Entry 14

I John 1:7-10-

7But if we walk in the light, as he is in the light, we have fellowship one with another, and the blood of Jesus Christ his Son cleanseth us from all sin.

8If we say that we have no sin, we deceive ourselves, and the truth is not in us.

9If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins, and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.

10If we say that we have not sinned, we make him a liar, and his word is not in us.

So unofficially it will be three years tonight at 12 am since I haven't had sex. I don't remember the official date or time. Anyway I say that it is three years unofficial because I hadn't decided not to have sex; instead it just hadn't happened.

Officially I've been celibate for 5 months. I have now also come to the conclusion that oral sex (giving or receiving) , masturbation, and pornography are all forms of sexual gratification that I must also give up. This last sentence has probably been one of the hardest things I've ever had to write. I'm the type of person who doesn't care what people think about me, but I also don't want my truth and honesty to become a stumbling block for me i.e. jobs, awards, potential wife, friendships, becoming the next president, etc. In other words I don't want me talking about this openly and people try to use it against me, but to be honest my walk with Christ and saving someone else's life has to come before all of that. And the truth is no one wants someone who is fake, a hypocrite, afraid of what people may think, etc. trying to tell them how to live right if they can't be honest, or can't live right themselves. Hopefully what I write won't come back to bite me, but if it changes someone's life or leads them to Christ then I will take those wounds.

So 5 months and I haven't made all the right choices. I was really close to turning my back on this celibacy thing; especially since me getting married anytime soon doesn't look possible lol. I've come to realize that marriage and sex aren't trends that should be taken lightly or entered into lightly. I've also learned that I have some serious issues that I need to work on. Sex, masturbation, pornography, my flesh, and my lust for beautiful women and their bodies has really affected my spiritual life. So I know that me giving up sex until I'm married was a great decision for me. Although I'm afraid that I maybe single for the rest of my life seeing as no woman has been truly worthy enough to deserve all I have to give or maybe I've just been looking in the wrong places; honestly I don't know what it is, but I do hope that the right one comes along down the line, because me being celibate for the rest of my life is not something I look forward to.

So here's to a year of full and complete celibacy. Please those of you who know how to pray please keep me in your prayers and please those of you who know how to be a positive encouragement; please encourage me to walk uprightly.

God I pray that whomever reads this will get to know you. If they already know you I pray that they would get closer to you. If they have fallen like I have, Lord I pray that they will confess their sins to you and accept the forgiveness you offer. Father in the name of Jesus I pray for the Christians who are not perfect and want to live for you, that you would give them the courage to do so, and that we all will go out of our way; to extreme lengths and measures, to show the world that you are a kind, loving, and compassionate God/Savior, and that you are willing to forgive them. Lord Jesus you were willing to forgive the young man who is typing these words, so I know if you can forgive me of all my evil, God that you are willing to forgive them. In Jesus name I pray Amen.

John 3:16- For God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in him should not perish, but have everlasting life.

I John 4:10- Herein is love, not that we loved God, but that he loved us, and sent his Son to be the propitiation for our sins.

Happy New Year To All

So I've decided to end this year by ending all of my main posts i.e. So..., Joe's Celibacy Journal, and Dating PTSD. A lot has happened this year; many things have happened, some of it good, some of it bad, but all in all I'm ready to end this year and go into the new one right (God willing).

The best things about this year has been:

• My father saying that after 5 years of being unhappy this year he could finally say he's happy. My father means a lot to me and to hear him say he's happy really made me feel great.
• Getting a chance to finally talk to my sister/best friend and apologizing to her if she felt like I abandoned her. We had a very long talk and it was filled with sadness, happiness, and forgiveness. I love you SCW (I love all my siblings, but her and I have been through a lot together).
• My best-friends/adopted brother and sister (The Princes) on getting married and becoming homeowners. They are my encouragement and my closets friends.
• I'm one step closer to finishing school. 2009 will be the year of graduation.
• My mother and I have gotten a lot closer this year and I missed all her hugs and craziness.
• I was a cast member in this awesome play called Love Forgotten and the play changed my life.

Now some of the worse things that have happened this year:

I fell in love with this young lady. I let her beauty and her kindness get into my very soul. I was so entranced by her that I didn't read the signs clearly, I knew there may have been an attraction, but I also knew that it wasn't going to go any further than that. I tortured myself though; I mean you don't find a chocolate, fine, sexy, bright, caring, long hair, sexy in heels, sexy in a black dress, sexy smile, smart, funny, kind, sexy, cute, make you want to drink her bath water kind of woman everyday, but with all this I didn't see that she didn't view me as the man she wanted in her life. Did I mention that she is beautiful in every way? Yeah I also went into a relationship with another girl (a really good friend of mine; who happens to be very beautiful and sexy as well), but I entered into a relationship with her, with this other girl on my heart and my mind, not to mention I spent years and months earlier pining for this light skinned young lady, while at the same time trying to be her friend.

Once again I fell into what I felt was unrequited love and this other young lady had no idea how I felt, but one day she called and told me that she did share the same feelings. I thought it was a dream come true and since my chocolate wonder woman wasn't giving me the time or day; I decided to get into a relationship with my beautiful, sexy, and quite opinionated friend. Let's just say it was bad timing and me being a stupid head. I shouldn't have entered into a relationship with anyone when I had feelings for someone else. Come on jwriter that's Dating 101. jwriter you have also been a victim of this kind of relationship so why would you do that to anyone else. Anyway we ended it and I tried to go on this dating/flirty/confident binge. Let's just say that exploded in my face. I was stood up for many of those dates, didn't have the funds for them, and when I finally emailed the chocolate drop so much she finally sent me one saying she didn't feel I was the man for her. CRUSHED!!! Thus a few new post of Dating PTSD and SO... entered into my blog.

Oh I forgot to mention that some women that were interested in me stopped when I announced that I was choosing celibacy. (If you haven't read my celibacy journal you'll learn that for two years I was celibate, not by choice though, but now I'm celibate by choice).

I lost a person I thought was a really good friend and I have no idea why.

I have no money as all of it is going into school and traveling back and forth to school/internship.

I lost my car. This is a source of real sadness. I had her since I was 14 and she was good to me.

I talked to a girl last night. I told her why I've been so distant, that I needed time to get over her. The feelings I've repressed for two months came rushing back, but I have gotten so good at lying to myself and others I made it seem that I was OK. Since I want to be open and honest on my blog I have to say that I'm not over it. The wound is still fresh.

I think I blew my chance with another fine, tall, sexy young woman; who is just as wild as I can be when it comes to having fun. Just running my mouth about how broke I am and how I don't have much time to go out to dinner; instead of just scraping some money, borrowing the car from good ole Dad (who by the way wants me to date and enjoy my 20's lol) and taking her out. Nope blew it. I talk to much and tend to over think things.

I've sinned so much this year I really think that I might need to spend the entire New Year asking God for forgiveness. I mean my life as a Christian has really taken a turn for the worse. Not the life everyone sees, but the one only God and myself know about. I'm not proud about it at all. I hoping if Jesus does come back today, tomorrow, or next week that He would except me, because I know he hasn't been proud of my actions. The good thing about Christ though is that He isn't judgmental or unforgiving as some of us Christians make Him out to be. I should have been dead along time ago and yet He has blessed me to see another year. God I want to do right in 2009 and really make a commitment to you, my celibacy, and my prayer life.

I've been having sex dreams about one of my exes and it has brought back some feelings that I really need to go away. We have both moved on and it really isn't any need to relive that, but I'm starting to really miss our relationship and at one point I thought she was the one I would marry. (I told you that I tend to over think things).

Well I think that is all of my business that I'm willing to put out there. I think for the most part I'm going to try and just focus on building a better relationship with God, finishing school, work on my blog, and study for my licensing exam. I think I need to take a break from trying to find a woman and just focus on those things. (If something happens it happens).

Thanks for reading so...

As I was in a restless daze at 4 am this morning, I turned on my Ipod; listened to some scriptures, music, and then realized that I never gave any definitions on what dating ptsd was. I'm sure I did in an earlier post, but I'll do it here for those of you are asking why I do these post. First I will give a general definition of the word dating and break down what PTSD stands for. After that I will explain why I've put these two terms together; though I'm sure most of you have already figured it out.

Dating: to go out socially on dates: She dated a lot during high school. To make a date with; go out on dates with someone. (Dictionary.com)

PTSD: PTSD stands for Posttraumatic Stress Disorder. The DSM-IV (Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders Fourth Edition) lists PTSD as an anxiety disorder that is characterized by the re-experiencing of an extremely traumatic event accompanied by symptoms of increased arousal and by avoidance of stimuli associated with the trauma.

