Don't ever depend on another person to make you a whole person. Only God can complete you and you should be a whole person seeking another whole person.

I'm in love with someone else. (that's a killer)

Don't let saying sorry become a habit instead of being a genuine gesture for true repentance.

I wish you felt the same way about me as I felt about you.

Are you a sperm deposit box?

Men how many fertile grounds have you destroyed spreading your poisonous seed?

Never let a mattress be the extent of your worth.

Will you be willing to like me, care for me, and love me the way I am for you.

Never let a relationship destroy who you are.

Learn to be lonely and learn to find God in the moments of loneliness. Then when you do get someone they you won't be all destroyed when they need to leave.

When there is no growth in a relationship something is dead!

When it will be my turn to be loved and appreciated?

All I ever think about is you!

Learn to love yourself first.

Don't waste my time if you're already planning to waste my time.

Will you be with me?
Have you ever wonder how it worked when the person you're dating or in a relationship with, stated that you pushed them into the arms of another lover? Have you been the one who felt like they were pushed into the bed, the arms, the company, the companionship, and the love of someone else because you felt your "boo" pushed you there? If this is you or you have been the victim of this, then maybe you can help me shed some light on this phenomenon.

I often wonder if this is possible and if it is how can you avoid it?! Do you spend you're entire relationship, dating experience, or encounters with a person trying to avoid "pushing" them away from you and into the arms of another? I definitely feel that apart of this is an elaborate excuse for selfishness and cheating, while another part of me feels that in dating/relationships, we do reach a point where we alienate the ones we say we love and care for, we stop treating each other right, we get comfortable with forgetting what makes them smile, forgetting what makes them feel low, forgetting to be intimate with them, hurting them purposely; we make empty promises, saying sorry becomes a habit and not a sincere gesture of repentance; we don't tell them we care/love them, we set to high expectations on them and degrade them when they don't reach them; ultimately we do "push" them away and make it easy for someone else to get their attention.

While I have a belief that we can push people away, I can never accept the fact that someone cheats. It honestly isn't an excuse to cheat on someone. If you feel like someone is treating you wrong, not appreciating you, or abusing you; you either need to "assertively" communicate that to the person and not be "passive-aggressive" about it or you need to "LEAVE" before you do something you will regret. To the person that is doing the "pushing away" needs to recognize their actions and don't be fooled into believing that the person will stick around. Most times we "push" people away because we are unable to communicate what we are feeling or we are projecting our possible unresolved fears and past unresolved relationship issues onto the other person. Maybe you feel alienated by the person who you're "pushing" away and you need to open your mouth and talk to them about how you are feeling.

I believe if we make the decision to truly treat people the way we want to be treated, we can avoid these problems. To avoid this topic of Dating PTSD remember to 1. Communicate Assertively and Not Aggressively, 2. Deal with unresolved issues and deal with them openly/honestly, 3. Treat people the way you want to be treated, especially the one you're dating or in a relationship with, and finally 4. Don't be fooled into believing you can't push anyone into the arms of another.

Dating PTSD we can overcome it...
S0 when will it be my turn?

I just want my turn, but I guess I have to wait.

But how long is the waiting journal???

How long???

I have to keep praying and waiting, but it is getting difficult.

I will wait

I will wait

I will wait.

This was truly random lol, but it wasn't.

So...
Have you've ever liked, had feelings, or loved someone so bad that it felt like you would explode if you didn't tell them or show them how you felt. I mean you sit and you think about them all day. You want them to be happy, you wish for their happiness, and you hope that you make them happy. You do everything you can to be around them, and I'm not talking about that stalker/annoying kind of trying to be around a person, but a genuine desire to want to be around them and spend quality time with them. You have some serious feelings for this person and you would do anything for them if you could. This isn't a joke for you and you hope deep down that they feel the same way too. I mean you're reading this and probably thinking about them RIGHT NOW!!!

But you either feel or know that they don't feel the same way about you. It really pains you that they don't feel the same way about you. I have felt this many times in my life and it is never an easy thing to accept or to realize. They may very well like you, but they don't quite like you the way you like them. It would be ten times easy for them to walk away from what you share then it would ever be for you. I guess the expression "Unrequited Love" doesn't fit for the scenario I'm describing here, but this is so extreme the very expression is very appropriate I feel. And you can't understand why you stay or you try to make their "LUST" for you appear as the love you want them to have for you. Lust can never be love! So back to the question at hand; why do you stay; when you know that at any moment this person can get sick of being with you or sick of you caring for them the way you do.

Why do you continue to torture yourself? Or is it torture? And have you ever asked them why they don't feel the same way or asked them why they stay when they don't feel the same???

Go find the love that will love you the same or maybe they love you the same, but just can't show it!
A broken heart broken into pieces. Dinner only fill the wounds momentarily, leaving traces of broken evidence and lost connections. Being thankful for the times you share, being grateful of togetherness while we can bare it. Love while you can the loved ones who love you. Appreciate family and the things you share. Stop letting the small things and unforgiveness break you from loving; loving your family while they're still there.

Thanksgiving Day, yes the food, the laughter, the football games, the family; an all around exciting time. I myself used to truly be in love with the holidays and the fanfare that came with it. Two years I even did the homemade macaroni and cheese. But for the last five years the holidays have not been my favorite times of the year. It happens like a flash and I can go from my normal laughable self, into this heartbroken man who only wants to be to himself. I've learned to wear an amazingly incredible mask, that bares a smile that keeps the questions at bay, but on the inside lies hurt that goes unspoken and a desire for the days when the holidays our home was filled with family, laughter, and the smell of food that would be eaten for days. (Well the good food is still being cooked). Although healing has begun in us all in some way, shape, or form; the pain of memories are still haunting me every Thanksgiving and Christmas. I wonder how everyone else feels; as they cook alone in the kitchen, sitting at home alone with no dinner or family at all, spending time with others, out of town, or places unknown, or sitting in a room praying that this kind of sadness never is inflicted on anyone else.

Then I realize that someone has lost their mother or their father, but haven't. I realized that some one's child never got a chance to experience the holidays with their parents like I have. I realized that many people are living out on the streets and has lost all connection with their family, so although I'm sad; I still have a reason to be thankful. And every year that's the thing that God has been trying to get me to understand and the fact that I'm still alive; that I know I'm not easily broken. I believe we all have to just learn to be thankful. And I'm thankful for my family present and absent. I'm thankful for the love that I share for my family and the memories I hold so dear.

I pray that as you read this if you're spending time with your family that you're thankful. If you are with your family and maybe you have a grudge with someone your eating dinner with, let it go. Enjoy your family and every precious moment you have with them. Tomorrow is not promised to you or to your family so spend that time with them in love and not in hate. I may never fully recover from the hurt I feel or the cloud of depression that hovers over me during the holidays, but please know that I'm thankful and thankful to God for my life, family, friends, and church family. I'm going to fight hard when I start a family to instill a spirit of thanksgiving and love into them and teach them to value the time we spend together.

Remember to just learn to be thankful on this Thanksgiving Day. Happy Thanksgiving.
So journal you are my 100th post in 2009! I can't believe that I have posted this many post in 2009. Honestly it should have been way more than 100, but I have been busy. I mean I have graduated from school, started working at a job I love, but keeps me very busy, and just all around tired of staring at a computer screen. I just hope that I can get better at writing though. My goal is to write a few books in my lifetime; writing some more plays and possibly getting them on tour, and maybe even following the advice of my really good friend and finish writing the book I started a few months back. I guess it isn't as easy to just write something and you're not really a writer just because you say you are. I don't care how the world defines me, I just know that I like to put my thoughts down on paper, and I hope someone who reads it can get something from it.

So I'm hoping that things work out journal. I can't go into details even with you, but I am truly hoping and praying that the flow and the dance keeps on the right path. I can't help but smile. I know that everything isn't going to be perfect and for the first time in life journal I don't expect them too. It's funny when you stop expecting things to go the way the world makes it seem that things should go, the very things go much better than what you would have expected them to go. I know journal that that made no sense, but we'll understand it better by and by (corny I know).

So there are some very exciting things happening my fellow bloggers and I hope that while your sitting at your computer screen and reading this, that things are going well for you, and that your family is well. I have family and friends who God has blessed me with that really makes this life worth living. I pray to God that everyone you love is safe and protected.

Thanks for reading and commenting.

So...
I was just thinking this morning that for most humans, being in a relationship with someone is very very important to them. I mean I have to admit that even I have been known to have a very strong desire to want to be in a relationship with a beautiful, smart, amazing, sexy, wonderful, encouraging, spontaneous, ambitious, feisty, stubborn, sometimes mean, wonderful smile having, goofy, Christ-filled, independent, my best friend type of woman. Yeah I am guilty of being in the category of relationship/companionship type of person. We put so much energy into maintaining a relationship with someone who will hurt us or let us down in someway, but for some of us we don't put that much energy into the relationship we have with God.

Imagine how much better our lives would be, if we were as devoted to our relationship with God; just like we are devoted to our relationships with one another. I mean and God never fails us or let's us down, so why don't we give Him as much love, devotion, and time as we do our women or your men? I believe that our relationships with our friends, boyfriends, girlfriends, wives, or husbands; would be so much better if we focused on making the best out of our relationship with Christ.

