There are two things we need to do in our efforts to becoming healthier people who have healthier relationships, "Stop putting our negative feelings, thoughts, and ideas on other people. Stop allowing people to place their negative thoughts, feelings, or ideas on us."

The statement above came to me when I was thinking back on how I was so negative about my marriage because I was feeling so bad about myself. Things were going really bad at my previous job, I was stressed out about income, and being a new father; I just couldn't come out of the funk I was in. I was projecting these feelings on my family and others, and all that did was make me feel empty.

Emptiness is a terrible feeling or emotional state to be in or at least it was for me. To feel like nothing no one could do or say would make you feel better or move to a better state of mind was a horrible place to be. I was completely empty and dark inside and I will discuss more in another post as to where this emptiness came from. I knew that I was being negative and I knew I was not being fair to my family and loved ones.

I define Displaced Emptiness as taking out your feelings of emptiness or feelings of disappointment on other people, especially those closets to you. It is the act of blaming people for your troubled feelings or inadequacies. Projection and Displacement are two different defense mechanisms; the picture above is actually a visual example of projection, but I liked it because it showed how blaming or taking things out on your loved ones gets you both in a tangled mess.

It is not fair to your friends, family, children, significant other, or spouse for you to take your feelings of emptiness out on them. To isolate yourself away from the people you love without any explanation or to completely disappear emotionally and refuse to do anything to fix it.

I'm not here to be hard on anyone because I had to be set free from this as well and here are some steps to get through this:

1. Acknowledge that you're feeling empty, incomplete, or disappointed. No one can help you if you are not first honest with yourself with what is going on. It would be especially good if you let the people you have been taking stuff out on know what is going on as well. It will be important for them to know why you have been acting the way you have. The truth shall set you free.

2. Ask for forgiveness to those you may have blamed or isolated from your life because you felt empty or incomplete. Forgiveness is removing the desire and expectation for the person or persons who wronged you to pay for what they did. Forgiveness is releasing yourself from being controlled by the hurt or anger you feel for the person or the wrong they did towards you. Forgiveness is the unconditional release of the person who wronged you. This is what God does for us! Forgiveness is self-freedom. So apologize and let it go; ask them to let it go too.

3. Seek help and embrace change. This is a very important step after you acknowledge the emptiness and ask for forgiveness. Once you have let go of the weights of blame, guilt, shame, and unforgiveness; you'll be able to take the biggest action step of getting help. There is nothing wrong with seeking help whether it be from a therapist, spiritual advisor, or a good friend who will keep it real with you. Don't sit in the feelings of emptiness any longer. Emptiness is often accompanied or followed by feelings of depression, which can then lead to deeper and more dangerous issues if left unchecked. Once you begin to get the help and start changing you have to embrace and own it. Don't get stuck in where you were, but begin to move to a better place.

I hope this helps someone. These steps definitely helped me.

Everyone has their own ideas on what it takes to have a great relationship. So I just want to quickly share my ideas on what I believe are the necessary ingredients to a strong relationship.

Here we go:

1. Human Connection! View and treat the person you are dating or in a relationship with as a human being and not a god/superhero. You are setting a person up for failure when you forget that they are an infallible being just like you. Having a human to human connection makes room for people to be imperfect and opens the door to compassion and understanding.

2. Open Communication! Open and effective communication means that both persons are developing strong listening skills, improving their nonverbal communication skills, they both have an understanding of how to manage stress, and they can keep their emotions in check or express them in a healthy way. Open communication involves honesty and understanding. It isn't just about saying a bunch of stuff, but the quality of what is said, heard, and understood.

3. Working Chemistry! Everyone has this false belief that chemistry is just something that you and the other person will have. I believe that there is natural physical chemistry or attraction, but then just like you have to know and try the formulas in real chemistry, that is the same type of work you have to do in building and maintaining the chemistry in your relationships.

4. Fun! We put too much pressure on ourselves when we are in relationships and we focus too much on "making it work" that we lose focus on having fun. We have to do the work to keep the relationship going, but that doesn't mean it has to be absent of fun. Be spontaneous sometimes! Be creative! Laugh as much as you can with one another! Most of all be PRESENT!

This list could go on and on, but I just wanted to give you something simple and quick to think about!

Here's to strong relationships!

Sex can be very exciting and fun. Sex can also be very awkward and confusing. Sex can sometimes just be downright upsetting or even traumatic. No matter what you think about sex or whatever rules you have concerning it, I believe that everyone has had the desire to have a great sexual experience at least once in their lives.

I truly think that we have squandered such an amazing gift; through over commercializing sex, perverting sex, and taking the fun out of sex through selfish gain or rigid thinking. Whatever the case may be, I want to give you 10 steps on how to possibly have the best sex of your life.