I do not take lightly people who are dealing with real PTSD and I also realize that dating isn't a "development of characteristic symptoms following exposure to an extreme traumatic stressor involving personal experience of an event that involves actual or threatened death or serious injury," (DSM-IV, p.463), but I do know that dating can either be a wonderful experience(s) or it can be a nightmare. (The nightmare can bring what I like to call Dating PTSD or the possible avoidance or anxiety in terms of Dating/Relationships).

I decided to do Dating PTSD from my own experiences and the experiences others have shared with me. I'm not an expert, and mostly the stuff I write within these posts are my opinion. I normally (when giving advice) try not to base stuff off opinion, but facts. I realize though that in the world of dating there is more opinion than actual facts. I honestly don't think there are experts on how a person can effectively navigate the dating scene, but I do believe that some people give some really great advice. I'm hoping that I can become one of those people who gives good advice on dating and that I actually get out there again as well. Yeah if you haven't read the past posts I've had some Dating PTSD.

I'm hoping in the New Year that I can really improve my blogging skills, get some more people reading and commenting; especially commenting (smile), but most of all that the stuff I blog about is helpful to someone.

Happy New Year

References

DSM-IV-TR 4th Edition, 2000, American Psychiatric Association

Today I ate some SOS, watched Blood and Chocolate, got my haircut, and washed clothes. Tonight I will be going to this bar called the Fish Market for a friend's party. I'm excited about hanging out. What shall I do tomorrow? I don't even know.

I have often been told that I look better with a haircut. I myself believe I look great either way, with a curly bush and a face full of hair, or with a nice hair cut and a clean shave. Today I got my haircut and I have to say the look is totally different. It just amazes me that within 15 to 20 minutes of sitting down in the barber's chair how different I look once the clippers where shut off. I came home and looked in the mirror; I began to wonder how great it would be if I could make changes in my life as quickly as I changed the style of my hair. I want to make so many changes, but as they say change takes time. I just really want to be a different person, a different man, a better Christian, or even just a better man. I guess it can happen if I really want it to, but these changes will take time and commitment.

How I Wish Change Was Like A Haircut!!!!

Entry 13-


Wikipedia defines sex as being: a process of combining and mixing genetic traits, often resulting in the specialization of organisms into male and female types (or sexes). Ok so this is not what I've been fighting against or thinking about constantly. So I looked up sexual intercourse. Wikipedia defines sexual intercourse in its biological sense, is the act in which the male reproductive organ (in humans and other higher animals) enters the female reproductive tract, called copulation or coitus in other reference. Furthermore Wikipedia gives some functions that sex serves beyond reproduction. Wikipedia states that Sex as exercise burns calories to produce health benefits. Sex relieves stress, boosts the immune system with higher levels of immunoglobulin A, improves cardiovascular health, increases self-esteem, improves intimacy, reduces pain by production of the hormone oxytocin, reduces the risk of prostate cancer, strengthens pelvic muscles, and promotes good sleep. In addition, sex improves the sense of smell and urinary bladder control. However, sexual behavior can be a disease vector. Safe sex is a relevant harm reduction philosophy.


Wow with all these great benefits why is sex so bad? Why am I staying away from these great benefits, besides the obvious risk factors of disease, unwanted pregnancy, and emotional/spiritual scarring that may occur. Why have I decided to wait? Is it because God thinks sex is bad. No God doesn't think sex is bad, He created it and He also said that He would bless it. So that means He will take something good and make it even better??? Wow! But he asks that we wait until we are married before diving into this wonderful gift. This is so you won't have to deal with the disease, the emotional and spiritual scarring, and the suffering that comes along with having sex outside of marriage. *(I do understand that married people deal with the negatives as well, but it maybe because those individuals aren't following the plan God has for those who are married). He desires that you get married and you can freely enjoy the gift of sexual intercourse with your husband or your wife; also you can enjoy the benefits outlined above.


So what is this journal entry all about. Well this is the battle that I'm constantly fighting with. It seems that I can't stop dreaming about sex, thinking about sex, wanting sex, and craving it. The battle has become increasingly difficult readers. Apart of it is that I'm just determined to do things my way, but shoot my mind is constantly clouded with thoughts of holding a beautiful woman in my arms and we enjoying ourselves to every carnal pleasure imaginable (with limits of course). But I know this isn't what God has planned for me and of course I also know that feeling guilty is not something I enjoy.


Sometimes I feel that maybe I shouldn't have announced that I was officially going to be celibate. The battle wasn't this hard when I was celibate-but-not-on-purpose lol, but I guess there is a huge difference between a dry spell (not getting any cause your game is whack lol) and making a decision to honor God's request/desire to wait until I'm married until having sex. Some people (even Christian individuals) have looked at me like I was crazy for deciding to be celibate and I'm like dang family can I get some support lol. (Not everybody though my closest friends have been a huge encouragement to me). I just need to stop playing around with this and truly spend time in prayer, reading my Word, and being careful what I put into my mind (Californication, The L Word, The Tudors, Crash (TV series), and stay away from late night cable (Real Sex and Zane Sex Chronicles). Yeah it's that serious.


1 Corinthians 6:15-20 (King James Version)


15Know ye not that your bodies are the members of Christ? shall I then take the members of Christ, and make them the members of an harlot? God forbid.


16What? know ye not that he which is joined to an harlot is one body? for two, saith he, shall be one flesh.

17But he that is joined unto the Lord is one spirit.


18Flee fornication. Every sin that a man doeth is without the body; but he that committeth fornication sinneth against his own body.

19What? know ye not that your body is the temple of the Holy Ghost which is in you, which ye have of God, and ye are not your own?


20For ye are bought with a price: therefore glorify God in your body, and in your spirit, which are God's.


Hebrews 13:4 (King James Version)

4Marriage is honourable in all, and the bed undefiled: but whoremongers and adulterers God will judge.

Ephesians 5:30-32 (King James Version)

30For we are members of his body, of his flesh, and of his bones.

31For this cause shall a man leave his father and mother, and shall be joined unto his wife, and they two shall be one flesh.


32This is a great mystery: but I speak concerning Christ and the church.


I must fight! I must run!!! I must remain celibate!!!

I John 1:9- If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins, and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.


I want to walk in real repentance. I truly want to receive the free gift of forgiveness that God is willing to give to us. I don't understand how He is able to forgive me, how he is able to look past all the wrong that I've done, but He freely gives forgiveness to me. Ladies and Gentlemen I went to church today and I really was down; especially knowing the things I've done in secret, but the message that my pastor preached today really spoke into my life. Well it started when the people began to worship God through their hurt. Right after altar call people just started to praise God, I wanted to sit down and not even open my mouth, but to hear the sincere praise and worship from the people of God moved me to begin to confess to God, to open my mouth, to just worship Him. I felt so free. I know that I'm prone to fall, but this time around I'm hoping that I won't fall so freely. I'm hoping that this time around I will flee from temptation, I would read and study the Word, and I would begin to pray. I'm so amazed that Christ would love me enough to give his life for me; no he gave his life to the entire world, and the most powerful part about it is that he gave it for free. Furthermore he doesn't force himself on anyone, you choose Christ, you choose to live forever, you choose the Son of God, or you don't. I pray that people would choose Him and that the Christians around the world would begin to present the true loving Christ. The compassionate Christ, the forgiving Christ, the saving Christ, the kind Christ, the Christ that speaks to the Father on our behalf, and the Jesus Christ that told us to love your neighbor as you love yourself.

The forgiveness that I need is the one that comes from above... Forgive me Lord Jesus for all my sins. Whether sins of thought, word, or deed; Father God the Forgiveness I need is the forgiveness that comes from You.

II Peter 3:9-10: The Lord is not slack concerning his promise, as some men count slackness, but is longsuffering to us-ward, not willing that any should perish, but that all should come to repentance. (10)- But the day of the Lord will come as a thief in the night: in the which the heavens shall pass away with a great noise, and the elements shall melt with fervent heat, the earth also and the works that are therein shall be burned up.

Just wanted to share the types people I've dated. Going to try and keep this as anonymous as I can lol. These are real cases and real women in whom I've dated, talked to, or was in a relationship limbo with.

The Double dipper: This one I've known for a long time. We were a couple back in the day, but it didn't work out. Anyway she called me after a few years and told me how unhappy she was we didn't work out and that she would love for us to become an item again. Now I was extremely desperate to be in a relationship; as well as at the time to get some action (pre-celibacy decision). Well of course we talked about getting back together and it sounded like she was more mature. Guys and girls it sounded as if she was ready for a serious relationship until she said this: "jwriter I want to be clear that I'm in an open relationship and I want to know if you would be my other boyfriend as well," Of course I stared at the phone in disbelief. Did she honestly think I was willing to be in a relationship with her, while she dated someone else? This last statement is what made me hang up on her immediately: "At least this time around I wouldn't be doing things behind your back," Of course I didn't entertain this and realized she hadn't matured, but instead her game just evolved.