I believe that if we spent more time telling God how much we love Him, our significant other would trust us when we tell them we love them. If we spent quality time with God on purpose, I believe the quality time we spend with the love of our lives would be spectacular. I believe that if we spent more time listening and communicating with Christ, that we would not encounter so many communicating errors with the humans we are giving our hearts to.

I have a feeling that break-ups and divorces would diminish if we just seek a healthy relationship with the one who designed man and woman in the first place. He's the author of relationship, relationships, and even "relations"; so why wouldn't He know a thing or two about having a successful relationship? Why wouldn't He help us overcome heartbreak, relational drama, abuse, fear, guarded hearts, and everything else negative that comes with dating and relationships?

I'm just saying maybe it's time to stop counting on magazines, MTV, Cosmo, and the Internet for your love advice and maybe just have a better relationship with the Almighty.

Relationship Talk huh?
The question: Is a man intimidated by a strong independent woman? The answers are endless, but I believe that it isn’t intimidation; it is role confusion. The role confusion begins in the home. God designed the home (home meaning family) to have a man and a woman. God designed it this way so that there would be a balance. The children learn or model behaviors from both parents. The son learns from the father how to be a provider, how to love a woman, how to give, how to protect, how to use his hands to work for his family. The son learns from the mother how to accept a woman’s love, how to endure through hard times, and how to accept his role as a man in the life of a woman and family. The daughter learns from the father how a man should treat a woman, how to accept a man providing for her without feeling like she’s being controlled, how to protect herself from what this world is going to bring to her way. The daughter learns from the mother how to nurture her family, how to love a man, how to make a man feel needed, how to be independent, but not superior or not make a man feel inferior to her; and how to hold the family together when hard times come.

So when God’s design for balance in the home is missing, then we find ourselves at this question.

I can go on and on, about where the root of the problem lies, but to begin to fix the problem we have to learn how to communicate effectively. It is a myth that women know how to communicate and men don’t. There are men and women, who are great communicators, and there are men and women who need to learn how to communicate.

There must be a balance to everything and I'm all for women being independent and successful, shoot for me that’s attractive. My problem comes when you hold stuff over people's head or make a person feel inferior. Ladies don't become empowered and then turn around and take power from the men you are dating. If you can't be a loving, caring, woman who is successful, but can still uplift your man; then you really don't need to be dating and should stay single.
All I want to do is see you both smile. I want to romance you both, communicate with you both, like you both, love you both, be in love with you both, and hold you both. I want to make you both happy, to please you both, to serve you both, to honor you both, to cherish you both, to adore both of you, to praise you, and to seek the happiness of both of you. I want to treasure you both and to truly have you feel the same way I feel for both of you.

I fall short all the time and I hurt you both. I make you both angry, I seek the forgiveness of you both, I fall short of both of your expectations. I hurt because I hurt you both. I want both, but I can't have both the way I have been going about trying to be with the both of you. One has to become my first and if I make the first my priority the second one will be provided for. Everything will fall into place and things will be better.

I'm torn between you both.

Torn heart, torn pages, torn feelings, torn between the two.

Torn.

I don't want to be, but I want you both. I need you both.

Torn
Sometimes you just need a timeout right? Is it possible in a relationship to need a break? I don't know the meaning of this and honestly never understood the notion. I do understand that people may need some space, but a break is something I don't get. Is taking a "break" a trail separation? Do you both say hey let's see what it would be like to break up and after a while if it is too hard to be apart we can get back together, but if the freedom is good we can still get back together; with the intention to one day breakup for real. I can't say that this is something that sounds interesting to me or something I do, but it is something that comes up in dating, it is something that can cause dating PTSD, full of painful flashbacks and re-experiencing the "break", and so I needed to blog about it.

I guess the most important step is to always be honest and upfront about what you're feeling. You have to be honest about your expectations, your desires, your goals, and your concerns. Even if you feel that it will hurt the person you're dating, you should really work on communicating what you're feeling. The person you are dating is not a mind reader and so you have to tell them when you're feeling overwhelmed or feeling like you need a break. The second thing I would say is to become a good listener if you're not one already. You have to listen and not just waiting to build your argument or state your case without ever listening.

Finally you have to understand that you can't play around with people's heart or emotions. If you know you're not serious about the relationship or you know that you are not intending to go far with the person you're dating, don't take breaks as an excuse to escape facing reality or being upfront with the person. Don't take breaks to try and punish the person you're dating to do what you want them to do, or to teach them a lesson. If you honestly need a break state why, come to an agreement with the person you're dating, especially if you want to get back together. Ask for space rather than saying taking a break and detail what taking a break means.

Dating PTSD we can overcome it...
Alone a word that causes you to feel alone just by saying it, writing it, spelling it, you feel so alone. I love alone, I like alone, I breathe alone, I smile alone, I do relationship alone, I fight alone, I cry alone, I smile alone, I endure alone, I suffer alone, I hurt alone, I dance alone, I taste alone, I sacrifice alone, and I know alone. I know that I'm not alone. I know that I have someone who is with me and I'm never alone. My struggle is not alone and I do not struggle alone, but yet alone is where I stand. Human connection, love connection, dating connection, financial connection, phone connection, connection connection alone. Alone is where I want to be. Alone is what I want to avoid. Alone a void alone avoid. Alone seems so comforting and yet the discomfort being along brings makes me uncomfortable.

I want to know that I'm not in this alone, but alone is what it looks like. I think and I smile. I'm angry and yet I think. I talk, eat, sleep, breathe, think, move, shake, dance, jump, run, hope, skip and feel, but here it is the verdict is I feel like I'm in this alone. Alone and loving it, no alone and not feeling it. To wake angry or to wake alone? To alone to alone too alone two alone. The two of you alone the alone you is too alone. Alone and alone never alone always alone.

Some say lonely is where you could be, but you are never alone. Is it better to be lonely than to be alone? Alone and your right there! Alone and you seek to be all on your own. To be alone is your desire, but saying I want to be. To be with is to exist and to be alone is to be nonexistent?

Alone or just wrongfully lonely???

Alone...
So it has been so long since I have blogged. I'm surprised blogger world that they haven't deleted my blog and made room for someone else. I honestly can say that I have been truly busy, but honestly not doing anything. I mean just working and trying to improve as an employee, but that has been my only goal. I have so much to blog about and so much to get done, but honestly I don't want to be on a computer, I don't want to write, I don't want to type, think, or post. So why am I doing it now? I don't have a clue why. I just felt like I needed to really journal though. It has been a long time since I felt the need to really write randomly to relieve the stress I feel. I'm so hurt and confused; hurting is an understatement and the funny thing is the bulk of this hurt is caused by the things I have brought on myself.

I have turned away from God and lost my way. Yeah I've been going to church and I've been helping others, but my relationship; the approach, the romance, and the relationship with God has been so absence, He could truly say that he has been in this relationship all by Himself. I love God blogger family and I believe with all my heart that Jesus Christ died for my sins, but I have been so distant from God that He must be singing Jill Scott's "I'm Lonely Whenever Your Around" and wishing that I would just spend some time talking to Him. I want to spend time with you God, but I can't find the motivation. I have to keep telling myself that I know I love God, but I'm so lazy. That's the root of the entire problem; no blogging, no prayer, no reading the Word, no Studying the Word, no taking the time out to fall in love with Christ; simply because I'm lazy.

My heart is betraying me and it doesn't care. Doesn't it understand that I have to protect myself. Doesn't it understand that although my exterior is tough and confident, it is still mended only by the scotch tape of denial and inwardly repressed anger. But it laughs at my attempts to ignore what I'm feeling what I'm feeling and deep down I'm loving it. I just wish the heart was logical and protected itself just a little better. I guess the heart wants what the heart wants.

So even after just a little bit of journal writingI'm feeling a little bit better. I know that I need to start being more consistent with prayer and spending time with God. I know I need to spread the word of God to everyone out there. And I know that I have to get jwriter together.

So...
Isaiah 14:3 -- And it shall come to pass in the day that the LORD shall give thee rest from thy sorrow, and from thy fear, and from the hard bondage wherein thou wast made to serve,

There are many shortages in this world. The United States is in an economic crisis, food and water is scarce and many people go hungry, the rate of homelessness continues to increase, and their is even a shortage of true Christ-led, Spirit-filled Christians. But my friends there is somthing that this world isn't short on and that is SORROW! Someone please let me know when there is a shortage of sorrow and I can let you have some of mine, or I'm sure that someone will let you borrow theirs.

OK so that last sentence was a joke, but seriously we can all agree that we have had some sorrow in our lives. Many of us have been hurt, have held on to our hurt, some of us have been used and abused; and in one point and time we may have even been users and abusers; this world isn't short on people hurting one another. Somehow we have a shortage of kindness, but we have an over-abundance of hatred, malice, revenge, child abuse, sexual abuse, domestic violence, murder, envy, hatred, unforgiveness; and yes it seems that the laws of supply and demand have lost their minds; everyone wants to hate, but no one WANTS TO LOVE!

BUT there is hope. I loved the word but, as a conjunction to connect a thought, but also as an adverb to describe God. There is but one God and this God is able to heal us from our SORROW!!! The scripture above says that God will give us rest from our sorrow, because some of us are living in our sorrows. O we pray to be delivered from our sorrows, but we have become so comfortable with being in sorrow and with suffering; that when the deliverance comes we ignore it and chose rather to wallow in our sorrows. LET GOD SET YOU FREE!!! Isaiah 10:27 --In that day the Lord will end the bondage of his people.He will break the yoke of slavery and lift it from their shoulders.

