Maybe I Need To Stop Being So Judgmental

"Dude you really need to catch up on the times. Relationships are no longer in the traditional sense of boy meets girl, falls in love, they get married, and they live happily ever after,"- An Associate of Mine.

Let me begin by saying that I truly believe marriage to be a sacred union and also something that is beautiful and amazing. Secondly let me say that I believe that there are no degrees to sin and that I truly believe that I deserve death, but that I thank God for sending Jesus Christ to die on the cross for our sins. Finally let me say that although I strongly disagree with adultery; I do not think that my sins are better than those who commit adultery or whatever.

So for some reason I have spent the better part of my life being an listening ear for people. People say that I'm a great listener, I'm honest, and I say the things that they don't want to hear, but need to hear. I also try to live by the strict code: If you don't want my opinion on something, don't ask me. I truly live by this when friends want to hear my honest opinion (good way to lose some friends, but also a good way to strengthen your friendship), but I also believe in my friends being completely open and honest with me; especially if they see that I'm wrong. For some strange reason an acquaintance of mine doesn't appreciate my honest approach and felt the need to tell me that I need to catch up on the times and that I'm judgmental. I'm not writing this to confirm who was right and who was wrong between the two of us, but simply to just put an interesting conversation online and read your opinions of the topic.

Is Dating A Separated Married Person Wrong?

Characters: Jwriter aka Joe

&

Acquaintance aka (Acq who happens to be a man)

Sidenote: Although this conversation is with a man, I have had conversations with women about this subject as well. I also did ask his permission to blog about this lol.

Acq: Hey dude I need to talk to you about something...

Joe: What's up?

Acq: Alright so I've been dating this woman for sometime now and things are going really great. We're not exclusive or anything, but I'm feeling her a lot.

Joe: OK that sounds nice. So what's wrong?

Acq: Dude she's thinking about going back to her ex and I'm trying to play it cool, but it is truly bothering me, because I like her a lot. What should I do?

Joe: Honestly???

Acq: Yeah man...

Joe: RUN!!! Dude that's a serious red flag and you need to run. You have an escape and you need to take it.

Acq: That's not helping at all joe man...I'm serious I think I like her a lot and I don't want her to go back to her husband.

Joe: ...

Acq: Joe

Joe:....

Acq: Dude where you go?

Joe: I had to recover from that. Dude you did not tell me that her ex was her husband. If you thought I said run before now I'm telling you to get the hell out of there FAST!!!! An ex means no more ties...husband means married!!!

Acq: No dude first don't get all excited, we are not having an affair, she and her husband are separated...so that's cool. The problem is that she is thinking about going back to him.

Joe: I'm not an expert or anything, but separated means they are still married...and you two dating sounds like an affair to me? And I thought the point of a separation was to take a "break" lol and then possibly either reconcile or divorce.

Acq: Look they are separated OK and they both are dating other people, shoot he has a girlfriend. And an affair is when a husband or a wife is cheating without their respective spouse knowing about the indiscretion. They both agreed to date other people, while also work on their marriage. So her and I are doing nothing wrong...so get off your high horse already and help me dude.

Joe: First of all I'm not on a high horse, I didn't say you were doing anything wrong, nor am I able to "help you" if you're not willing to listen. Look your view is that it is ok to date a still married yet separated woman...fine that's your view....my view is that it is dangerous territory and although they maybe separated they are still married and off limits to other people, no matter what their "agreement" is. So like I said dude get out of there. I would say the same thing if you guys were just dating and she wasn't married. If she is considering going back to her EX you didn't stand a chance...and now she is thinking of going back to her husband, the one she made vows to...you need to count your losses and get out of the way.

Acq: Judgment is written all in your last comment. Just because you're religious and go to church doesn't mean you have to be so old fashion. If you haven't learned anything from going to a diverse school and not to mention being in a field where you will work with diverse populations and people with different beliefs; you need to understand that everyone thinks differently than you and you can't place your beliefs on everyone else.

Joe: Thank you for putting me in my place Oh wise one...but in the mean time let me say first that I'm not religious and nor am I placing my values on you. Look if you want to stay in this obvious "troubled" situation by all means do so, but remember you came to me and asked for my help. What you want me to say that you sit down and you talk to her about your feelings, see whether or not she really wants to be back with her husband, and state all the reasons why you are the better choice. Or maybe you wanted me to say awww poor guy...she obviously can't see the good qualities in you and she is a slut and tramp for wanting to dump you and go back to her stupid husband, or maybe you want me to say hey let her go back to her husband and you guys have a happy go luckily THREESOME!!!! Is that outside of the "Old Fashion" for you? Is that new aged enough buddy boy. Maybe a plural marriage where the woman can have more than one husband might work for the self-proclaimed bachelor, who sleeps with as many women as he can, and wants an already committed woman to be committed to him.

Acq: LOL you know if that wasn't written in sarcasm I almost would be down for the threesome LOL.

Joe: This isn't funny...

Acq: No it is...I mean you talked about how your Human Sexuality class changed the way you thought on a lot of topics concerning sexuality, you talk about how much of a sexual being you are, and how you can't wait to be married so that you can have guilt free sex, but yet you are so concerned with the fact that she is married and her dating me. I don't get it.

Joe: Look man my eyes have been opened on a lot of things, and I'm not judging you at all. Dude I'm a sinner and I don't believe your more condemned then I would be, but one thing won't change for me and that's messing around with a married woman. I don't agree with it true, but I'm not trying to project that on to you; all I'm saying is that if she wants to go back to her husband you need to get out of the way, move on, and date other woman...preferably ones that aren't "halfway still married". That way you won't run into the trouble of her deciding to go back to her husband. Look man it is hard enough to find a decent single woman out there, but it isn't that hard that you have to start dating women who are married.

Acq: I'm not dating a MARRIED WOMAN JOE I'M DATING A SEPARATED WOMAN.

Joe: Is she divorced?

Acq: NO

Joe: Then she is married. That's not old fashion that is a FACT!!!

Acq: Dude you really need to catch up on the times. Relationships are no longer in the traditional sense of boy meets girl, falls in love, they get married, and they live happily ever after, no people are having threesomes, going to sex clubs, swinger parties, dating online, mail-ordered brides, co-habitating, etc... and separated people have the right to date!!! And I don't think they are doing anything wrong. Anyway I like her a lot and I don't want to let her go.

Joe: OK I was about to get really defensive and say that I don't need a lesson on the changes/culture of modern day sexuality, but now I'm going to shut up and listen. Dude it sounds like you have real and true feelings for her. And it sounds like you really need to evaluate if those feelings are strong enough to deal with the issues you two may face in light of her wanting to get back with her husband. The truth is she may truly want to be back with her husband and you will be left hurting. So you need to make the choice and see whether or not you can deal with those feelings and the reality that she may go back to her husband, especially if she told you that.

Acq: Even though I feel you're still being judgmental at least you made it sound a little bit better lol.

Joe: That's all I have to say, but I am willing to just listen.

Acq: You still think her and I are wrong for dating? Separated doesn't equal marriage dude.

Joe: If that's what helps you sleep at night LOL.

End

So the conversation went on back and forth about separation and marriage. I believe one thing and he believes another. I honestly wasn't trying to judge him, but I just can't accept that separation means you no longer have to be committed to your vows. That's just what I believe, but you tell me what you think.