The Damsel In Distress: Of course if you haven't learned this about me I'm a magnet for women who seem to be having troubles or relationship issues. This one I met in college. No one knew about her, because I didn't talk much about her. I always get these women who start to like me after I stay up late nights talking to them, comforting them, praying for them, helping them financially, holding their hands through the hard times. A Superman so to speak. Well this one only wanted to be with me if I continued to be Superman, unfortunately I was unable to save her due to my own need to be saved. Needless to say after a few dates which ended in arguments of why I've changed; with me saying I haven't changed you just don't need to be saved by me anymore, she dumped me for the dark knight real fast lol.

Multiple- Emotionally-Unavailable- Woman: Oh this is not just one woman alone, but a mutant who has the ability to not only clone themselves, but also to make these clones come in different shapes and sizes. These women are almost everything I'm looking for in a woman: Smart, funny, confident, loves God, and is very interested in me. I think I hear you asking yourself, "Ok so what's the problem," I'll tell you they are in a emotional relationship with someone else or I'm the PLACEHOLDER. I try my very best not to curse, but these women are @%!&@&^**&^@ in my life and I wish they would stop the madness and not waste my time.

I LOVE SEX TOO MUCH: This girl I'm not really mad at so much, but it just disturbed me kind of that we stop dating because I decided to not be sexually active anymore. (Note her and I never had sex, but I guess she kept it in the back of her mind) Anyway things were going great with her. I love conversation (She could hold one), I love to laugh (she did too), I love watching movies and relaxing (she was the queen), and we hung out like crazy. Here's when things went down hill. I told her that I was considering celibacy. She immediately said that as much as she liked me she didn't think she could be in a relationship with no intimacy. We argued back in forth about what intimacy really was (me saying that sexual intercourse and intimacy are not the same or in other words you can have one without the other), (she on the other hand felt that they are and that a relationship can't stand when sex is not in the equation). She further proved that she wasn't "right" for me because she said she didn't think I would be able to maintain my celibacy. I'm hoping to prove her wrong. I really thought that this was going to be the relationship for me, but I was wrong.

bigBUTeasyonethe eyes: As the name suggest she was a big girl, but she was beautiful. She was nice, kind, and we really enjoyed each others company. The problem was she didn't have a lot of confidence and I spent a lot of time trying to get her to stop putting herself down. She also was unable to come to grips with the fact that I really liked her. Of course I'm not telling the whole truth, but for the sake of anonymity I can't reveal the deeper reasons why I didn't pursue this; although I will say that her lack of confidence really was a turn off.


Friendzoner: This is the one I think I could have had a great relationship, but unfortunately she entered the realm of permanent friend. I was into her and she was into me, but we decided to be friends first. Good choice, but we turned the chemistry button off and nothing was flowing. She became a true friend and I couldn't turn the chemistry back on. I can't talk about this one for two long because I kind of regret my decision. I could be happy right now, but I didn't take a risk, I punked out, and I let a good one become a friendzoner. I turned into the very person I dislike, "You're a great woman and all, but I think we are better off as friends," Stupid stupid jwriter.

The Great Teaser: There are a few of these that I've dated, but one in particular I feel gets a kick of dangling the prospect of a relationship over my head. Again there are a few of these I've dated, but this one has some kind of hold over me and deep down I'm loving it. On the surface it pisses me off, but deep down I get a sick thrill out of it. I want to be with her so bad, but I know she is no good for me; especially since she knows how I feel. Dang I want to use a lot of profane language on this one. LOL

I'm actually getting depressed reading this so I will stop here. I'm not dating anyone right now, but I'm going to get back out there soon. I will write more about my experiences, but tell me what you think so far.

Read, Comment, Discuss.

This is a comment I left on this really cool blogger's post called: "The Call Out", the blog is really good. Anyway here is the comment I left:


Dang man I ask my self the same question. Why am I not the guy? I'm always told I'm everything they want in another man in a round about way... If I go to school to get my PhD. my thesis will be about the "dog gene" the gene that some men are born with, to have no good qualities at all, but yet they get all the women. Shoot they may have great qualities but like being players and dogs. Then there's me and maybe a percentage of other guys who have the propensity be dogs/players, but honestly they weren't born with the "dog gene" and are just good guys. Or maybe I'm delusional and I just might not be as attractive as I think I am. (This is going on my blog as a post lol)

Man I almost don't know what to write as I sit down in front of my computer. I took this week off from life period and I've just watched tv, played some video games, and chilled. Something I really haven't been able to do in about five months.

At the same time I've been living inside my mind and honestly my fellow bloggers, it is very dark in there. I'm troubled, but I can't seem to put my finger on what I'm troubled about. Yes I do, I'm just afraid to say it out loud because I sound weak. I'm all about trying to truly become this honest and open person I've always proclaimed to be, so here I go. Just to be clear this blog is for people to read and comment, but for real this is my therapy, and this is the place where I'm not control by social constructs and the societal gender role of a male not being able to show emotions.

My physical life sucks. What I mean by physical life is not sexual, but more of the in the flesh perspective. I really don't have the money to do what I want to do, I can't hang out like I want, my car was totalled, and I pray that after I graduate from school that the things I want in life come to me real fast. I need a peace of mind literally and I know for sure that money doesn't buy you happiness or at least eternal happiness, but I hope it does bring me some peace of mind.

My spiritual life is confused. I can't even begin to explain the turmoil that I'm facing, and a lot of it is what I've caused. I've been so caught up on the things of this earth, I've forgotten about the relationship I have with Christ. I've been in this spiritual depression for years now, and honestly I don't know how to get out of it. I'm miserable and it has nothing to do with God, or Christ, or my Church, but everything to do with me. I want it all and I want it all now. And honestly the problem I'm facing is that I don't want to give up anything in order to gain all the blessings Christ has promised to me. I want to continue to live like I want and also be blessed by God. I know this is not healthy, nor is it a reality, but this is what I'm facing.

Dating life- I don't have one. Mostly I don't have the time, nor the money to cultivate a dating lifestyle as much as I want one. I chose school over making good money and dating. Again a complaint that hopefully will end once school ends. Now if this complaint continues pass then it is all my fault for not having one. Also I can't find a woman on my level... I'll explain in detail on another post, but it has been difficult finding someone who is honest with themselves on whether or not they are attracted to me and everything that is me. They try it out, but for the most part they only see me as a friend, want me to be their male girlfriend LOL, say that I'm a nice guy and they don't want to ruin me (which I appreciate, but at the same time dag good guys need love too, ruin me I can handle it lol), or they change on me once we start dating. I don't know, maybe I need to find a new venue on where I meet women lol, but again as much as people don't want to admit it money makes the world go round. Shoot maybe the source of my problem is that I keep telling people I'm in grad school and they equate that to having no money LMBO. Maybe that is why I don't have a dating life. Maybe I need to shut my mouth about being in school and not really having the time to work as much as I would like too. LOL.

So their is my complaint list that I've finally got out in the open. Sounds kind of stupid when I put it down on paper lol, but it is what it is and I hope that I can get through this. So I can have the will to move on.

Read on readers...

I wonder my faithful readers if you've ever heard of the unconscious mind? Have you heard the theory that the unconscious mind is what motivates all of our actions or in other words every action has an unconscious motive behind it?

I'll give you an example of what I'm talking about. Imagine a man who is unhappy with his marriage because his wife talks down to him. He is hurt because she talks down to him, but on an unconscious level he stays with her because he unconsciously is attracted to women who put him down. Does this sound crazy or is this quite possible? I think it maybe, but honestly I'm not certain. I do know that I have a theory; not of my mind having unconscious motives, but my heart.

For some reason, whether it is just bad choices, bad luck, or an unconscious motive; I seem to always fall for or choose women who are either unavailable on a commitment level, emotional level, or even a level that is remotely comprehensible. I don't know, but it is my theory that my heart unconsciously melts when a woman that is unattainable crosses my path. And when she does she becomes the center of my attention, even after I find out she may still be in love with her ex, she only likes me one-fourth as much as I may like her, or I'm only friend material, but she doesn't know how to tell me. After all this blogspot, I still get head over hills for them, and I purpose in my heart to make up for whatever I'm lacking or what their ex's may have lacked thereof, but the truth is their heart wants what their heart wants; I on the other hand end up having to move on or wallow in self pity.