Christ can set you free, but walk in it. The Bible says in Galatians 5:1-- Stand fast therefore in the LIBERTY (FREEDOM) wherewith Christ hath made you free, and be not entangled again with the yoke of bondage. My brothers and sisters don't let the bondage and yoke of sorrow bind your limbs and control your mind any longer. If you have Christ he has made you FREE!

I know your father hurt you, but you are SET FREE.

I know that man abused you or that woman broke your heart, but you are SET FREE.

To the children who have been abused by the adults that you thought you can trust. I declare freedom in your life! You've been living with the pain for years now and no you can't forget what was done to you, but freedom is within your reach! Pray that Christ will HEAL your hurt and pain.

Set Free

Set Free

Set Free

I know you feel like all your friends have abandon you, but you are Set Free.

I know wife that your husband has cheated on you, but you are Set Free.

I know husband that your wife has betrayed you, but you are Set Free.

I know you hate yourself, but you are SET FREE.

Let God Set You Free.

Let God deliver you. Psalm 18:2--The LORD is my rock, and my fortress, and my deliverer; my God, my strength, in whom I will trust; my buckler, and the horn of my salvation, and my high tower.

And Let God be your Shield. Psalm 3:3--But thou, O LORD, art a shield for me; my glory, and the lifter up of mine head.

Set Free
So my birthday is coming up and I will be a quarter of a century. Once again though journal I find myself not too enthusiastic about the birthday. Don't get me wrong journal I am so happy that I'm alive and I'm well, but the fanfare of the birthday doesn't excite me as it used to when I was younger.

Now a days on my birthday I just want to be enjoying the company of a beautiful companion and be involved in a stimulating conversation or a exciting date. Or I want to be reading a great novel or writing something.

This birthday I will be doing what I love the most and that's working and helping others. I mean journal birthdays have slowly dwindled for me. Like I'm very excited when I help a friend celebrate their birthday, but mine well not so much. I can't really pinpoint when this changed, because I used to be very excited about having something planned for my birthday. But honestly I'm just happy coming home and relaxing.

So I'm working and I love my job. Although it is very demanding I love every moment of it.

So in my last journal entry called So... I was talking about capturing someone's heart. I'm not very good at it and love always end with casulties for me, but this time I'm hoping for something different. Like I said the companionship is the most exciting for me and honest I'm very happy and enjoying every moment of it.

So...
What does putting yourself out there mean? The next question is should you do it? I do not have the answer as to what putting yourself out there truly means in dating, but I'm going to guess and say that it means to just date freely, take as many risk as you can, and lower your standards.

I think that for some people it is really easy just to put themselves out there, but is that the right thing to do. I guess it is hard for me to write about this because I don't really know what the phrase means. I will say that maybe if you're having trouble finding a date or finding time to date; then maybe you may need to make yourself more available. That means to schedule time to date people, meet new people, or just hangout and be sociable. That put yourself out there just sounds like you're a piece of meat hanging in the window waiting to be picked up.

Look there really isn't any set rules to dating. I do understand that you have to do what works for you. I guess I'm writing this to one: to learn what putting yourself out there really means (so if you know let me know), two: to help people understand that you can't give your all to a person; especially if this person will not reciprocate, and three: to help us all understand that we have to have standards, but also know how to have fun and to have balance.

I don't think you should put yourself out there...sounds like you are selling your body or something, but I do believe that we can overcome dating ptsd. Let's just overcome it wisely.
John 3:16- For God So Loved The World That He Gave His Only Begotten Son That Whosoever Believes On Him Shall Not Perish But Will Have Everlasting Life.

1 John 4:14- We Have Seen And Can Testify That The Father Sent His Son To Be The Savior Of The World.

John 6:47- I Tell You The Truth, Whoever Believes Has Eternal Life.

Romans 10:9- If You Use Your Mouth To Say, Jesus Is Lord, And Believe In Your Heart That God Raised Jesus From The Dead, You Will Be Saved.

Romans 5:8- But God Shows His Great Love Towards Us In This Way: Christ Died For Us While We Were Still Sinners. (All scriptures taken from New Century Version)

Can You be saved? Is that the question that you've asked me? Well if the WORDS that I have presented to you from GOD's WORD hasn't convinced you; I pray that it will, let me give you some food for thought.

IF I CAN BE SAVED, IF I AM SAVED, IF CHRIST LOVES JOE SNIDER, IF GOD CARES FOR ME, IF HE CONSIDER DYING FOR ME, then my friends, my enemies, my haters, my family, whoever maybe reading this, YOU can definitely be SAVED.

The cost? The cost for admission has been paid! You don't have to give God anything but your faith, confession, and heart that His Son Jesus is Lord, that He died for your sins, and that God raised Him from the dead. Yeah once you get saved there is some sacrifice that you must do, but to have your sins washed clean, to not have to pay the debt for your wrongs, to become innocent in the eyes of the Lord; that price has already been paid.

I know this seems crazy, but I can honestly tell you that despite all the wrong you and I have ever done; WE CAN BE SAVED. The scriptures have spoken of Christ becoming the sacrifice that was needed to quiet God's wrath and punishment for our sins. Christ transferred the punishment to Himself when he died for us.

BUT-- You can't walk in this free gift if you DON'T BELIEVE IN JESUS CHRIST! Christ is the only way to partake in the Gift that comes from God.

The answer to the quest can you be saved is YES! Through the power of the blood that was shed by Jesus Christ. If you believe on Him you SHALL NOT PERISH, But Will Have Everlasting Life.
Will You Be Saved? (A LIFE CHANGING QUESTION)
So it has truly been awhile since I have blogged. So much has been going on in my life and my computer was sick (insert sad face and throw up gesture).

So let's try and sum it all up for you:

I have been working for almost three months now. After a year and 4 months of not working it feels so good to have a job. I'm working in my field and I am enjoying every minute of it.

I'm currently becoming more active in my church, but I really need to work on my relationship with Christ. It is truly important that I stop playing around with God and truly begin a true and meaningful relationship with Him.

I'm reading again! I read two books every two weeks!!! So far I have finished four of the Sookie Stackhouse/TruBlood Novels by Charlaine Harris, I completed PUSH by Sapphire; which was a really good book and the movie Precious is coming out soon, I have also read The Secret To Possessing Joy by Alice Walker; it is a fictional yet in-depth story into Female Genital Mutilation, but it truly is a gripping and captivating story, and I have also been reading a daily devotional book.

I am currently trying to capture the heart of someone, but as you know dating is not a strong suit for me LOL. I will say that I am enjoying the friendship to the fullest though and my mind is definitely being stimulated. It is a rarity that a woman can do that for me.

I have been watching Dexter Season 4 and The Real World/Road Rules Challenge and Wes is the man!!! LOL!!!!

I have met some really cool people who are surely and hopefully going to become my very good friends for life.

I am preparing to grow up, pay bills, and be out on my own. I am truly afraid, but ready!

So I think that is all I have for now. Just keep reading and keep commenting. I will write better someday, for now

So...
Let me be clear brothers (White men, Black men, Asian men, Green men) I'm not hating on you if you got your woman wrapped around your fingers, but I have to ask ladies how do you live with yourselves; at least the ones who lower all of your standards to be with a man that does absolutely nothing, but brings fire/sparks to your lower region every time you two jump in the sheets.

I have had numerous conversations like this...well more like overheard women talking on the bus, train, mall, and anywhere women can congregate and discuss how horrible their men are, but how great they are in bed. Like I said I don't hate, but I have to be honest how do they get these women. I mean they get the bad women, who are really good, but just can't get the rest of their lives together; and they get the all around great women. I can't understand this like they must have gold in their pants because these jobless, abusive, homeless, drug addicted, bad hygiene, and men unwilling to commit past using you as a place to deposit sperm; they get the really great WOMEN!!! I can't understand it.

I mean these women work for the government making money, have their own houses, cars, in church or spiritual, but they have these men who (excuse me) are not good for anything but making their bodies scream in ecstasy; then they actively complain about it.

I'm just saying ladies improve your standards and try to respect yourselves. Hey I'm not saying you have to settle for the man who does everything right, but doesn't know what he's doing in the realm of...wait I'm not even going to go into that lol. Anyway all I'm saying that if you believe you are worth something, make a man work for you...all of you and don't settle. I know you've heard it all before, but please be more than a dump for some man's fertile excrement.

I just think a woman should be treated with respect, brought flowers from time to time, and that she gets a gentlemen every time they are with each other. Action, Adventure, and Fun is all important in a relationship too, but please don't settle ladies.

But if you are content with being a "Sex Buddy" then don't complain about it.
So I've been truly trying to escape this growing insanity in my mind. The insanity that is trying to consume me and over power me to no end. Sometimes I sit and wonder if I will make it. It's like my mind is trying to devour me completely and nothing I can do or say will help me escape. I sometimes have to pray that God will help quiet the noise. I sometimes can't even focus on one thought because hundreds are being filter through my mind all at once.

This morning it was so bad I had to cry angry tears to get a moments rest. I sit here and type this and feel like I want to explode.