Step 1: Let Go of Guilt and Shame

Letting go of guilt and shame is the first step and probably the most important step to reaching the great sex mark. I am a Christian, so I definitely believe in sex in marriage. I did not always follow this discipline to be very honest and I have held on to a lot of guilt and shame. For a lot of Christians this guilt and shame has spilled over into their marriages and has hindered their ability to fully enjoy and embrace the sexual experience between the two that have now become one. We have to change our mindset about sex and sexuality and not always place it in good vs. bad category. Guilt and shame are weights that should be cast off.

I want to note that I am referring to healthy sexual exploration between two consenting adults; these two adults have agreed to have sex with one another. Now you can decide whether you'll wait until you are married, but I think if the sex being had between two adults, consenting adults, adults that understand and comprehend the consequences in engaging in sex; that they can only fully enjoy it if it is absent of guilt and shame. Guilt and shame prevents us from being able to have healthy communication concerning our sexual needs and desires, and fully embracing the sexual fulfillment of our partner or significant other.

Step 2: Embrace that Sex is a Beautiful Gift

Sex is a gift! There is no other way to describe such a powerful activity that often seems to transcend the natural and spiritual realms simultaneously; the gift that often leaves us wanting more. Our perception of a gift often plays a major role on how we will treat that gift. If you view your gift as something you will treasure and love; you will cherish that gift and you will use that gift to the best of your ability. You will discover new ways to explore your gift, use that gift, and enjoy every aspect of that gift. So let us look at sex as a beautiful gift and treat it as such.

Step 3: Be Open about Your Wants and Needs with Your Partner

If you can reach step one and embrace step two, step three will begin to be a breeze to you. This step right here is why so many people struggle with truly enjoying sex to the fullest extent. Your significant other, spouse, or partner should really be able to talk to you and share openly what they want from and get out of the sexual experience with you. Even if you're not willing to make all of their sexual fantasies come true, they should at least be able to talk to you about them. The other thing that couples should be open about are what they like and dislike in bed without fear.

Step 4: Learn Your Own Body and Desires

I won't go into too much detail about this step, but I will say this. If you hate your own body, the way you look, or you feel so ashamed about sex and even feel ashamed about enjoying the sexual experience; how do you expect someone else to be able to explore your body and desires? I'm not saying that you have to go around sneaking off to touch your "naughty bits" (LOL), but I am saying that you should know what works for you and what doesn't. Study you!

Step 5: Treasure Your Partner's Body and Pleasure

One of the many keys to having an amazing sexual experience with your partner is letting go of being selfish or just using their body as a way to just "get yours." Instead if you treasure your partner's body and attend to their pleasure; just as much as they should attend to your pleasure, things should be great for you both.  Remember how we view something dictates how we will well or unwell we will treat something. How do you treat your partner's body?

Step 6: Be Patient and Kind

You can't possibly believe that someone will embrace the sexual experience fully if they always feel pressured by you?! Pressured to have sex with you, pressured to please you, pressured to try new things, or pressured to climax; how do you expect them to enjoy themselves or even enjoy having sex with you. Patience and Kindness goes a long way even during sex and the time building up to the sexual encounter.

Step 7: Avoid Selfishness

Um this is self-explanatory!

Step 8: Try Something New

I think being open to stepping outside of the norm is the only way you'll fully embrace the sexual experience with your partner. However, I again think that both people have to be comfortable, consent, and have rules that govern trying something new or exploring something new. Trying something new should not invoke feelings of guilt or shame, or make you fear getting arrested. Trying something new should be fun.

Step 9: Discover New Foreplay Ideas 

Foreplay is so very important in the pregame round of having some of the best sex of your life. So try some blindfolding touch play, try body painting, or try a sexy board game that gets you in the mood. Remember on average it takes 7 minutes for a man to reach orgasm and 20 minutes for a woman to reach orgasm. So some foreplay can't hurt. Just know who needs the extra attention and who may a little attention. Don't want things to end early for some or never end for someone else.

Step 10: Have Fun

Sex is supposed to be fun! Not a chore or something to do just because you can do it. It should be fun and exciting. So have fun and enjoy each other, enjoy the guilt and shame free sex, embrace the beautiful gift, be open with your partner; have fun learning about you, treasure your partner, be patient and kind; have fun avoiding selfishness, trying something new, discover new four play ideas together, and enjoy.

It is amazing how we enter into relationships full of hope and excitement. I don't think that it is a bad thing that we want to be in love or to be in a relationship. I do however feel that we have been doing it incorrectly. We have held tightly to fixed beliefs about relationships and we want the finish line, but we don't want to have anything to do with the process.