Maybe my unconscious heart was created for when I was young and felt that my mother's love was somewhat unavailable to me. Now don't get me wrong my mother loved me and still does; I love my mother with all my heart, but when I was younger I did feel...well that's the past. Wherever this unconscious motive of the cardiovascular type came from, I will say that it needs to pass and I need to get my life together. Cause a broken heart is no fun.

A Poem

A Broken Heart.
It Happens by bigerdan

I've never felt so numb before
I guess I've had enough
It could be a shock as well to realize how shallow our love is..
My love is fading,
I can't feel anything anymore
No, I don't hate him
Deep inside i know i still care..
The special feeling fades
As he revealed his true colors to me
I didn't know how unimportant I am to him,
until that day
I've never felt so embarrassed and little in my whole life
I don't know if there's still a chance for us,
only time will tell
And you know to my surprise, in just one day,
it happens...
just like that...
My love just fades away...

I haven't done a So post in a while.

I've just been wondering why am I unable to look into myself pass the superficial borders of my mind and heart. I've stated in the previous post that I'm having some self-concept issues, but for some reason I'm unable to look deep within myself and question it. My defenses are up against myself and I run from trying to dig deeper. Maybe I'm afraid of what I might find, that I might not like what I find. I love myself there is no doubt about it, but there is something deeper going on. I know it is, but like this post I'm going in circles. It is so easy for us as human beings to look at other people problems, give advice, think what they need to do, and sometimes even pass judgment, but it isn't always easy for us to look inwardly and question our own self.

A lot of us have so much sadness within ourselves, but we won't deal with it.

Many of us have so much anger on the inside, but we won't deal with it.

Many of us have so much hurt that is built up in our hearts and minds, but we won't deal with it.

Many of us have so much Darkness that has enveloped our very core, but we won't deal with it.

Some of us are so comfortable in self-loathing that dealing with it would strip us of who we are or at least think we are; for that I say deal with it.

I don't know what it is with me (that's a lie), but I know that I have to deal with it. The first step is admiting that there is something wrong. I've done just that with this post.

Thanks for reading... so

Entry 12

In the last two weeks I'm beginning to lose my grip on remaining celibate from everything. No I haven't sinned and had sex, I'm still determined to not have sex again until I'm married, but I'm not working to build my defenses against the temptations my mind, body, and the devil are building against me. A huge part of it is my past and how I allowed sex and sexual gratification to rule over me. Another part is my laziness, or my overall need not to do any work, but to just watch tv, play video games, and hang out with my friends. I read my Bible, but I don't study it. I pray but only in the morning and before bed. (fasting is a whole other story)! I know that I can't win this fight against my flesh if I don't build these defenses.

I've also discovered that I had to check my motives behind this decision. It was a cry for attention (not just from God who can see through my bull) but attention from people, acceptance, a need to escape the fact that I really don't have a high self-concept that I put off. To announce that I'm celibate to the online world (was one way to expose myself and put the sin of committing fornication and watching pornography), but honestly it was for me to have people focus their attention on something -Great- I was doing and for me not to look at the hurt I was feeling. For me to escape my loneliness and frustration of not having successful relationships or dating interactions (Dating PTSD LOL).

In light of my recent mistakes and falling I know that I have to get the right motives for my decision to become celibate, get right with God, repent, and work on re-building my self-concept.
Celibacy is not a burden, but the right decision.

It was not long ago that I made up in my mind that the ideal relationship was one without arguments. Now I do understand that there will be disagreements or debates, but I looked at arguments as negative and unhealthy; I didn't want to have any at all. We could disagree, but we don't have to argue. Well my bubble was popped and I've come to the conclusion now that even the healthiest of relationships will have arguments, but you can have arguments that will help build the relationship and not destroy it. How can this happen?

This can happen:

1. If both individuals have an understanding that they are individuals, individuals who have different thoughts, feelings, opinions, and perspectives on dealing with life situations.
2. If you have worked and are both continuing to work on building strong communication skills and practices. This includes listening to what the other person is saying, repeating back to the person what they have said, and trying to gain an understanding of why they are saying it. "Listening doesn't mean you are quiet and waiting for them to finish so you can have your turn just to dispute what they have said." Don't listen just to build your defense or your argument.
3. Say what you mean or state what you are really feeling. Be honest. Don't beat around the bush.
4. Don't just focus on what they did wrong, but try stating or understanding of where you may have fallen short.
5. Try your best not to belittle the person or put them down i.e. "you're stupid", "you're not a good person", "you make me sick," etc.
6. Stay away from saying things like you "never" or you "always". Try and pinpoint what has brought up the argument and come up with solutions together. Also try not to bring up the past or arguments that have already occurred.
7. Try your best to remain calm, refrain from yelling, screaming at one another, and learn to admit when you are wrong. Also learn to forgive and to move forward.

In dating do you find yourself with PTSD? LOL ;)

• A woman who wants me. There's no question in her mind that I'm the man for her.

• A woman who is whole and doesn't need me to make her whole, but wants me to compliment her wholeness. (I will also be a whole person and she will compliment me).

• A woman who has a relationship with Jesus Christ.

• A woman who can pray for me.

• A woman that will worship with me.

• A woman who respects me and who wants to be respected.

• A woman who will be honest with me no matter what.

• A woman who has my back and will be there for me, especially when I need her the most.

• And I have to become the man that will be able to love, honor, and cherish a woman with these qualities.

Oh Freedom!
Oh Freedom I call for you!
Not in chains this black man is no longer in.
Not in the oppression of another race’s self-proclaimed superiority.
My own people we enslave ourselves, kill ourselves, rape ourselves of our own freedom, our own culture, we forget our own history.

Whom the Son sets free is free indeed!
The Senate passed it on April 8th, 1864
The House of Representatives on January 31st, 1865
The 13th Amendment stated that, “Neither slavery nor involuntary servitude, except as a punishment for crime whereof the party shall have been duly convicted, shall exist within the United States, or any place subject to their jurisdiction,” and yet my African Americans, and yet my beautiful people, and yet the children of those who fought so bravely for this freedom, we continue to stay in these chains of our own self ignorance.
The chains of sin bind us because we will not hear God’s words, nor read it, nor cling
to the sense of family our ancestors once embraced. Survival of the fittest and every African Amer-ri-can black man for themselves.

Don’t you hear freedom crying?
Can’t you see her tears?
Why sit in the back of the bus, not teach our children morals, instill in them values?
Why not teach them the lessons that were taught to us of self-worth, of love, of great power?
Power of the words we read, the power within the pen,
the power to love one another, to honor God, and be proud of their skin?

Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. said, “In a sense we have come to our nation's capital to cash a check. When the architects of our republic wrote the magnificent words of the Constitution and the Declaration of Independence, they were signing a promissory note to which every American was to fall heir. This note was a promise that all men, yes, black men as well as white men, would be guaranteed the unalienable rights of life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness,” and yet we spit upon these rights every day.

Black mothers are unhappy for there are not strong Black men to raise their sons; who die on the street daily, in alleys, in gutters, all with the power of another Black man’s gun. Black daughters are in need of lessons to be virtuous woman proud and strong. Not to be mistreated, abused, and pregnant at an early age, or left to figure out the world on their own. Is this the unalienable rights of life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness the slaves died for and the colored people of yesterday marched for?

Or maybe my perception is off. And I’m the one who’s blind. Or today will we make a change and continue the fight for freedom our ancestors once fought for.

Cry out like Maya Angelou and proclaim that you are free:
“Did you want to see me broken? Bowed head and lowered eyes?Shoulders falling down like teardrops. Weakened by my soulful cries. You may shoot me with your words, You may cut me with your eyes, You may kill me with your hatefulness, But still, like air, I'll rise. Out of the huts of history's shame I rise Up from a past that's rooted in pain I rise I'm a black ocean, leaping and wide,Welling and swelling I bear in the tide.Leaving behind nights of terror and fear I rise Into a daybreak that's wondrously clear I rise Bringing the gifts that my ancestors gave,I am the dream and the hope of the slave. I rise I rise I rise,”

Will we rise and make our dreams come true?
To break free from the chains of modern day.
To take the opportunities to better ourselves, our family, friends, and
no longer become negative statistics or keep our own people in bondage.
It starts with Jesus and the freedom that he brings.
It starts with forgiveness, with love, healing, and family.
Look at yourself and ask the question did I set one of my brother and sisters free to day
with my actions or words. Or did I further strengthen the iron in the chains the enemy has placed on them.

Oh Freedom I call for you.
No Lord Jesus I call for you.
Before I be a modern day slave
Lord I’ll be buried in my grave.
Jesus my freedom set my people free.

Key Scriptures:


Romans 5:7-8: 7For scarcely for a righteous man will one die: yet peradventure for a good man some would even dare to die. 8But God commendeth his love toward us, in that, while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us. (Unconditional Love)

John 3:16: For God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in him should not perish, but have everlasting life. (Giving)


Subject: If You Liked It Then You Should Have Put A Ring On It.