Thought 1: Lord I pray that you would forgive...Thought 2 says while I was trying to complete thought 1: Dang I wonder how that woman looks naked...Thought 3 while Thought 2 is still inquiring about the woman's nakedness: I want to hurt her sometimes all I need for them to all just shut the hell up....Me: Focus Joey focus...Thought 1: Lord I pray you would please forgive me of my thoughts and my lying tongue...Thought 4: I don't feel like going to work today...Thought 5:You're going to be single forever...Thought 6: Look at your family all torn apart I wonder....Thought 6: F*&^% them all stupid *^&*%*...Thought 1: Lord please deliver me, please save my family, please bless my friends, please bind my flesh...Thought 7: Sex is so amazing...Me: Focus please stop all the noise.

Seriously I can't even describe how this truly played out in my mind. There were no pauses, no breaks, all of that above happened all at once. I couldn't focus. I only found some peace through getting on the bus and reading my Bible this morning. I'm just so tired. I only truly find peace when I laugh and when I laugh loud. I find peace when I'm reading a good novel or writing. I find peace when I listen to music or enjoying the company of good friends. I find peace when I'm consumed by a good book. I'm just so tired of all the noise, all the fighting, the sin, the cycle, the pain, the hurt, the joy, the repeating, and yet I find peace in it all at times.

Today was a good day. Today I found a nice book to read by Alice Walker. Possessing the Secret of Joy. Tonight I was inspired to write. Tonight I've been missing someone. Tonight I will hang up my clothes and shower. Tomorrow God willing I will wake up and go to work. Hopefully the noise will be calm. The storm of my mind won't rage and the anguish in my heart won't thrive.

Tomorrow I will laugh...

Tomorrow I will smile...

Tomorrow...

So...
So I really enjoy good conversation. I enjoy sitting back talking to people or friends, having something to talk about, and listening to what others have to say. I enjoy people who have wisdom or people who can talk about a subject and have substance. I also love when I have real conversations with people and they find out I have more to offer then what they initially thought of me. I also love when people actually listen and are not so wrapped up in what's going on around them, not texting or on the phone, but they are engaging in conversation, making eye contact, and we can actually recall what each person has said and give feedback.

On another note I have to blog about a few things, but I've actually been kind of lazy. I want to blog more about dating and relationships, but especially online dating LOL.

So I guess that's it. If you want to make me happy have a good deep conversation with me or a totally random goofy one LOL. All I ask is that you actually pay attention.

So...
So I have to thank God for hot water. When I was younger and money was a little tight in the house we didn't have hot water for a minute. So we would warm water up on the store or microwave to have heated baths or we would just take cold showers. Here I thought that time had passed. Well I guess the cold showers I had to take this week...until today (YES) has made me appreciative of having working hot water!!! This shower was so refreshing and HOT!!! I'm glad they came and fixed the hot water heater.

So as of tomorrow I would have completed three weeks of post graduate employment. To think that I was at home doing nothing, and now I'm blessed to wake up every morning to a job that I really enjoy. I'm thankful for all my undeserved blessings. Although I do miss waking up everyday at 12 noon, I don't think I want to go back to those days.

So finally I want to say happy blogversary to me and my blog!!! It has been a year since I've started this blog. I'm grateful that I have twelve followers, but dang you would think after a year I would have more than twelve right? LOL! I guess I'm glad I enjoy blogging or else I would have stopped a long time ago. I hope those that do read this do enjoy the blog and hopefully I will start getting more comments and more followers.

So...
Seeing much beauty,
Hear much beauty,
Speak much beauty.

You are the beauty in
Which my senses desire.
To dance in the shadow
Your light casts and
To kiss the sun as it
Shines and Smiles
At my smile who's smile
Brightens my day.

Your laughter heals my wounds
And your kiss helps shed the pain.
Who else appreciates me and who
Would appreciate you like I who
Would snatch the moon out the
Sky for you if he could and
Make the stars dance at your feet.

I would make the seas return all its
Treasure for my treasure whom I
Treasure and hold you close to my heart.
My desire for you is unquenchable and my thirst
For you is never satisfied.
What the HECK is going on with married men and women today???

Have they completely forgot that they made vows or was it just for some false sense of security that they got married? Did you get married just so you'll have someone to go home to? For someone to have your children or have children with and erase you fear of being alone???

I mean it must truly be a new law that I have missed. I mean married people are doing some crazy mess.

If you're married here is what I think you shouldn't do (AND THIS IS JUST MY OPINION)

1. You should not be going to bars trying to pick up people!!! I mean then some of you don't even bother to take off your ring!

2. Calling someone of the opposite sex during the hours of 10:00PM-6:00 AM unless it is a sister or brother, Mom, or dad, or an emergency. I was raised that you don't call nobody pass 9:00 PM, but if you're married calling the opposite sex for any reason at that time of night is uncool.

3. Staying out all times of the night having your spouse worried about you. I mean if they know where you're at and who you with, and you both agreed on it then fine, but yeah check that though.

4. If you are separated from your wife or husband, that means you are still MARRIED! It is not cool for you to date other people. (I have had a few separated women step to me. Look I don't do MARRIED WOMEN!!!) Single/Dating life is hard enough...it is not cool to add that extra drama.

5. Cheating (well that's been said)

6. Talking to non-professional or really-not-that-spiritual-or-people-that-will-not-guide-you-back-to your-spouse-or-tell-you-to-pray-to-God- (sorry) talking to these people about your problems in your marriage. I mean yeah I understand that you may need to talk to someone, but get someone who can actually help you and your marriage. And don't get people that will help you do dirt in your marriage or disrespect your spouse. You're doing wrong if you haven't talked to your husband or wife about the problem first anyway. (Come on people)

7. Not honoring your vows or your promises to your spouse and to God.

You know right now I sound judgmental, which I try really hard not to be, but I mean why get married??? I mean it is getting out of CONTROL!!! And the thing that gets me is that the MARRIED WOMEN are getting BOLDER!!!

Again this is just my opinion, but I needed to know does Married equal ok to date other people???
Everyone needs space. I don't think there is no other way for me to start this conversation, EVERYONE NEEDS SPACE!!!

The first and logical reason everyone needs space, especially in dating and relationships, is that we were once SINGLE. Before you got into a relationship you were single! Simple right? I mean you had all the time when you were single to have space, to reflect, or hang out with friends; so it is only logical and I would dare say natural for you to want space from time to time.

I mean think about it when you were entering the crazy world of adolescence, having time for privacy was something you fought for. Then you discovered how to entertain and enjoy being with yourself. You learned how to mellow out in your own space. This is something that we tend to forget when we start looking for a relationship or dating, and then when we get in a relationship we crave space, but we are unable to ask for it or we are so caught up that we forget to take it.

Everyone needs that time to rebuild your sense of singleness. I've learned whether you're in a serious relationship or you are married, you both are still single individuals who are committed to one another. So if you are still single individuals, then you need that space to regain or replenish your sense of self. When you do that, I believe you become a better whole for your better half.

Getting space isn't ignoring your spouse, mistreating them, disrespecting them, or time for you to date/see other people. Getting space is simply telling yourself and your spouse that I just need some time to be me. I still care about you, I love you, or whatever, but I just need sometime to reflect. And believe me if the relationship is one of mutual understanding, love, romance, and that spark; you won't want to be away from them for too long and the same goes for them.

It is dangerous to make anyone your all or for us to use a relationship to validate who we are. It is good to get space for a number of reasons, I just hope we recognize that we all need space, and asking for space isn't always a indirect way to let you know that it is over!!!

Make time for yourself, even in relationships and dating...get rid of that Dating PTSD!
I think one of the biggest attacks of Dating PTSD happens when you begin to get past the cute stage of your relationship. The cute stage is the butterflies, the laughing, the joking, the long conversations on the phone, the dates, the romance, the inside jokes, the hot passionate kissing, the high school giddiness you get when they call, and just wanting to be around them. I honestly don't think that stage or rather those things have to change; I just think we get comfortable. Well that's another post for later, but for this post the cute stage ends and you realize there is a little more you have to do to keep the relationship going. You seem to aggravate one another more, the cute things that made you melt for them is no longer cute, and your once open schedule for dates and hot make-out sessions become few and far between. This is when you start to notice the budding relationships of others, you begin to notice how happy every other couple seems, and you question what happen to you and your significant other's spark for one another. This is when you start to believe or wonder why the grass is greener on the other side.

I have been guilty before of this subtle form of envy. I believe that it is a faulty form of evaluating your relationship. Evaluation is very important and should be done to make sure you keep the spark going and you explore new ways to make each other happy. Often though what we end up doing is wishing our relationship were like the couple we saw holding hands walking down the street skipping. You wish that you could have what they have, some of us wish so hard we step out on our relationship, and enter into something else, thinking that this is the green grass we've been looking for.

I'm here to tell you that the grass is never greener on the other side and if it is you don't know the work that couple has to do to keep their grass green.

If you want your relationship to be like it used to be: Do what you did in the beginning!!!! Work for the person. Make them feel like they are worth the work. Remember what made them smile, rather than focusing on what they did to make you mad.

Stop being envious of other people's happiness in their relationships and make the choice to be happy in your relationship. Most times everything you ever wanted is with the person you're with, but you are so focused on what they don't do, you forget what they have already done that made you happy, and you forget what they are capable of doing. Don't just blame them for your unhappiness, because you might be just as guilty as well.

