, Emotional, Verbal, Sexual)

We never know how our words or actions can affect someone. The stain of abuse and hurt can last for years to come. Abuse even has the propensity to become a cycle and the abused can become the abuser. It doesn’t happen in every case, but believe me there are some residuals that are left permanently engraved in a person if they have had to endure abuse. But the hardest part about abuse is the people who make the abused feel guilty about being abused in the first place. The people, who tell the abused to just let it go, or you don’t need counseling, you don’t need to tell people your business, it happened such a long time ago; yeah just get over it. Sad to say it, but you even have people in the church who tell a person to get over it and leave the person feeling more abused.

I’m no stranger to abuse and I have heard the words of people telling me to let it go. Sometimes people say it because they don’t really know what to say. Sometimes people say it because they don’t know how to deal with all the emotions. (I for one am a firm believer that if you don’t know what to say, you probably shouldn’t say anything at all.) Whatever the case may be, I’m here to tell you that letting it go is an important step in healing, but you must do it on your own terms and in your own time. There are steps to dealing with being abused and forgiveness is a huge part of it, but honestly it usually isn’t the first step.

So the question is how do you let go? I would honestly suggest that if you have a relationship to with God that you should give it to Him first. Then you must accept that the abuse occurred and surround yourself around people that you can trust, that won’t judge you or unintentionally re-abuse you (make you feel like it was your fault), tell someone you can trust about the abuse i.e. pastor, therapist, counselor, parents, etc; be honest, don’t isolate yourself, don’t turn to unhealthy coping mechanisms to deal with the results of the abuse i.e. harming yourself or others, drinking, drugging, engaging in risky behaviors i.e. unhealthy/dangerous sexual encounters, driving recklessly, etc.

I do believe that forgiveness is a truly important step to letting go and believe me when I tell you that forgiving a person truly sets you free. I also believe that you must do it on your own time.
I’m praying for you.

jwriter
Joe4christ.blogspot.com