So I know that some of you are wondering, “why in the world is the title of his topic, the chorus for that new Beyonce’ song.” Well let me bring a cure for your curiosity. Besides it being one of the greatest videos made for a man. Let me just be clear, Beyonce made this video for men and believe me I know I’m not the only man that thinks so. Now it has a message of empowerment to women and a warning to men, but to get the man’s undivided attention Beyonce is anything less than subtle. She shows us what we want to see, but she makes it very clear that if you liked it you should have put a ring on it. Signifying that; all of this could have been yours (whoever the idiot that let her go was) just by making a commitment.


So I took a queue from Beyonce and put it into a spiritual perspective; I feel that God is looking for us (whether you’re a sinner, or a Christian) to commit to being in a relationship with Him. And like Beyonce has done in her video, God is laying everything out on the table or in other words; through the scriptures I will share, God is saying if you like what you hear, if you want the blessings I will give to you, and if you want me to make you whole and for heaven to be your home, than you have to put a ring (commit to me, make a promise) on it.

So what should someone interested in being in a relationship with you bring to the table?

God brings (Unconditional Love to the Table) - Romans 5:7-8. Now isn’t that amazing that God; despite our past, loves us enough to not care about where we’ve been, how mean we are, how much money we make, how good our grades are, if our shoes are new, fresh hair cut or hair do, smelling all nice, no God accepts us for who we are and even while we were in sin Christ died for us.


God is a GIVER- (John 3:16) - How many people have encountered someone in a relationship who was selfish? They want it their way or no way at all. So why are we not able to commit to the One who was willing to give His only Son to die for us? Oh we can commit to Lisa or to Bobby; who puts us down and only takes from us, and we will try everything in our power to make the relationship work; hoping that they will change. If you like what God is bringing to the relationship you better put a ring on it.

God is a LISTENER- Psalm 6:9- 9The LORD hath heard my supplication; the LORD will receive my prayer. OK who in this room wants someone to listen to them? To ask you how your day is going and actually sit down and listen to you talk about your day? Well God will do just that and more. He is not only willing to listen to whatever you have to say, but he is willing to do something with the information. He takes action.
Are you still not convinced to make a promise to a fulfilling relationship with God? Ok I will give you some more reasons why you need to put a ring on it.


God is FAITHFUL And FORGIVING-I John 1:9- 9If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins, and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness. (Do I need to even go into wanting to be in a relationship where you know you both will be faithful?) If you still don’t like it and won’t put a ring on it. God is still willing to be faithful even when were unfaithful to Him.

Shoot if you won’t put a ring on this relationship let me talk to someone that will.


God is a PROVIDER- John 14:2- In my Father's house are many mansions: if it were not so, I would have told you. I go to prepare a place for you. He’s going to provide a personalized mansion for you. (Forget living in an apartment or a house, God’s got it so good and loves us so much He is building a mansion just for you) Still don’t want to commit ok how about this.
Philippians 4:19- 19But my God shall supply all your need according to his riches in glory by Christ Jesus.


Please if you like it then please put a ring on it. See some people don’t have any standards, so this kind of relationship won’t appeal to everybody, but for those of us that understand you’re not going to easily find a man or a woman to do all of this and still tolerate our imperfections, to deal with us when we’re not in the best of moods, to take care us when we are sick, to help pay our bills, oh somebody is feeling me up in here.

God is a PROTECTOR- Psalm 91:1-2 1He that dwelleth in the secret place of the most High shall abide under the shadow of the Almighty. 2I will say of the LORD, He is my refuge and my fortress: my God; in him will I trust. Psalm 3:3- But thou, O LORD, art a shield for me; my glory, and the lifter up of mine head.

If you like it then put a ring on it.


Finally God brings EMOTIONS- God has emotions that he expresses. He gets happy, he gets sad, but He also gets jealous. No for real God is so passionate about us, He is passionate about us spending time with Him; that when we put other people first, when we love our materials more, we love our money more, our TV shows, our jobs, or we put other gods before Him; He gets jealous. Exodus 20:5- Thou shalt not bow down thyself to them, nor serve them: for I the LORD thy God am a jealous God, visiting the iniquity of the fathers upon the children unto the third and fourth generation of them that hate me.

So maybe I still haven’t convinced you that being in a committed relationship with God is worth it; study these scriptures I’ve given you and see for yourself whether or not God is the perfect choice.


But please don’t wait until it is too late for you to make the decision to choose Christ. You really don’t want to be caught in heaven without making a commitment to follow Christ and God saying “If you liked it you should have put a ring on it,”

Entry 5-

I just spent the last few hours fighting not to give into temptation. It was difficult today. Why is this such a difficult course. I guess just doing something so great is meant to be met with great challenge.

But I'm happy with my decision, but deep down in the midst of the prayer, the resisting, and the overcoming; deep within I wanted to give in...I'm listening to Jill Scott's Celibacy Blues.Lord

Jesus give me strength!

So I just wanted to update everyone and let them know that my blog has changed. I've combined my two blogs into one and my blog's web address is joe4chirst.blogspot.com I hope you guys are still able to enjoy. Thanks and please read and comment.

GOD I just want to tell you that I love you!

Thank you for everything and all that you are!

Thank you for your SON JESUS the CHRIST!THANK YOU FOR DYING FOR ME LORD JESUS!!!

God I just want to tell you that I love you.

Entry 10-

OK so I need to be honest about some things. I've been more unhappy with being celibate than happy about being celibate.I've relapsed into some old habits of visual and physical self-gratification (email me if you need me to spell it out for you)I've been wanting to quit being celibate so that I can do what I want...seeing as though everybody else in the world seems to be able to do what they want.I'm tired of all the responsibility and I just want to cut loose.(THIS ALL HAS HAPPENED WITHIN A MONTH)So I'm back trying to fix my life and start back again. I'm back in church from my two week break... being away from church has played a major role in my lack of defenses against my flesh, mind, and the devil. I've also identified that I need to put GOD FIRST!!! I need to really get into my Bible and read it. I also really need to surround myself around people who will encourage me in my state of celibacy and I need to continue to build up my defense: No Zane books or TV shows. (That new Sex Chronicles TV show on Cinemax is dangerous...don't watch it it will have you messed up), of course stay away from pornography in all forms even down to the movies that can be sexually explicit. Stop looking at women with my lustful eyes (oh this is my greatest downfall), watch my mouth and conversations (even dirty talk over text messaging). Finally I need to stay prayed up and keep my eyes fixed towards living a life pleasing in the eyes of my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ.I'm happy I've made the decision to be celibate and to work on not pleasing my flesh or compromising at all to fulfill my need for sexual gratification in other ways. If you know Christ and you know how to pray please keep me lifted up.

"I rather live my life believing there is a God and find out it isn't one, then to live my life not believing in God and find out He was real," Anonymous

I can't understand why God loves me the way He does? I mean He loves me... me people...And what's really sad about it is that He means it. God's love isn't artificial like the love we crave from another person... Now I'm not saying all human to human love is artificial, but it seems to me that we fight for that kind of love more than the love that God offers freely to us. No strings attached kind of love.I just discovered that I'm a cheater. I should really be on one of those shows where they catch you cheating. I know people who know me will say no not Joe, well to a woman I'm dating no I wouldn't step out on her with another woman, but one person I'm not committed to is My Lord and Savior.

I don't spend anytime with Him for real and most things come first before my personal time I'm supposed to spend with Him. Now some of you are saying.. Joe you go to church every Sunday, your facebook and myspace reflect how much in love you are with God, Joe you're 24 years old and you're sold out for Christ. And all this maybe true, but it's the stuff you don't see that matters more.I need to change and the first step for me is revealing that I don't have it all together and there is some work that needs to be done. I do have so much love for God, but I have to put that love and commitment before everything and everyone else in order to be fully dedicated to Him.

I just felt like writing...

Entry 9

You know all I've written in this journal is how sad or how hard it's been being celibate. The purpose of this journal was to encourage others not to discourage them. So here it is this entry will tell you about the stuff I haven't said. The good stuff.

I'm not guilty!!! When I go to church or when I'm praying I don't have to worry about repenting for the same sin (fornication). It feels good that I've finally made a decision to be stronger than my flesh, my sexual urges, and my lustful thoughts. I'm stronger.Other people are encouraged by my commitment to abstain from sex until I'm married. I've even met other young people who are determined to wait until they are married to have sex.