Communicate, Communicate, Communicate, Communicate, Communicate!!!! If I could type this ten million times I would, unfortunately I don't have the strength to do so. Let me say it again COMMUNICATE. Open your mouth and express to your girlfriend or boyfriend how you feel, but also learn to shut up and listen. Effective communication involves lots of listening, lots of repeating back to the person what they have said to you, and then openly/honestly sharing how you FEEL!!!! Don't IGNORE and never BLAME!!!! (I'm so guilty of both).

Finally remember that the grass maybe greener on the other side, but you don't know what they went through to get it green.

Looks can be deceiving...get over that Dating PTSD.
God there is none like You! As much as I try to find something on this earth to generate the same love that You give, it is impossible! I can't believe that you still love me despite everything I put you through. God I declare that there is none like You!

There is none like You!

There is none like You!

There is none like You!

You are so wonderful God! God I"m grateful for having a relationship with you. I understand God that I have on many occasions step out on You and have cheated You. I have cheated you out time, love, honesty, obedience, and commitment, but God I thank You that you are a forgiving God.

There is none like You!
So right now at this minute I am unable to sleep. There are so many reasons for this irritating, depressing, and upsetting insomnia I have right now, but I can't really share it. All I can say is that I'm very frustrated, angry, a mix of confusion, the need for distance, a need for answers, questioning, mind spinning in circles, and there is nothing I can do about it!!! And that's just it!!! I hate feeling so powerless or feeling like I'm so censored or can't really speak my mind about the way I feel. I don't understand how this works and it is becoming a very destructive inner pain for me.

They say to look at the bright side, but when you spend all your time in your head like I do; it becomes difficult to find a bright side. I feel so lost sometimes and yet I find myself unable to comprehend what is going on.

So...
So guys tell me what you think about the new layout? I tried to load a new template, but I suck at it lol and things just weren't working out. But I like that I added some pics of me, showcasing how silly I am.

So I got my haircut!!!! You don't understand how good it feels and the second I get some pics of me and my new cut they will be going up on the blog people!!!! Man it feels so good to finally have my haircut!

I really wish though that I could just keep my hair fresh all the time. If I could just will my hair to stay freshly cut and never have to worry about growing a bush or as I get older; never to worry about balding. I wonder how I would look if I was bald???

So my Blogsversary is coming up and I've come up with some new Blog themes to go along with the new look:

1.) Think About It: Will be like mini-thoughts on some topics that may make you think or make you ponder.

2.) Funny Moments: I will share funny moments in my life or funny moments that happen today, yesterday, or even ones that may happen in the future.

3.) Jwriter and U: This is where I will bring guest to blog for me or blog along side me on different topics.

So I hope you guys and girls continue to read, hopefully comment, and maybe even follow me on my blog.

Of course Dating PTSD will still be here and my personal randomness journal So... and whatever else I come up with.

Enjoy

So...
So I'm feeling a whole lot better about life.

I was blessed by God with a job, cool new co-workers, and I feel like I will be doing some meaningful work.

I'm alive and well,

I'm blogging which helps me deal with things,

and friends and family are doing great.

I'm just so excited that my situation has changed and I'm no longer trapped in the house all day doing nothing.

One thing I can't figure out is women. I'm still having trouble with figuring out the opposite sex and wonder why they say men can be difficult???? Women can be just as difficult if not more in some cases LOL.

That's a whole other post I guess.

So...
Girl: "I imagine that it will take you some time to get over me," she says very calmly.

Me: "Actually I've been broken up with and rejected so many times I've become numb to the whole getting over someone part," I say with a smirk.

Girl: "So you're telling me that you feel nothing since we're over," she appeared annoyed.

Me: "I mean I was hurt when you did it, but honestly the pain I feel now has nothing to do with us no longer being together; I knew that train was pulling in long before you sent me the text," I laugh and then continue, "no the pain I feel is the realization that I have to play this game with another woman that will possibly be the one or will once again waste my time. Now that is painful, I understand that I was your placeholder and never the punctuation mark that signaled the end," I said and bowed gracefully to her.

Of course this story had a lot more dialogue and a few tears were shed, but for the most part the script is accurate. I believe that moving on after a relationship has ended can cost Dating PTSD and I want to share with others my opinion on moving on effectively.

The first step to Moving On is to allow Time and Patience to do their jobs. You can't expect to move on from someone in a day's time. If you're like me and have become a little expectant and cynical concerning the cycle of dating/break-ups/relationships; moving on may seem a little bit easier, but it still takes time for us to move on and to heal. We can also become impatient with our mind, heart, and body who seems to be having trouble moving on from the person we were so into, while our actions are often trying to move 17 steps ahead. We need to be patient so we don't jump from relationship to relationship, and we need time to heal and release any baggage that may have accumulated while we were in the relationship.

The second step is to gain Control of our Actions. Stop allowing the person to call you or you calling them everyday like nothing has occurred. Everyone needs their space and if you want to move on, getting space is very important. Please try not to Facebook stalk them or try and find ways to be near them or in their general area. I'm not saying that ex's can't be friends and hangout, but if this isn't one of those moments where you break-up and then immediately get back together, but one or both parties were serious about ending the relationship, I think it is very important to allow for space. (Also having ex sex is not a good idea either. That's just my opinion. It only makes things worse.)

Finally changing our Focus. It is very important to begin to regain your singleness. To begin to not focus on what you guys did right or what went wrong, which will often make the Moving On process slower. Change your focus and begin to think about you, family, friends, and rebuilding yourself. Changing your perspective on things can help you allow Time to move, Patience to be gained, and gaining Control of your Actions.

This isn't law, but I feel that these three steps can help us overcome some of the Dating PTSD that comes with Moving On.

Dating PTSD we can overcome it...
Wikipedia defines open relationship as: a relationship in which the participants are free to have emotional, spiritual and/or physical relationships with other partners.

With all the emotions, feelings, and issues that being in an exclusive relationship brings, I often wonder why any two people would want to add to their relationship, and why they want to be in an open relationship.

I was once asked to be in an open relationship. And it wasn't just the sexual aspect that this person was talking about. This particular young lady wanted to have an emotional, physical, and intimate relationship with me and her other boyfriend. She also said that I was "allowed" to have this with another woman. I laughed at her, but I pondered what things would be like if I was foolish enough to accept her "proposal" You know how you bring the person your with home to meet your parents? Would you be like "Mother, Father, I would like to introduce you to my girlfriend Sally oh and this is her boyfriend Billy," And what if Billy and I wanted to take Sally out on a date on the same night? Who would get the date, or would we be on a schedule? Needless to say I didn't pursue such an adventure; one because I can be extremely selfish and wouldn't want to share my girl with another dude, and two I'm not so sure I wanted the diseases that may have possibly come from all this "openness".

I looked online for some discussions of open relationships and I stumbled upon a blog by Violet Blue (http://www.sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?f=/g/a/2008/05/29/violetblue.DTL). She was trying to demystify open relationships and found a sex educator by the name of Tristan Taormino. Taormino had this to say about the myths of open relationships: "There are so many myths about open relationships. I think one of the most popular is that people in open relationships have intimacy issues and trouble with commitment. The assumption underlying this myth is that true intimacy can only be achieved between two people in a monogamous relationship. In other words, if you are emotionally and physically intimate with more than one person, it somehow dilutes the intimacy of each relationship," (Violet Blue).

I do agree with Taormino in the point that monogamous relationships can lack intimacy, just as much as an open one can, but it still doesn't explain to me why so many people are attracted to this form of relationship. In my opinion it is just a way to be honest about your selfish desire to cheat; an honest way to want your cake and eat it to. I can appreciate the honesty, but it doesn't make it right right??? Is it a matter of right and wrong when two people agree to it?

Don't even get me started with the Open Marriage thing. That's just crazy!

Here are some notable people who are in Open Marriages according to Wikipedia:

Ossie Davis actor and Ruby Dee, actress
Dolly Parton
Will Smith actor and Jada Pinkett, actress
Kate Hudson actress and Chris Robinson, rock and roll singer

So tell me what you think about Open Relationships...
Daniel 3:16-18-- Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego, answered and said to the kind, O Nebuchadnezzar we are not careful to answer thee in this matter. If it be so, our God whom we serve is able to deliver us from the burning fiery furnace, and he will deliver us out of thine hand, O king. But if not, be it known unto thee, O king that we will not serve thy gods, nor worship the golden image which thou hast set up.

We all want God to respond to our prayers, our worship, our praises, and our circumstances right? Most times we expect God to react like everything in our lives move, fast-paced and quick! No matter what you maybe asking God for; some of us become frustrated when God doesn't answer our prayers in a timely fashion.

Maybe it is time for us to change what we say and do for God in order for God to respond. It comes a time in your walk with God that you can no longer do things as usual and expect a response. Your faith must increase and your actions must involve more radical trust in God.

For example:

Praising God when things are good are great in the beginning of your walk, but learning to praise God in your bad times, no even in the worst of times can yield a response from God.

Praying for something over and over again is something we do when we are young in Christ, but beginning to pray and fast for God to move in our lives may bring God closer to a response.

Reading your Word here and there is something you can get away with when you are a babe in Christ, but moving towards an allotted time and uninterrupted study in God's word may bring you closer to God and closer to the breakthrough you are looking for.

Confessing your sins to God is something we should always do, but confessing your sins to a friend you can trust and will hold you accountable are signs of maturity and growth.