The biggest mistake that we make is that we can't acknowledge that 95 percent of the time two UNHEALTHY people enter into a relationship EXPECTING for the relationship to be HEALTHY. How do we come up with this type of math? I was never good at math in school anyway so I understand how I came to this answer, but what is your excuse?

UH= Unhealthy H= Healthy

UH + UH = UH not UH + UH= H

So what is missing from the equation? How can two unhealthy people make a healthy relationship.

x= unknown variable

It is what most of us run from and that is the process. The process will take us further in our relationships before an unrealistic expectation that we can be unhealthy (often times we can't help that), we can stay unhealthy (we can do something about that, but often times we choose not to), and that we will make a healthy relationship (most times the relationship is manageable at best).

We need the process. The process includes acknowledging that something is wrong or that we have issues in ourselves that we need to address individually, issues we need to address as a couple, and be patient with helping one another grow to healthy. That is a process and without the process we are just trying to make an incorrect equation work.

UH + UH= UH

UH + UH + X= H

So how do you solve for X? You have to put Process into the equation.

P= Process

UH + UH + P= H

Don't strive for perfection in your relationships stroll with the process.

"Stop trying to find perfection in your spouse and appreciate the process!” #marriageadvice, Joseph Snider

I originally tweeted this statement on my fan relationship advice Twitter Page: @relationshipjw to married couples, but I wanted to write this post to everyone in relationships. It is so very important in our intimate relationships, and maybe even our friendships, that we don't forget that building and maintaining a relationship is hard work. We should understand that it is not only hard work, but also a process. 

In relationships, most of us become enamored with the idea of being with someone and the desire for the relationship to be like something out of a fairy tale. To be honest there are some people that get the chance to live the fairy tale life; those people sicken me to no end (insert playful laughter here because I'm joking), well they do just a little bit. The only reason I'm envious of those individuals because in every intimate relationship, including my own marriage, I have had to work and work very hard. So for most of us we have had to work hard for that image of the "perfect" relationship and when our relationships or our significant others don't live up to that perfection, we feel that our relationship has failed in some way, or that we have failed in some way. 

I want to encourage you to change your perspective right now if you think this way. I have thought this way and it has made my relationships more difficult. As a matter of fact I gained clarity on the process of relationships by realizing first that my wife is not perfect, that I am not perfect, and that building a strong and amazing relationship is a process. Once I discovered this perspective, I was able to let my wife be herself and I could see her growth, her sacrifice, her love, her strengths, her limitations; I could see the process ever so clearly, and I could appreciate the important things about my wife and our marriage. I could appreciate how beautiful she is and how wonderful it was to be with her because I wasn't striving for us to be perfect. 

It truly is a process to be in a relationship and try to build something amazing. If we can stop being so caught up in trying to be like the next relationship or the next couple, we won't miss the important moments in our relationships. I don't want to miss anything else in my marriage. 

I don't want you to miss anything else in your relationships as well. 

In the next few posts I will continue to discuss more on Perfection vs Process in Relationships so we can discover together how to not miss the process. 

Keep reading! 

In intimate relationships there are several things that couples eventually stop doing or they become mundane routines within the relationship that they no longer have impact. Finding time to go out on dates, kissing one another passionately, sex, wild and crazy sex, passionate sex, and even making love. Sometimes even creating a budget and paying the bills can start to feel like blah, blah, blah in a relationship. Why is that? Why do we get so comfortable in our relationships that we forget to keep the passion alive? I sometimes find myself asking these very questions in my own marriage. My wife and I are very much in love, but we both recognize that sometimes we have to work a little harder at showing it.

I want to address your mate or significant other feeling attractive and wanted by you and you feeling attractive and wanted by your significant other. The feeling of someone wanting you is nearly indescribable. You see the passion in their eyes when they look at you; the way they seem to undress you with those eyes sends shock waves down your spine and into your toes. They tell you how beautiful or how handsome you are and you feel the exact same way about them. I'm not really doing this justice in trying to describe the confidence and power you get when your spouse or lover looks at you and desire oozes from them. I'm not just talking about lust, but that desire to be around you, to compliment you, to love on you, and yes to rock your world lol. I don't think there is a person who may read this that doesn't want the person they are in relationship with not to want them or desire them.

So why do we stop exuding this passion for one another? Why do you find couples asking one another if they are attracted to one another. Let me stop here and point out that they are not asking for you to validate their outer beauty or physical looks, but they want you to affirm that you still have passion for them.

Tell how beautiful or amazing they are, how handsome he looks or how much you appreciate what he does for the family. Make them feel special or believe me someone else will.