It is very encouraging to know that I'm stronger because of this decision. It is good to know that I don't have to worry about STD's, AIDS, HIV, or anything like that because I'm not doing anything. I feel empowered because I'm not driven to have sex to fit in or to feel like a man, but I'm willing to wait until the Lord sends me my wife that I can have all the blessed guilt free sex I want with. (A HUGE SMILE ON MY FACE).

I'm happy because I made the decision to wait and it wasn't forced on me.

Entry 8-

Joe you must not give up. (I'm writing this to myself) Although you've fallen in the past, God has given you another chance. You've made the decision to not have sex again until you are married. It is no longer a burden, but a blessing. A blessing because you're still alive to make the decision to live for God. Although people don't believe you can do it, press on despite everything. In the end when you stand before God in the judgment room, it will just be you and the Almighty. You won't be able to say I went back on my promise cause nobody believed I can do it. Put your trust in Him and not into the people around you, not into your flesh, not into sex, not into loneliness you may face, not into what the world says you should do, and not what people think a twenty something young man should be doing; no Joe put your trust in Jesus. You've made an awesome decision to wait for your wife. So give up everything that pertains to the flesh and live for Christ and His will.

Sincerely,

Joe

Romans 5:8- "But God commendeth his love toward us, in that, while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us,"

Now there are a lot of powerful scriptures in the Bible, but this one is one of my many favorite scriptures. I will probably have more blogs on it soon. I still can't believe that someone died for me. Like you see and you hear about it in movies, and occassionally you'll have someone heroic enough to do it in our time, but to have the Supreme Being come down from heaven, look at the past, present, and future of mankind, know all of our sins; to know that some of us will doubt him, that some of us will deny him, that some of us won't even believe in God; He's still said, "while they are yet sinners I will die to save them," I can't convince you to believe in Jesus Christ or that He really is the Way, The Truth, and THE LIFE, but I can tell you that I'm so glad that while I was a sinner, CHRIST DIED FOR ME! Guess what whether you believe it or not He died for you too.

Now tell me who is willing to die for you?

Entry 7-

Remain faithful! That's what I've been telling myself. I have to remain faithful to Christ, to my well-being, and to my word. I told myself that I wasn't going to have sex again until I'm married! I no longer need to be convinced of that, I'm determined to reach my goal, but my, the unconscious part of my mind is not convinced or doesn't want to give up without a fight.My dreams are getting hot and heavy if you know what I mean. Maybe you don't so I will spell it out for you. My dreams are getting more sexually explicit and dangerous. My automatic thoughts are more lustful and suggestive than ever before. Sometimes, my faithful readers, my conversations are even finding a way to become more sexually driven than ever before.So what do I do? I fight and I fight smart! I have to increase my prayer life and dive deep into the Word of God. Although I'm very lazy and consumed with school, the activities I participate at church, and trying to enjoy my life; I can't forget to spend time with God and preparing for battle each day.I've learned just because I declared that I wasn't going to participate in the physical action of sex anymore doesn't mean I can ignore the spiritual battle that is happening not just in the spirit realm, but also in my mind.

Joyful Suffering

Scripture: Romans 8:17- Now if we are children, then we are heirs-heirs of God and co-heirs with Christ, if indeed we share in his sufferings in order that we may share in his glory.

The title says joyful suffering, but how often do we rejoice when we suffer? How in the world can anyone tell you to be joyful or find pleasure in suffering; when most times suffering hurts? What kind of suffering is ever pleasurable? When do we as Christians ever say man I can’t wait to my storm comes, or I can’t wait till I become broke and penniless or even Lord send me some trials right now! Does this sound like something you would say? If it does after reading this send me an email, write me a letter, or schedule a dinner so we can meet and you can tell me how you do it! Suffering isn’t pleasant, suffering isn’t something that we want, and suffering isn’t something that God wants for us. So the question is why do we SUFFER?I can give you many answers to this question, I don’t know, because the world is evil, because we did something wrong, and whatever else the human mind can possibly try to come up with to logically explain why the Christian suffers. What I want to do is give you some biblical reasons why we suffer and what we have to do when we suffer.

The first reason that we suffer I believe is that we are to be Christ-like! People think that this means that we only have to go to church like Jesus did, know the scriptures like Jesus did, be baptized like Jesus was, and turn the other cheek if someone slaps you. Well the truth is we are, but often times we don’t do this, but suffering, temptations, and trails we don’t ask for; yet they still come. Well Jesus didn’t ask for his sufferings either! Jesus did not ask to be tempted by the devil, or to be nailed on the cross, but He did suffer those things, and what did they do? Jesus’ suffering made God proud to call him His son. God was pleased with Jesus, for accepting the suffering that was to come, and pushing through it. Also Jesus’ suffering gave him all power, and that same power we can have, but we can’t expect to share in His power and his glory, if we are not willing to suffer as well.I also believe we suffer so that we can become stronger. Let me say that we can’t keep complaining when suffering or trails come, because we miss what we were supposed to learn when we do. We spend all of our time during our storms complaining about them; we miss what we were supposed to learn. We miss what we were supposed to gain from this storm or this trail. We miss the power God was trying to give us from this storm, because we did not focus on him, but we focused on the storm. And if the truth be told that’s why most of us are still in our storms, because we are not willing to change our focus from our suffering, and put our focus on God who can bring you through it.

Stop letting your storms go to waste! If you know God can bring you out then trust in that! If you read the rest of Romans chapter 8 you’ll see that all though you suffer you become more than a conqueror.The last reason I think we suffer is so that we can learn to praise God no matter what, and that we prepare to reap the glory or the fruits of our sufferings. I often here preachers say it is easy to praise God when things are going good, but can you do it in the midst of your storms. Paul says in Romans chapter 5 verses 3-4, “Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance, and perseverance character, and character hope,” Paul says this not out of inexperience, but he knew great suffering and he ended up writing almost half of what we call the New Testament of God’s word.The biggest thing that I got out of the scripture above is that we should never isolate ourselves in our sufferings. Notice that in both scriptures that it says we share in his sufferings, and we also rejoice in our sufferings.

So stop suffering on your own, don’t give the devil the power to conquer you, because you want to be depressed and handle things by yourself. Get you some friends to pray with you, to fast with you, and to praise with you; not because you are suffering, but that you’re going to come out stronger because of it. Sorry this was so long, but this is speaking into my life as well.Be blessed and through Christ’s sufferings, “God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were yet sinners, Christ died for us,” Romans 5:8.

Entry 6

It has been awhile since I've updated my journal. A part of it stems from the fact that I've kind of lost my excitement for posting about my celibacy. The initial shock is gone and I'm afraid that people will lose interest. Then I thought about my reason for doing it. It isn't about my feelings, but it is about sharing my story with the world so they can come to know Christ. Its also about showing people that Christians are not perfect and that we make mistakes. The difference should be that we shouldn't keep sinning, but that we should repent and turn away from the sin and back to God.So for the past couple of nights I've found myself wanting to turn back. My dreams have become more vivid and my thoughts more lustful. I've had to pray not to give into the temptation of having sex, staying away from situations that would lead me down such roads, and pray that I don't find other ways to please my flesh sexually (i.e. masturbation, pornography, lusting with my eyes and mind, etc.) I've been accomplishing this through the strength I get from God, prayer, self-control, and reading my word. Also school and my internship keeps me busy.I pray that someone will grow from this. I pray that I will not give in.

Prayer must work!!!

Sexual Healing

I'm reading this book called "Every Man's Battle" by Stephen Arterburn and Fred Stoeker. Now this book is talking about the battle that I can boldly say either all or most men have fought or they are still fighting. (THE BATTLE WITH SEXUAL INTEGRITY) I mean they don't hold anything back and nothing is taboo! It discusses lust, lust of the eyes, breast, butts, playboy, playboy channel, masturbation, sex before marriage, homosexuality, sexual addictions, adultery, adultery in the mind, etc. I'm serious everything that men face and how you can over come them.The title of this note or blog session shouldn't be sexual healing, but sexual destruction! Seriously something that was created to be special, powerful, mind-blowing, and yes even blessed; has been the destruction of so many people, so many ministries, and callings, because it has been perverted and people choose to ignore the truth. Sex is not meant for everyone…it was meant for those who are married and committed to one another.

The reason I entitled this sexual healing was so we can truly take a look at our own lives as Christians and if we are not walking in sexual purity, to start fresh. It is a struggle, it is a battle, but Christ is stronger!!! We must not allow our flesh to have control over us! We must crucify our flesh daily, capture those impure thoughts and cast them down, and seek God's instruction. We have to be careful what we put into our minds, the places we go, and the people we see!I don't have all the answers but I can share some scriptures that are helping me in my journey to strive and remain sexually pure.