I'm not saying to do these things just to get a response from God, but I am saying that you may not be able to hear from God or get Him to move if you are still dancing in your comfort zone.

You want a response from God become radical in your faith and your praise.

Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego did and they were saved from a burning death. Talk about faith!!!
So things have not only begun to happen in my life, but good things have been happening in the lives of my loved ones. I can't express how happy I am that God has blessed me and those around me. It is because of Him that things are going the way they are.

But it's funny that I didn't have this same enthusiasm when things weren't looking up for me. It is a sad thing when I can't be happy in Christ when my world seems to be flipping upside down. It is also pretty funny that God didn't respond until I began to rejoice in my storm and be thankful for my storm. You think that the right response to a depressing period of time is to be depressed, but the correct response is praise and believing that God is able to bring you out.

It isn't a true thing until you stop saying it and you start doing it.

So...
Romans 5:8- But God commendeth his love toward us, in that, while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us.

To know that Christ died for a sinner like me and all the sinners out there is quite amazing. It is so amazing that it is both one of the most talked about acts in the world and one of the most controversial religious discussion ever. Whether or not you believe it, I'm here to tell you that I'm glad He died for me.

If you have never thought about life after death, perhaps you should start today. I know that no one wants to think about death, but as it becomes more apparent to us that death is real, maybe it is a good idea to start considering what happens after you die. And if eternal sleep isn't what you believe, or reincarnation isn't something you believe either, then maybe you should consider an eternal life with the Creator.

The notion of an eternal life seems so distant for most of us because our minds are trapped in the fallible and finite arrangement it was conceived in. We have been damaged by the presence of sin and the natural law of death that an eternal life sounds like something out of a fairytale.

Well whether you can or cannot wrap your head around the infallible and infinite God, sending His only son to the Earth, and then Christ dying for your sins; yeah whether you can believe it or not, just consider what an afterlife with Christ promises and what an afterlife without Christ promises.

I'm still stuck on while I was and still am a sinner Christ died for me. (Still trying to wrap my head around that one. I'm so a sinner).

Get to know Christ.

joe4christ.blogspot.com
Lord God,

I have been very upset and angry at my current situation. Upset to the point Lord that I have been rebellious and comfortable in my many sins. I'm unable to turn completely away from you, unable to not believe in you, and unable to smile at sin. Despite this it would seem Lord that I have been comfortable with not reading your Word and only praying half-heatedly. I have been consciously ignoring you and angry for I feel that you have been ignoring my prayers. I have been so selfish and unappreciative of the grace, the mercy, and the blessings you've already given me; that I have tried to turn away from you.

But....

In my hour of need you were there. When the people I love were in need; you provided and exceeded their expectations. God and even though my plans haven't gone the way I've wanted them to go, God all my needs have been met. Despite me being rebellious and angry towards you, you have spared my life, you have provided for me, and you have supplied not just my needs, but some of my wants as well. Lord God Almighty I worship You because you've not ended my life and that you haven't cut me off from You. Lord I confess my sins to you and I desire to turn from my evil ways. God in the name of Jesus I pray that you will forgive me for my unmerited anger. Who am I to be angry with God? The God who has known the things I would do before I even did them and spared me. The God who loved me in spite of who I am. The God who knows my secrets and still preserves my life. The God who swallowed the sinful and rebellious Israelites with fire and kindled His wrath against them when they mumbled, sinned, and complained; this same God has spared me. The God who gave his only Son to die on the cross for my sins; this God I had anger with, and for that I am truly sorry.

So...

God in the name of your Son Jesus I seek your forgiveness. I pray for the Holy Spirit to continue to convict me and transform me. I ask that I would be able to return to You and behold your glory. I can't live without You and their is no other force or power that can stand before you, that is LIVING, that IS ALMIGHTY, but that would LOVE me the way YOU do. So I confess my sins and pray that You will hear from heaven as your son just wants to find his way back to You.

In the Name of Jesus,

Your unworthy child prays

Amen.
So I guess I should have believed myself when I was saying "no one told me it would be easy,"...yeah cause I can honestly say this whole graduating and looking for a job is not easy at all.

And with the looming loan repayments biting at the back of my neck as the grace period is coming to a slow end, I look back and wonder why in the heck did I quit my job to go to school!!!!!! Guess I'm living in the can't go back and change things moment huh? Look I know that complaining won't change the state that I'm in, but neither has the constant applying for jobs and the back to back interviews. I haven't even begun to mention the on-going buttered up rejection letters that say "your skills and education are very impressive, but they are not what we are looking for at this time," this coming from the person who has a job!!!!!

I know that things will pick up...at least I hope they do.

If they don't I'm just going to walk in someones office or agency and just start working. Seriously I'm going to be their best employee, have lunch with my co-workers, and maintain the daily office banter like I belong there. Then when payday comes and my check is missing, I will go to HR and say hey where is my pay for my two weeks worth of work!!!

So...
"What if by the age of 41 you're still out there dating?"- A friend I was talking to on the phone.

My response to the statement above was an alarming NO!!!! In my mind and in my dreams I hope and I pray that I'm not still single at 41-years-old. I know that in reality it is a possibility for me that I could very well be single at 41, but I don't want to live in reality on that one.

I began to think about the Period of Transition and the Period of Stability. Literally I came up with age ranges for both periods and I even came up with what I thought should be happening in those periods.

The Period of Transition begins at age 18 and in my mind should end around age 30. In this period you are working on creating a career, establishing independence, and going through the tumultuous journey of dating, partying, break-ups, and the fear of giving your heart away to someone.

The Period of Stability begins around age 31 and ends around 41. In this period you have either found or married your companion, you are married or preparing to get married, having guilt free sex within your marriage (hopefully), and you have built a home and career for yourself. This period could be boring for some if they make it that way, but I'm hoping to enjoy this with someone special and have lots of fun.

After hearing myself say this out loud to someone else I began to wonder if this was healthy thinking or not. I mean I know there are plenty of happy single 41-year-old's out there, but do I want to be apart of their merriment? Am I wrong for not wanting to be single at 41? Should you spend time planning your life like this?

Look I don't have all the answers for this, but I know that at 41 I hope I'm not still dating. Dating/relationships/starting over isn't as fun as it was when I was younger. And women don't respond well to do you like me check yes, no, or maybe boxes anymore. (DANG there goes my game).
I really don't feel like writing, but I'm waiting for this video to load and so I thought hey let's write.

So I'm going to make a random list of random crap that doesn't mean anything...enjoy

Anyone curious as to why people who lose out on love on reality TV get their own show?
Do you know how many times I lost out on love??? Can I get a show. I really could make it on reality TV.

Why isn't Family Guy on everyday all day??? The show could possible help change the world.

Am I the only one who thinks Beyonce should stick to singing and dancing (SHE IS A MONSTER AT THAT) but leave acting to the professionals. I'm just saying stick to what you know.

Why is it that the washing machine has a large load button, but when you make it a large load it breaks???

Is cat food good? If not why do you hear that some elderly person ate cat food? (I know the socioeconomic answer to that question already).

Are there any women out there afraid of commitment?

What should you do to avoid diarrhea?

What should you do to avoid an accident of the metro when you have diarrhea?

What if Peter Griffin was real?

Why do people stink and know they stink and sit next to you on a bus?

That's all for now.
Today I Cried A Single Tear For You: By Jwriter

Today I cried a single tear
I thought it was for you,
but really it was for me.

The single tear laughed at me
It thought that it was insignificant,
And that it's life was wasted.

I tasted that tear and it was salty
It didn't have a delicate taste,
Nor did the memories of happiness last.

Today I cried a single tear
I realized I don't want to cry anymore,
And I remember that's what giving yourself to others make you do.
Taste of Tears By Jwriter

I wonder if we tasted our own tears if we would remember...

We would remember the first time we cried...

Or the first time someone we loved hurt us...

We would taste our tears and remember the pain that was caused...

The time we lost loved ones...

The times we laughed so hard that we cried...

Maybe if we could taste tears and remember, maybe there would be more crying and less killing...

Maybe if we could taste the tears of the ones whose hearts we have broken, then maybe we wouldn't hurt them again....

If you could taste the sadness of the one you betrayed as they cry over the pain you caused them, or they ask how could you do that to them, then maybe you wouldn't have betrayed them...

Maybe if you could taste the tears of the loved ones who's loved one you took from them when you pulled the trigger, maybe you wouldn't have thrown death at them....were their tears salty....

If you tasted your own tears and remembered the pain he or she caused you, you could let them go and wouldn't keep taking them back, maybe you could let them go and learn to love yourself...

Maybe tears are salty because of the pain soaked into them or maybe tears shouldn't be tasted...

Oh the taste of tears, drenching hurt, quaking sadness....

Tears cried and Tears Tasted....

The Taste of Tears....the price is paid....

Tasted, Tasteless, Timeless, Tears.....

tears.......................................................................................................
This is the first time that I have written about my grandmother since her death. Today is the first time that I truly cried since her funeral. I don't think I've ever cried as hard as I did that day. It still hurts...My heart was broken and I wasn't sure how I could overcome the grief that had taken a hold of me from the moment I heard that she was dead.

I don't know who she was to you, but to me she was an amazing woman, a friend, a counselor, a teacher, and my time spent with her were some of the most amazing times in my life. This is a lot harder then I thought it would be, but I couldn't call myself honest or a writer of I didn't write about her.