Relationships Simply Made wants to help you build simple yet long-lasting and fun relationships. I truly believe that with changing the way you think and behave you can have the most amazing relationships ever!

These 10 tips should help improve your dating and marriage relationships:

1. Live It Up Together: So many people are in relationships and are living life, but not doing it together! We handle the day to day together, but forget to ENJOY ourselves together. Take time and enjoy life with your significant other. Have Fun!

2. Go out on more DATES together: Try dating more and go back to the time where you were dating each other and they were fun and creative. Notice that I didn't say they have to be expensive. But going out more will have you both feeling appreciated and you'll have fun.

3. Travel More: A change of scenery can help give you a change of perspective on your relationship and one another. It could also enhance your desire for one another being in new and exciting places. Plus when you travel you tend to talk more, especially if you drive some where.

4. Have More CONVERSATIONS with each other: If you are listening and talking to one another you are increasing intimate connection and building upon the communication foundation that is important in your relationship. Talk about life, talk about random stuff, talk about things that make you both laugh, and discuss fears/goals/hopes/dreams.

5. Get A Couples Massage Together: Something fun and different to do together. Or you can give one another massages or go to a spa together.

6. Exercise Together: Ensuring that you're both healthy and relieving stress together can really help bring you together. It is also a belief that regular exercise helps improve depressive symptoms and raise esteem.

7. Have a candlelight dinner together and maybe even cook it or order your favorite take out.

8. Have a movie night at home and snuggle up close in bed. Movie nights are helpful.

9. Encourage your's and your spouse's hopes and dreams: There is nothing like feeling supported by your significant other.

10. Renew your vows or relationship expectations with one another: Renewing your vows or commitment to one another could help increase love for another and solidify the relationship. Doing this can give you a fresh perspective of where you guys have been and where you want the relationship to go.

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We may find it very difficult to navigate relationships. Sometimes it feels as if failure is the only thing that we get out of the relationships we enter in. While this may be true in many cases, I believe we make relationships more challenging than they really need to be. I am living proof that I could have saved myself much hardship and heartache if I wouldn't have had so many unrealistic expectations in my intimate relationships.

In my search for true and healthy relationships, I have found three things that could possibly help change the way we view our intimate connections. Implementing these three things should be easy as pie.

The three steps are:

1. Challenge Negative Thoughts
2. Get Rid of Unrealistic Expectations
3. Have Fun

Cognitive theory asserts that the way we think affects how you feel and how we behave. I am a firm believer that as we think that is how we will behave. The majority of the time this is how our relationships are affected. We think very negative and therefore we behave negative towards our significant others or our loved ones. Challenging negative thoughts will not only help acknowledge that they exist, but also help us come up with ways to remove them from our thinking and therefore change our behaviors.

If we can think more positive I can attest that you will behave more positively and treat your spouse, family, and loved ones more positively. Sometimes we feel bad and we put that onto our loved ones. Most times they have nothing to do with why we feel bad, but we have spent all the time convincing ourselves that it is the other persons fault, we feel bad about how we think they are treating us, and we respond negatively towards them. This isn't always the case, but we have to learn to communicate our feelings to one another in a healthy way.

The next thing to do is get rid of unrealistic expectations. Honestly this should have been step one, but having unrealistic expectations can be a series of negative thoughts that we either unconsciously desire our significant others to live out or we have constructively devised into a list of things that our relationship/significant other MUST have in order for us to be happy. I strongly suggest that you get rid of unrealistic expectations because the truth is no one will be able to live up to ALL of your expectations, just as you're unable to live up to all of the expectations you place on yourself.

Healthy expectations are measurable and obtainable. This means that there is a time frame, a set starting point, and a reward for reaching the expectation (measurable). It also means that the expectation or rather the goal is actually something a fallible human being can reach (obtainable).

We can't expect our spouses to be just like our parents or for our relationships to be like our grandparents. No one can pay for the mistakes of someone else or we can't expect someone to ALWAYS make us happy. However, we can ask that someone communicate with us, that we extend kindness to one another, and we work hard to respect one another. These are all goals that we can make measurable and obtainable.

The last step is to have FUN. So many of us only treat our relationships as businesses or business transactions. We do this and we forget to enjoy ourselves and one another. Don't bog your relationships down with so many rigid rules that you leave no room for fun and adventure. Go on a spontaneous date together. Travel out of the country to a place you both never been. Have a paint fight or have a body paint lovemaking session. Whatever you view as fun in your relationships do it and do it as often as you can. I'm not saying that you can't take care of business, but please have fun.

Relationships can be simple and easy as 1, 2, 3!

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