Matthew 5:28, Acts 15:29, 1 Corinthians 6:13, 1 Corinthians 6:18, 1 Peter 4:3, and Hebrews 12:16. So after reading these scriptures and this note/blog tell me what you think. If you want to share scriptures or anything that will help feel free. Most of all I'm not passing judgment on anyone, but I want to put everything out on the table and hopefully save someone's life. And always if you don't know Christ or you are not sure where you're going to spend eternity when you die, please send me a message or hit me up so I can tell you about Jesus Christ. He's the only way to the Father. And Salvation doesn't cost you a thing.

Jesus is Real

Jesus is so real and so good. He made a way out no way. He provided when all other doors were closed. He has truly provided for me and I'm so grateful to know Him. He loves me and I'm so in love with Jesus Christ.

Entry 4-

I want to retract everything I just said... that's what I dreamt last night. My thoughts and dreams were filled with visions of me failing this test. Woman after woman throwing themselves at me and each time I gave in. These dreams were very sexually explicit.!!! I woke up in a sweat and prayed to God that he would keep me strong and protect my mind as I slept. I'm at peace with my decision in my spirit, but my flesh whom I've been friends with for a long time is not happy about it. My flesh is determined and always has been eager to watch me fail. Even some of the people I know have waited for me to fail and have said I will fail.Those who are reading this blog I need your prayers. This journey I will complete; I'm determined.

Joe's Celibacy Journal

Entry 3:

So as I've made this declaration of independence from the slavery that pleasing my flesh has brought. The attack and the struggle has gotten even more difficult!!! I've already lost some support and some people saying I won't make it.I've been to the altar so many times about sex and the guilt from all the wrong I've committed; it is time to try something different. If it wasn't a challenge it wouldn't be worth anything.Even a girl that I was interested in has changed her mind about me based on my decision to be celibate. I knew it wouldn't go anywhere between her and I and so I didn't take it hard at all.I just want to be a light in this world, but a genuine light. A true Christian that hasn't forgotten that I was once lost in sin. A man that realizes the struggle of trying to live right and can have compassion for those who haven't made that decision yet.In my mind and in my body I want to turn back, but my heart and my soul knows that this decision is for the best. I chose celibacy for me! Religion didn't force me it was a response to God's great love and even greater mercy.I will walk in this promise I've made to God and to myself.Let it be difficult or easy...

Joe's Celibacy Journal

Entry 2:

So here I am declaring to the world that I'm celibate. To be perfectly honest; this is the real celibacy and not the one I've been living. Look hands down I'm a Christian, I'm saved, and I love God, but I have messed up. I know God has forgiven me and I'm no longer ashamed, but the first reason why I've been celibate for the past two years hasn't been by choice. I haven't been a relationship and so therefore no sex.But as I've been growing in Christ and truly trying to make the decision to live for Him and not pretend. Joseph has made the true decision to flee fornication (sex before marriage). This is now a choice and not a matter of inconvenience. I want to find my good thing (wife), but I have to choose to live for Christ or live for the pleasures of this world.I'll talk a little bit more about this in later entries, but I just wanted to share some truth with you all.I Corinthians 10:8- Neither let us commit fornication, as some of them comitted, and fell in one day three and twenty thousand.

I Corinthians 6:18- Flee Fornication. Every sin that a man doeth is without the body, but he that comitteth fornication sinneth against his own body.I John 1:9- If we confess our sins; he is faith and just to forgive us our sins, and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.

Entry: 1

OK so as I've already stated I'm a Christian, but if I can be 100% honest I've not always made the right choices in life. But I've made the decision not to have sex again until I get married. Whoa... I know you guys are like why did he make this public. Well I need to journal about it, because it is a challenge, but also something I need to do for me. It is something I need to do to show the world that despite your past; God can and will forgive you! And that you have free will and can make decisions.

Day 1- (well technically this is the first day I've shared it online lol, but I've been celibate for about two years). It is a difficult journey, especially staying away from books, videos, magazines, and everything else that brings your mind to sex.I love to read, but I know to win this battle against my flesh... I have to stay away from certain books by certain authors. I also love television, but there are some TV shows that I must avoid.I know those reading this are like are you that weak???

The answer is YES!!!!I pray daily... God keep me strong and help me to make the right decisions.Oh I was looking in the dictionary and saw that celibacy has more than one definition. I'm not practicing the definition that says to remain unmarried... no I'm just abstaining from having sexual intercourse until I'm married.

Christ


John 3:16 says: For God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten Son. That whosoever believes in Him should not perish, but have everlasting life.If you don't have a relationship with Christ... get one. It has been a challenging road for me, but it has been a little easier to travel, because I have a relationship with Him.I was on my way to hell, but when I accepted Christ into my life peace entered and I know I have a home in heaven. You can have this as well and it won't cost you a thing.jwriter aka Joe

LOL

you fell for it again you stupid idiot. you just don't get enough of making yourself look stupid. it is always the same. you see a beautiful, sexy, and nice woman; you fall head over hills for her, then you get all mushy and weird. they get repulsed by you and they don't even want to look your way. you fall for it every time. you get all poetic too lol. confused are you...well if you just stay in where you're supposed to be...by yourself, then you won't have to deal with it. then you beat yourself up; just like your doing now. it isn't just her smile, but it's your own insecurities. your fear of enjoying being single. your fear that if you continue to enjoy being single you will be perpetually alone on the relationship front. you fall for their charms. their words that spill from their sexy lips they make you believe them. you're not enough. you have the personality they may want in a man, but you don't have the looks. you don't have the body. you can't protect them. your weak minded. look at you, shoot look at the words that you yourself are typing I'm typing them because I'm tired of beating myself up with these same words. Every time a relationship doesn't work or I don't get the person that I want; I start to destroy myself because somebody didn't want to be with me. So they didn't want to be with me SO WHAT!!! Its not the first nor the last time. The woman for me will come. And if she doesn't OK! So LOL to you.

LOL

Is it so wrong for me to want happiness?

Is it so wrong for me to love my friends and want them to love me back?

Is it so wrong for me to be myself, even if I'm loud, goofy, a little over the top, and I don't care what people think?

Is it so wrong for me to still like watching cartoons?

Is it wrong for me to want to hold on to people that I know maybe poison in my life?

Is it so wrong for me to be in touch with my emotions, but not wanting to be so emotional?

Is it wrong for me to just want to be a man full of pride and not wanting to care so much about how others view me? (This one is not me at all)

Is it wrong for me to not want to be a sensitive person?

Is it wrong for me to just want to run away from all responsibility?

Is it wrong for me to just want to punch all the people that hate on me in face?

Is it wrong for me for caring about people so much? (Yes YES It IS)

Is it wrong for me to want to be in love with a woman although it might not be in my future? (Sad isn't it)

Is it wrong for me to want to be a real life superhero (but to use my powers sometimes to get revenge)?

Is it wrong for me to want to eat all the food I want and not have to exercise? (YES)

Is it wrong to just want people to treat you the way they want to be treated?

Is it wrong for me to want to run away from all my problems?

I don't know what is wrong, but I do know that today I've learned a lot. I can't say enough that you have to be careful who you call your friends. Don't be so quick to call everyone your friend or to move an associate to the friend category. Just like an ex maybe an ex, an associate may only be meant to be an associate.

Live life, but live it smart.

How do you recover from dating your friend? Is it possible to go back to the friendship you once had; after a relationship with that person?

I don't have the absolute answer, but I can offer some from my perspective.

I think that it is possible, but here are some conditions:

1. You both must want to be friends after deciding to break up!
2. The relationship must have ended on good terms, or at least all bad blood should have been resolved.
3. You both have to work on the friendship. (It can't be a one way street. Both people must work on maintaining the friendship, especially if the friendship was strong before).
4. Hopefully you were still friends during the relationship. (Not as hard as people make it out to be).

Again this is not set in stone, nor does one intervention work for everybody, but it is important to note that friendships are still relationships that take (what's the word) WORK. Also friendships need to include:

• HONESTY
• COMMUNICATION
• UNDERSTANDING
• A DEGREE OF ACCEPTING THE PERSON FOR WHO THEY ARE AND NOT WHO YOU WANT THEM TO BE.
• KINDNESS
• PATIENCE
• LOVE
• WILLINGNESS TO FORGIVE (The cure all! I promise you LETTING GO is such a hard thing to do, but the results are PRICELESS)
• FIGHT FOR YOUR FRIENDSHIPS

Is it possible for two people who were friends to date? I don't know you tell me.

I can't believe how she makes me smile, how she makes me feel, and how I just feel like it is so real. It feels so right and it doesn't feel artificial. It feels so good to feel the way I do, that it seems like I can be friends and more; still be more and yet be great friends all at the same time. I can wait and yet waiting numbs me to the fact that I must wait. I dream. I hope. I wish. I continue to smile and breathe even through the fact that we may never be. I pray that the last sentence isn't true. I'm caught and dazed. I'm sucker punched, but yet I'm healed. I'm happy and I smile. I daydream and I hope. Love Rain...