How could someone play so many roles in a short life span, be a wife, a mother, an adoptive mother, a great aunt, an adoptive grandmother; someone who was just so very strong and had a laugh that could melt all your troubles away.

I sit here and I remember when my cousins Willie and Charlotte, my sister Stephanie and I were watching Baby's Day Out with her and every time that little white baby beat the bad guys up, she would laugh with that Laugh only she could belt out.

Or that time we didn't go to church, so me, Stephanie, Wuz, and Charlotte came up with the idea to have our own service. Charlotte, Steph, and I were the choir, Wuz did the prayer, and I was the preacher. My grandmother let us do this craziness and she just smiled watching us.

Or the time we went fishing down at the Potomac and she let us jump in the water. Her son Bobby jumped in the water and lost his keys to his car. We had to wait for Teresa to come and bring the spare key.

She would practice her songs that she had to lead on Sunday. My grandmother could sing and I could listen to her sing all day.

I remember the Red Van she had and my Uncle Boo got his leg caught in the door or something.

I remember the Green Van and the many rides down to Brandywine or the time we got snowed in down at Aunt Essie's house.

Grandma there are so many memories I could share, and I know I wasn't the best grandson always, and I had my selfish moments, but I'm so glad I got a chance to tell you I love you before you left, I'm so glad for you letting me come to your Bible Studies or you taking us to church all the time. I thank you for teaching me about life and for buying us 10 cent Popsicles from Black's corner store on I Street. I thank you for driving me and my date to my 8th grade prom and I'm so thankful for you telling me I could be anything I wanted to be.

The tears I shed as I write this is not only of sadness, but happiness too. I know that you are sleeping right now, but I hope that your dreams are filled with the happiest moments you've experienced, prayers for your children, grandchildren, nieces and nephews, family....I hope that most of all you're dreaming of the day that you get to meet your Savior. And I hope to God that I make it there too.

I love you with all my heart and this is just a small tribute to your memory.
Alright I am in a big debate whether or not it is important in a relationship to be 100 percent honest with one another.

Can people ever be 100 percent honest with themselves?

Then can they be 100 percent honest with the person they're in a relationship with?

I've learned from experience that we can dish out truth very well, but we sometimes don't handle the truth very well when it is dished out to us.

Can we handle the truth? I say that we can handle the truth, but only when we realize what the truth is for us. It's like a book can tell us how good kissing is, but we won't believe it until we experience good kissing for ourselves. Or the old saying that God is good, because I know Him for myself. Some of us heard our grandparents or parents for years saying that God is good, which is a TRUTH, but until we got to know His goodness for ourselves we saw it as something that only our parents or our elders could experience. I believe that it is the same for the truth coming from your girlfriend, boyfriend, spouse, or partner. You want them to be 100 percent honest with you, but you hear the truth and you can't accept it or you get angry about it. For me I get angry when I get the 100 percent truth at the last minute or when it is too late. That bothers me to no end and that's when I'm unable to handle the truth...why couldn't I be told from the beginning.

It is also hard for me to hear the truth about my flaws or more specifically character flaws. Even though it maybe 100 percent truth about a flaw of mine it is very difficult for me to accept it. Anyone else find it difficult to handle the truth about your flaws. (I think what makes the truth about this subject a little easier for people is the delivery of the truth. I mean no one wants their character attacked do they?)

Man do relationships work better when there is some lies, some avoidance of the truth, avoidance of some issues, etc. Do relationships work when you are only 50 percent honest? Do they work better if you hold some truth back and push some truth forward? Should there be a balance in relationships between truth and lies? What is good to lie about? And what is bad to tell the truth about? Does truth equal good always? Or is the sum of truth equal to the root of the truth the person will accept?

I'm not just writing this for my health people I need some help with this. Should a relationship be clothed in 100 percent honesty or is that just foolishness.

OK I will let you in on a secret: I think it is very wise to be 100 percent honest with a person, but with limits and boundaries. There is a time and place for everything.

You be the judge....
Is there such a thing as zero tolerance within a relationship? Is it possible to be in a relationship with another person and both of you absolutely don't tolerate any foolishness? I honestly don't think it is possible people. I mean some things should be rooted in the zero tolerance category: Physical, Emotional, Sexual, or Verbal abuse of any kind should never be tolerated in a relationship, drug use and abuse (in my opinion), excessive and dangerous alcohol abuse and use, no communication whatsoever, thoughtless and selfish lovemaking, purposeful financial abuse, and CHEATING!!!! Readers I understand that these things should have the principle of Zero Tolerance within them, but let's be honest even these very major issues are tolerated by many people in relationships around the world.

I mean what should you and shouldn't you tolerate? The little things your partner or spouse does that gets on your nerves should that be tolerated? The part of their personality that bothers you? Should you tolerate that in the name of love and relationships, or should you tell them it bothers you and then you leave them alone if they continue to be who they are? Should the negative things your friends say about your partner and spouse keep you from giving your all to them? Or should your friends opinion of them be the deciding factor in whether or not you love them or leave them alone.

Tell me please what things should be tolerated in a relationship and what shouldn't. Are there things about a person, what they do, what they don't do, how they treat us, or don't treat us; honestly what should and shouldn't be tolerated?

Is one person better than the other person in the relationship if one is more tolerant than the other person? Where is the list people? Dating experts out there please come and inform us of what makes the list of tolerable actions and actions that should never be overlooked.

I just got to thinking about this after reading something online in passing. This woman had a husband that was romantic, thoughtful, wrote love notes to her that was on her pillow in the morning, he gave her space, he sang to her, he provided, etc. The woman in the book said that she couldn't tolerate how "nice" he was too her. That sometimes she wanted to feel the passion of an argument or come home and not have to deal with him being so attentive. I was livid and I literally started yelling at the woman and was like, "What your dumb tail must want to come home and your husband floor you," "Perhaps you want to come home to an argument over who will do the dishes, or mop the floor; would that get your panties in a frenzy for you husband." Honestly I was in shock that she said she couldn't tolerate all of his attentiveness and thoughtfulness. I realize that after reading the rest of the story that there was more to it than him being "nice" and that she had deeper issues with her husband, but this was what she was able to bring to the surface or what she felt "comfortable" talking about. I still was upset though because some women and some men stay in relationships and TOLERATE some crazy stuff from their partner or spouse. All I'm asking is where is this list because I need to study it.

I honestly think the solution to this lies in open and honest communication between the two people in the relationship. That some realistic standards and expectations are set and if the other person makes a mistake or misses the mark, that there be a true and sincere apology and some true and sincere forgiveness.

I still think it is crazy that she wanted more arguments in her relationship for the sake of passion. That is crazy, because arguments are not fun at all. I'm just saying.

Zero Tolerance, people does it truly exist in any relationship? You be the judge...
So if you didn't know my So...posts are like my online journal where I vent about random things. Today though I'm going to truly vent about how I feel. Right now to be honest I'm not feeling very good about myself. One thing I've learned about myself is that I know how to throw a pity party very well, the interesting thing is that I don't need anyone to come to this party; really I can enjoy this party all by myself. The other interesting thing is that I hate pity parties and I really hate feeling sorry for myself. But the truth of the matter is that I do and I can't shake it. I mean I know it is really bad because my thoughts about things are really negative and I haven't showered in two days...well right before I started this blogpost I took a much needed shower. I know I will get over this, but right now it is important for me to experience this and work through it, rather than pretending like everything is OK.



I'm just in a rut about my career and financial situation. I've worked so hard to better myself and no matter what obstacle I seem to overcome another one is thrown my way. And I realize and recognize that I'm blessed and someone else is always worse off. Believe me readers I understand that principle and fact very well, but sometimes your emotions and your thoughts don't care what others are going through and you have to literally fight with your emotions to keep them from overwhelming you. (I hate the words overwhelmed, overwhelming, overwhelm so much right now LOL) I'm just really tired of being dependent on others and I want my own. I know that God moves on His own time and I need to be patient, but I feel that I have been and honestly sitting in the house all day is starting to drive my a little crazy. I just hate sitting still for too long of a time and I know that I begin to trip when my mind is idle.



These last few days have been rough on me and I just want to truly make something of myself. I do have something to prove and I want to be successful. I know talk is cheap, but honestly I've been out there trying to make my dreams come true. Again I know I have to overcome this and get over feeling sorry for myself. I just hope that God can hear my plea and see my tears. I know I don't deserve it, but God I'm in need of it. I can't sit and do nothing anymore. It is tearing me apart and I need some redemption, a lift, a boost, and deliverance.



So............
Is love overrated is the question that I present to you the readers? Well first let us define what overrated means:

According to the dictionary overrated- is to rate or appraise too highly; overestimate.

Well if we use this definition I don't think love is overrated...I believe love is underestimated and abused.

Hey look I know that most if not all of us have been hurt by the ones we love and the ones we were/are in love with. Hell you're reading the blog of a man who was once very cynical guy when it came to love, but I have been redeemed and my faith has been placed back in love, romance, and relationships.

I mean I realized a couple of things: 1. There is an example of what true love is and you can find that in the UNCONDITIONAL LOVE God shows and has shown towards us. 2. Love isn't what hurts us, instead it is the people that we are in love with or that we show love too that hurts us. So often we try and blame the act or the power of love to us hurting instead of understanding that people hurt one another, but love can conquer anything. 3. Loving someone doesn't mean giving them all of you in one nicely wrapped package, instead to love someone is to love them with your actions and not just your feelings, your beliefs, or your desire for them to love you the way that you love them. You can't give someone your all and then want it all back when they hurt you. <------That one stings a lot and often time you can't get that piece of you back once everything is over. People it is very dangerous to give a fallible person all of you because they don't have the full potential, nor the divinity to care for all you are. Most times we are unable to maintain all of who we are and have to turn it over to something or someone else, i.e. God, drugs, going crazy, being a workaholic, partying, alcohol, etc. 4. Love is patient. That one really does not require an explanation.

By no means am I saying that our loved ones hurting us is OK, but we can't become so self-absorbed in self-pity that we give up on love, hate on those that have found love, or try and bring down the love of people around us. We can't neglect loving ourselves because someone we loved hurt us. And believe me I've been hurt bad by FAMILY, FRIENDS, GIRLFRIENDS, and PEOPLE in general. Readers I was at a point where I was so hurt by loving hurtful people that I laid in bed and asked God to bring death my way. So I know a little thing or too about wanting to give up on love.

But God spoke to me and he revealed to me that He continues to love me despite the numerous and I MEAN NUMEROUS times I have hurt Him. He told me that He was no stranger to being hurt, used, and abused by the people He loves. At that very moment I broke down and asked God for forgiveness. I humbled myself and apologized to God for doubting the gift of LOVE that He has given to us.

Then I also thought about what it would be like for me if I never loved anyone again or if I never had the chance to let myself fall in love with a woman ever again. I'm a true believer in man not being meant to live alone. (Not the state of being lonely because that happens within the human experience) No I don't believe man is meant to be alone in the sense of never knowing love or showing love or receiving love. For me not to know and share love is the state of being alone. This maybe extreme, but just think about it. Love is probably one of the most profound feelings we experience and anytime we don't participate in this thing call love, feeling love, knowing love, and falling in love; it seems like we are lacking in someway, we crash and we burn.

I don't think love is overrated, instead I believe that love is misinterpreted as lust, selfishness, and self-hatred. We really need to get our meanings and definitions of love together before we try and walk in love.

I Corinthians 13 is a good example of what love is...

Falling in love is beautiful, but being willing to deal with the possible damage of falling is the challenge and the ugly part.

Try not to fall in love with the dishonest...and don't work to make someone fall in love with you if you can't be honest with them or yourself.

Guard your heart, but don't let it become guarded to the point love can't find its way to it.

I heard someone say that you can't help whom you love, but I think you can choose wisely.

If love fails you give it another try...just be careful next time and pay attention to the signs.

Love always come with sacrifice. You're not truly loving someone if there is no sacrifice.

Falling in love consists merely in uncorking the imagination and bottling the common-sense. --Helen Rowland

You'll discover that real love is millions of miles past falling in love with anyone or anything.When you make that one effort to feelcompassion instead of blame or self-blame,the heart opens again and continues opening. --Sara Paddison

Falling in love is not an extension of one's limits or boundaries;it is a partial and temporary collapse of them. --M Scott Peck

Never frown...even when you're sad you never know when someone is falling in love with your smile. --Author Unknown
The late Gerald Levert wrote a song called "Definition of a Man" and the song talked about what a man should do for his woman. The song is great as many of Gerald Levert's songs, but I wanted to put my spin on what the definition of a man is to me. All the men out there feel free to give your opinions of what you think defines a man and share them with us all.

My Definition of a Man:

First having a penis does make your gender male, but it doesn't define you as a man! Neither does having many sexual conquest. Having a penis puts you in the male category of the species of Man, but it doesn't make you a MAN.

So what makes us Men a MAN????

The first thing that makes us a Man (in my opinion) is your acknowledgement of the Creator. A real MAN acknowledges that there is a God and that Elohim created us from the dust of the ground. In order to become a true man we as men have to not only acknowledge God, but we must have fellowship with Him. Our first duty was to have fellowship with our Creator. We can't hear from Him, receive our assignment, or worship Him if we do not have fellowship with Him. More importantly to become a SAVED MAN and to continue to have Fellowship with God, we MUST have a Relationship with His Son Jesus Christ. That's the first thing that makes us a man.

The second thing that makes us A True Man and not a pseudo-male man (a man who is male and calls himself a man, but doesn't live up to the definition of a man). The second thing is that we WORK!!! A man must work! It is a law, a principle, a true desire for a man, and a command from our creator. I'm not saying that we as men don't fall on hard times and may find ourselves in a position where we are unable to work, but the driving force within us and a testament of being a MAN is that we work. We work to sustain ourselves, we work to become independent, we work to provide for our families, we work to help others, we work to build our communities, we work to lift one another up, and we work to because it is in our nature to work. This is very important that we not live up to the pseudo-male man; who does nothing, but let someone take care of them, no a real man or at least in my definition works and works hard to be the best at what he does. The first thing God gave us was life/fellowship with him, then He gave us a Job, and then He blessed us with a mate. See how that works...

The third thing that makes us a man is that we build our fellow man up. This is very important I believe in steps to becoming a true MAN. That we don't spend time tearing one another down or destroying one another. A real man is truly his brother's keeper. Men work together to protect their families and the families within their communities. Real men help to educate their sons and the sons of their brothers. To go beyond the competitive nature of maleness to be better than the next man, but to be able to lift their brother up and also prepare young men to step up and one day take their place. A man is a protector and a provider and protecting doesn't mean just protecting your family from physical harm, but a protector protects his family, children, and community from social injustices, he protects his future from poor education, and he doesn't promote the destruction of another man.

Dr. Martin Luther King Jr said this, "Man was born into barbarism when killing his fellow man was a normal condition of existence. He became endowed with a conscience. And he has now reached the day when violence toward another human being must become as abhorrent as eating another's flesh." -Why We Can't Wait, 1963.

The fourth thing that makes a man a true MAN is that he is passionate about something. That he is passionate about something enough that he is willing to die for it.

Dr. Martin Luther King Jr had this to say, "If a man hasn't discovered something that he will die for, he isn't fit to live." - speech, Detroit, Michigan, June 23, 1963.

The fifth thing that makes a man a true MAN is that he is able to admit when he is wrong and can apologize without feeling like he's less of a man.

The sixth thing that makes a man a true MAN is the ability to learn from their mistakes. To not only learn from their mistakes, but teach others about those mistakes and how to avoid them.

OK I'm tired of numbering them so I will just list the rest of them.

A truly defined man takes care of his children. He doesn't make babies and leave them to be raised by the mother or by another man. Male animals make babies and leave them; if you say your a man then you are involved in the raising of your children!!! A FATHER is not only defined by BIOLOGY, but A FATHER is defined by the act of being in their child's life, instilling values that will help them in life, teaching them, correcting their children, laughing with them, being at all their school events, protecting them, putting them to bed, watching them growing up, teaching them to drive, showing them how to change the oil in the car, teaching them to love, and being an example they can live up too. (That last one came from my Pastor and his sermon on Father's Day). A truly defined man is not just an example to his own children, but the children that are around him. I have a FATHER that isn't my BIOLOGICAL FATHER, but he did all the things a FATHER should do and what a FATHER should be, and he provides for a family. A real man can raise children that aren't his own. I'm a product of being raised by a man who didn't make me!

A truly defined man treats the women in his life with respect, he honors them, he is grateful for them, he is a protector of them, a provider, and he shows them love with his action and not just his word. Read the stories about the good men in the Bible that adored their women and worked for them. He didn't view them as a sexual conquest, but as a treasure. Again yes we make mistakes and we may have taken the women in our lives for granted, but a true MAN learns from his mistakes and corrects them. If you are breathing right now you have a chance to change the way you treat the women in your life.

A truly defined man works to better himself and others.

A truly defined man can love, and can even love his fellow man.

A truly defined man has true friendships and realizes that they maybe able to stand alone, but working with other men can get the job done faster and more effectively.

A truly defined man keeps his WORD!!!! Let your yes be yes and your no be no.

A truly defined man is dependable and trustworthy.

A truly defined man makes the tough decisions.

A truly defined man is there when times get rough, but also isn't to prideful to ask for help when it is needed.

This is just my definition of a man. I hope that we as men can work to become this Definition of a Man.

"Men have all been culturally designed with conquest, killing, or dying in mind. Even sissies. Early in life a boy learns that he must be prepared to fight or be called a sissy, a girl. Many of the creative men I know were sissies. They were too sensitive, too compassionate, to fight. And most of them grew up feeling they were somehow inferior and flunked the manhood test. I suspect many writers are still showing the bullies on the block that the pen is mightier than the sword. The test shaped us, whether we passed or flunked. We are all war-wounded." Sam Keen Source: Fire in the Belly (1991)

"There is a law that man should love his neighbor as himself. In a few hundred years it should be as natural to mankind as breathing or the upright gait.. but if he does not learn it he must perish."- Alfred Adler

"We mistakenly assume that if our partners love us they will react and behave in certain ways - the ways we react and behave when we love someone." - John Gray

"A man's sense of self is defined through his ability to achieve results."- John Gray

"Take it from a guy: If you're in love with somebody, you will swim the stream, you will climb the mountain, you will slay the dragon. You're going to get to her somehow, some way." -Dr. Phil McGraw

"God gave men a brain and a penis, but only enough blood to run one at a time."- Robin Williams