Hope

Wish

Dream

REALITY

So I hope that the one I truly love will truly love me back...

So I hope that everyone will get to know Christ and embrace His love...

So I hope that gas prices continue to go down and people won't have to budget for gas anymore...

So I hope I can find my good thing...

So I hope I can finish school with a high GPA...

So I hope I can get a promising and rewarding career...

So I hope that I'm living a life pleasing to God...

So I hope all my friends are blessed and are blessed to be called my friends...

So I hope my parents prosper beyond anything I could ever hope...

So I hope that everyone can find a moment of complete happiness...

So I hope that people will not revert back to the primitive ways of racism and hatred...

So I hope that I can get the car I want and pay cash for it...

So I hope that I will meet new people and learn new things...

So I hope I can one day become a great writer...

So I hope I can achieve BLOG OF NOTE LOL...

So I hope that you've been given hope by one of my blog post...

So I hope to be a great man one day just by being who I am...

So I hope that I make it into heaven...

So I hope that homelessness would end in America...

So I hope to be loved...

So I hope to be wanted...

So I hope to be needed and need someone...

So I hope to be appreciated...

So I hope...

It happens almost everyday.

I get on the train, either listening to my ipod, or reading my Bible. I get on the train and I make eye contact; electrifying, mind-blowing, you-know-you-both-want-to-say-something-to-each-other eye contact, but one of us end up breaking off the transaction. We return to our regularly scheduled programs.

She's not the same every time. Today she was this pretty brown skin young lady, who happened to have a beautiful smile. Yesterday she was this pretty Spanish young woman with long flowing black hair. Last week she was this pretty blonde with bright blue eyes who was reading a book.
Different, but the same thing happens. I get on the train, we make eye contact, I smile, she smiles, but then that's it.

I'm not a shy person, nor am I a guy who lacks confidence in myself, but I never been one to approach a stranger in the way-guys-in-movies-or-in-real-life-are-able-to-just-walk-up-to-a-woman-with-the-purpose-of-asking-them-out-or-for-their-number. I've done it before, but only twice in my life. The rest of the time has been me getting to know them first, them asking me for my number, or over the email or written note. (Those tend to be my favorite).

But today I was upset and really wished I would have spoken up and said hi like I normally do. Today though I let her get off at her stop and watched her go by.

I can't explain it, but I know I needed to blog about it.

Does anyone else ever get dating ptsd when it comes to the approach?

As I sat with my family watching the decision to be made; a decision that could shake the very foundation of hatred, racism, and evilness this country has tried to hide for so long. A decision that has shown that America, even for a moment in time was able to look over color, to look over stereotypes, and to look over the general foolishness that American politics sometimes spit out; America was able to choose a man who was qualified.

Words are not powerful enough to describe how I feel about this historic moment. All the pain that we as a country has endured. Words can't fathom the emotional high that we as an African American, Colored, Black, Afro American people are expressing; as we invoke the joy from our ancestors who have bled, died, hung, endured hatred, endured slavery, endured hardships; fought wars, had homes destroyed; endured watching our leader being killed, as we invoke their songs of joy to see a Qualified Man Become President.

We must show that we are a United People!!! We must stand firm; although some of the people are disappointed that their candidate did not win, WE MUST STAND FIRM THAT UNITED WE STAND AND DIVIDED WE FALL. We must show that we are the United States of America and that We Stand Behind The Qualified Man Who Has Become President.

Stop Hatred... He's Qualified

Become Color Blind... He's Qualified

Remove the Party Separation... He's Qualified

Save the Drama... He's Qualified

We have work to do as a nation and we don't have time to argue about fears because Obama is President. We gave Bush a chance... Give Obama A Chance.

If you can't do anything else Pray for Obama's Protection.

I hear freedom ringing, but we must not allow silence to become darkness. Darkness breeds hatred...hatred breeds destruction. Let freedom ring. LET IT RING LOUD AND CLEAR.

Fight with him not against him.

Use your voice.

He Looks Like A President, He Talks Like A President, He Walks Like A President, And Barack Obama is The President of these United States.

I'm Proud as a Black Man

I voted knowing that my ancestors were once unable to.

I've found hope.

I've dreamed the dream.

I lived history.

I've seen history.

I've pressed history on a computer and I've voted history.

I'm standing on the mountain top.

My voice was apart of the harmony that sounds like freedom.

I can say it... A QUALIFIED BLACK MAN HAS BECOME PRESIDENT!!!

YES WE CAN!!!

Today I voted!!! My 4th time voting and my third time voting for a PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES. History in the making people. A Black man won the Democratic Candidate position, and now maybe on his way to becoming the first Black President. I walked up a steep hill to the church, waited in the line, and voted for Obama and Biden. I should get my own chapter in the history book. (History books might look amazing now with all the new stuff that's going on) I always liked history so if they took my pic at the voting polls I hope they took my good side lol.

Today was also monumental because today was my sister's first time voting!!! She was so excited she sent me a text message and said Joey I voted. I told her I was proud of her and then I asked her did she cry. She said she teared up a bit. I asked why in the world was she crying. She said, because today I made history. I'm so proud of her.

I also want to give a shout out to one of my best friends. His birthday is on today so hopefully he will celebrate like no tomorrow. Seeing as though his birthday is on this exciting day.

Well Barack Obama I hope that you win. I hope you bring the change that this country needs. I pray that you will be protected and that you will go to God on behalf of your family, yourself, and your country. I'm rooting for you and today is the day.

If you're reading this and you haven't voted yet: GET OUT AND VOTE!!!!

I don't have much to say. But this goes out to all the people who have tried to bring me down. To all the people who have kicked me when I'm down. To all the people who have ever tried to hate on me or talk bad about me.

I'm HAPPY AND THERE IS NOTHING YOU CAN DO ABOUT IT!!!!

LOL

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so worthless.....you figure out what it says everyone else always tries to......

So I just wanted to say that Fable 2 on Xbox 360 is a great game and everyone needs to get it and play it.

Matthew 5:37:But let your statement be, 'Yes, yes' or 'No, no'; anything beyond these is of evil. (New American Standard Bible)

Whether we accept Christ as our Lord and Savior to change our lives, or we just make the decision to live morally acceptable lives, we all come to a crossroad in deciding what is "good" and what is "bad" behavior or actions. OK that was confusing for me and I wrote it. So let me try it this way: In life we try to distinguish between a BIG sin and a little sin. A white lie is better than a lie. Smoking is better than drinking. I cheat on my wife, but at least I don't beat her. I masturbate, but I'm not having sex. I don't believe in Jesus Christ, but I go to church or at least I pray.

Well if it still doesn't make sense in what I'm trying to say hopefully you'll get it one day. The reason I entitled this comprosexes is for those of us who are trying to do things God's way i.e. not having sex before we are married or in my case not having sex "again" until I'm married; we make this decision, and we stick to it, but sometimes we compromise what constitutes as "sex", "sexual", and "sinful". Now if I'm the only one who does this please let me know. I'm writing this to let everyone know that we can't make the decision to stop having sex and live for Christ, but not decide to let everything else go.

What I mean is you can't negotiate with God and say, "Well since I'm giving up sexual intercourse, can me and my spouse perform oral sex on one another? I mean that's not sex right?" Or maybe we say,"Ok so I'm giving up all kinds of sexual activities, but can't we still lust after one another and talk about what we will do to each other when we get married?" Not those two situations how about this, "So I'm not having sex, I'm not even going to tempt anyone to come close to having sex, but I think it is ok for me to watch porn and take care of my own needs right? I mean God what's the harm in that?"

Compromising is a great tool in relationships, but when you compromise with the flesh... it only leads to distruction, sorrow, guilt, and pain. Your flesh is always seeking self-gratification. The flesh is the physical manifestation of the "id" Jesus said in Matthew 26:41- Watch and pray, that ye enter not into temptation: the spirit indeed is willing, but the flesh is weak. (Now this was Christ talking to His disciples, when they were falling asleep while he was praying in the Garden of Gethsemane.) The flesh is weak, and if you try to compromise with it you will lose. The flesh is never satisfied and it will only sustain our feeble attempts to satisfy it momentarily, but it will crave a stronger high and eventually your compromise with it will be broken. Crucify your flesh daily and do not compromise with your flesh, with your mind, or with the devil and temptation. Simply let your yes be yes and your no be no. Romans 6:23 makes it clear that there is no compromise with sin:

For the wages of sin is death but the Gift of God is eternal life through Jesus Christ.

What will we choose???